"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Sunday, November 8, 2015

the zen arrows that hurt the most are the ones you lob at yourself

So as some of you may know Mr. S has been on tour with his band and I've been home living the bachelor life.

In the last month or so, other than Halloween I've not been invited anywhere, not for dinner, happy hour, brunch, nothing. And I also haven't pursued anything either, content to simply come home, eat dinner, clean, read, hang out with the cat, and completely isolate myself from everyone. I haven't tried to make plans with anyone, haven't gone out, and other than some grocery shopping and one trip to the mall, haven't really done anything out of the house.

Halloween was awesome. I had a wonderful time, with great people that I love and want to see more. Several of them who I could have easily reached out to and made plans with. I see my friends posting about going out with each other and think "gee I wish someone had asked me to go along"

(insert sound of a bow string being released)

But why would they when I never ask them to do stuff? Why would anyone invite me to do stuff if it's always one sided or if I have a tendency to say no? Why haven't I asked anyone to hang out the last couple of weeks? Why haven't I made any plans. I have no problem being the social instigator so what gives?

(insert sound of arrow hitting a target)

All of a sudden it came to me. I have a surprisingly strong tendency to hermit when given the opportunity. I have always isolated myself and then bemoaned the fact that no one is paying attention to me or asking me to hang out. I have always put the burden on other people to show interest in hanging out with me, and that makes me a pretty selfish person in a way that I am not entirely comfortable with.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

There are a million excuses that I could give on why I do that but this is what it boils down to.

The ghost of external gratification.

FUCK.

I want people to show an interest in being around me, I want to feel like people want and enjoy having me around and I want them to approach me, not the other way around. And it all springs from my goddamned childhood and how I was treated both by my family and my peers. I can (but won't) point to specific things in my past that helped form this unconscious behavior and now it all becomes painfully clear.

So now that I know the how and why, what do I do about it?


But the other half? I think has to do with realizing what I am doing and WHY and then pushing myself to different behaviors. Breaking free from this pattern of 30+ years and moving forward. I already know that I am awesome and that people enjoy being around me. I wouldn't have any friends if they didn't. You are drawn to people you like and enjoy being around, most people don't spend time with voids,

I shouldn't be continuing to chase that elusive ghost of external gratification anymore, that way only leads to disappointment and heartache. I've already done so much work in letting go of bullshit behaviors and childhood hangups, I guess this is the next step on that path.

Self awareness is bullshit, but I wouldn't have it any other way.