"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Sunday, February 24, 2013


I've been working on a blog entry for a couple of days now but I've had a really hard time explaining what's in my brain meats so I will just ask this question


People go on and on about bullying and how it's wrong and everything right?


A lot of these same people talk about how they hate Justin Bieber or they make fun of Honey Boo Boo or any other child "star" who they find ridiculous. Explain to me how that is not bullying, especially given the prevalence of memes and hate talk on the internets. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth to see people hate so hard on these kids. I have never watched Honey Boo Boo's show and I never will but I feel sorry for that kid. Her mother is making her into a caricature of a person and in my opinion, is just exploiting her child for money and "fame" but instead they are getting mockery and ridicule. And as she grows up she will see all the hate speech, all the memes making fun of her when I think about how that must feel? It makes me really sad.

I just don't get why this isn't bullying. Cause they are public figures? Who the fuck cares. Maybe people should just quit being such dicks to each other.

I know, I'm dreaming.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

you have no power over me

It’s funny sometimes. Funny how long ago hurts that you’d largely moved on from can occasionally flare up when the circumstances are right.

We were walking down the alley to Milk Bar on Saturday night and there was a group of 3 girls walking behind us. They were most likely going for the 80’s room as they were all dressed in jeans and heels and didn't look like our normal “spooky” crowd.

They were what I call now “woohoo girls” but in junior high (not as much high school but definitely junior high) they were the girls I most wanted to be friends with and look like. Thin, long shiny hair, always dressed in new, well-fitting clothes, the girls who always just seemed so much cooler and prettier than I felt. These were the girls who would pretend to be friends with me to play elaborate pranks on me. These are the girls that would jog behind me in gym class and make fun of the stretch marks behind my knees or who would constantly talk about how fat I was just within earshot so I would know they were talking about me.

We all remember those girls. Even though you may be loath to admit it, you might have been one of those girls. Kids are dicks. Just how it goes.

Here is the thing. I have let go of a lot of that emotional baggage, I have let go of the hurt caused by those memories. Now I just shrug it off and remember that kids are dicks and it has no bearing at all on my life. I am so not the girl I used to be back then. Shit I am not even the girl I was 4 years ago, I’ve grown up, moved on, let go.

And yet.

Saturday night, walking to the club with the 3 girls behind me I hear one of them whisper something to their friend and then all 3 of them break into gales of laughter and one says “I know right, that’s exactly what I was thinking” and I had a moment.

A flashback if you will.

A moment of feeling like that awkward kid who thought she was way fatter than she really was, wearing those hand-me down clothes and the cheap sneakers with those girls behind me making fun of me in gym class.

But you know what else?

It was just a moment. I walked into the club and was greeted warmly by several friends and jog-trot acquaintances and had a wonderful evening, I promptly forgot about the woohoo girls and went about my night.

I am no longer that girl who would have held on to a perceived and most likely imaginary hurt and let it ruin my evening. I let it roll off of me and I had a great time.

Sometimes this grown up thing ain’t so bad…

begone childhood bs. You have no power over me anymore.  

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Damn that would be glorious

At the grocery store tonight there were two ladies shopping together with two carts totally full of food and beverages. They were still checking out when we left and the bill was already up to $500.00 bucks and they still had a half a cart full of stuff to ring up. No coupons, no worries just buying all the food they presumably wanted or needed.

I still dream of the day when I can go to the grocery store and not have to keep a running tally of ow much I'm spending and having to put stuff back when I go over my limited budget. The ability to go "I want to make X tonight" and then go to the store and get the fixings without ever once having to sacrifice something else to do so.

This seems like the height of success, of comfort, of financial stability. I'll get there. I get closer everyday. 

Patience young Padawan... 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I had this whole post written out with  the things I try to remind myself of when I am having a rough day and then this song came on my Spotify playlist.

Informatik - Simple
The perfect moment
To share with you my revelation
You might not believe it
Life should not be this complicated

Everything you need to know is right in front of your face
You’ll never get what you don’t ask for
Nobody ever really has it that great
It’s simple so simple to me

Caught up in the moment
So unaware what's arbitrary
We don’t even notice
The miniscule is extraordinary

Everything you need to know is right in front of your face
You’ll never get what you don’t ask for
Nobody ever really has it that great
It’s simple so simple to me

There really can be another way
So simple it defies reason
The only thing we have is today
The only thing we need is love
The only thing we need is love
The only thing we need is love

That’s what keeps me going
Our love life's truths yet to uncover
And finally knowing
That joy and pain are part of each other

Everything you need to know is right in front of your face
You’ll never get what you don’t ask for
Nobody ever really has it that great
It’s simple so simple to me


Monday, February 4, 2013

Perfect Day

I've been thinking a lot about what a perfect day would be for me. Mostly because we just moved and I’ve been dealing with packing and cleaning the old place,  cleaning and unpacking at the new place, taking care of my cat, taking care of Mr. S (to an extent at least, he is an adult after all! *laugh*). Basically just being a responsible adult and making sure that EVERYTHING is taken care of.

I want a day off. I know this doesn't happen in the real world but I was thinking about what a perfect day off would consist of and what would make me happy.

I can sleep in
I don’t have to drive ANYWHERE
Someone else either prepares or brings me food and cleans up after the meals
I don’t have to get dressed for most of the day but I get to decide if I go and get dressed up to go out
I still don’t have to drive
Reading in a comfy chair
Red wine
Sex (duh! Can’t have a perfect day without that *laugh* well at least I can't)
More naps
More wine

Basically a day with no worries, no stress, no anxiety just fun and relaxation .

Just a day where someone else takes care of me. Taking care of other shit so I don’t have to.

I know this is an ad for BBC but it is probably my new favorite version of this song -  Lou Reed! Skye Edwards!  David Bowie! Joan Armatrading! Laurie Anderson! Tammy Wynette and even Shane McGowan. 

What would you include in your perfect day?