"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Year of the Sparrow

I had a damned good year this year (see previous post) but next year will be better. Because it can always be better right? It won't be handed to me and it will require effort on my part but all good things come from those who work their ass off for it. Or something like that.

I am sure there will be more, this is just the beginning of my list.

*Get a passport, I think I've been putting it off because I have not had any real plans to leave the country but I can't leave the country until I get a passport so first things first

*Go to DragonCon, this is going to be our (Mr. S and I) yearly excursion so this will be on my goal list every year. I love Dcon so much, there just isn't anything quite like it. Go Team Denver and all that

*Pay off my car, I have 10 payments left so this will definitely happen this year but my goal is to pay it off early because yay for being done with the shower of cunts that is Wells Fargo Dealer Services.

*Work on improving processes and procedures for my team at work, I've been working on these for awhile but one of the things my boss mentioned is that he wants me to be more creative and innovative. This I can do.

*Work with my minions to help them be more successful at our company, the better they do, the better I do after all

*Spend some time exercising, some time is better than no time. Even if I just go for a 10 minute walk every date it will be more than I am doing now. I still park farther out at stores, I try to always take the stairs when possible but I need to do more. I'm getting too old to be this lazy

*Get serious about cooking at home, do grown up shit like menu planning and grocery shopping, I used to be so good about it I know I can do it again. I have spent far too much this year on eating out and it's got to stop. It's cool to spend money on eating out when it's good food but if I am spending my grocery money on fast food, well that's unacceptable.

*Take better care of our little yard, try my hand at gardening and making stuff live instead of die. The lawn isn't really the problem, its the plants. I can do this, I has the internets.

I hate the word resolution. I prefer the word goal. Resolutions are meant to be broken, goals are meant to be reached for and accomplished.

It was a banner year at the Sparrow household this year

This was a good damned year for the Sparrow household. I've been working really hard and it paid off.

Mr. S, Heidicat and I moved into our own little house in January. We like this house so much we are going to stay here another year.

I got to go on a trip of firsts with my BFF. First time on a real road trip, first time to visit Arizona and California, first time seeing the ocean and the best part is that I spent 11 days in a car with a friend and we are still friends. I got to see Hearst Castle, The Getty, I spotted the Griffith Observatory from the road, I got to go to a taping of the Craig Ferguson show, it was a pretty awesome trip.

I got a promotion (who is your boss now, bitches!) and the opportunity to take over a team that I think is super important but that had been sorta pushed to the side, I was and still am excited to show what my team and I can accomplish.

ERMAHGERD DRAGONCON. Every year better and better. I even got to talk to Dominic Keating from Enterprise and smack Christopher Judge on the ass, not to mention a hilarious conversation with this Asian and this Australian outside of the Hilton. Sometimes it pays to be a social instigator.

All of the things that happened this year and in previous years stem from my hard work and determination and the support and love of my friends and family. I've worked really hard to get where I am and I genuinely appreciate everything in my life. Family, friends, co-workers and even Heidicat. Without these components I wouldn't be where I am and I wouldn't be headed where I am headed.

 Life, it is fucking good and I am grateful every day for the awesomeness that is my life.

So thanks for being a friend and here is hoping that your year has been kickass and that your next year is even better. *MWAH*

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

it's about the giving

When I was a kid I found this awesome gift for someone that I only sorta knew and my mom responded with "Why would you do that? They aren't going to get you anything" but for me the act of gift giving has never been about what I'd get in return, it's about the act of giving someone something you know they'd like or that would make them happy.

I don't do nice things for people because I expect them to give back to me. I do nice things because I like to make people happy. Most of the time it's little things, helping them out, buying them a drink, making them food, whatever the case may be. I do it because sometimes all it takes is that one little show of appreciation, of thanks, of thoughtfulness that can make someone's whole day.

So take a minute to show your appreciation to those around you. Say thank you, get them a card, give them a hug, whatever it is that will make them happy. It doesn't take much effort and it really can make the difference in someone's day.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Even after all these years...

I got a letter in the mail today from Prudential about an old account of my dad's.

The letter says that they received notice that he might be deceased and that his beneficiary needs to call before 11/27 to release whatever it is they have.

He died in 2002.

 They ask that you have the death certificate when you call, I knew I still had it, still in the beige, zippered bag that the funeral home gave me when I was making all of the arrangements. I even knew exactly where it was in our shed, went straight to it. I haven't opened it or gone through it in years. Maybe even since my dad died.


I didn't even think that it was going to hit me this hard. It's not that I don't think about him ever or that I don't miss him but going through these papers just... well it was like a punch in the gut.

I forgot I had saved the few personal papers he had in his apartment. He still had my graduation announcement. He had pictures of me as I was growing up. He had a letter that he never actually sent to his mom that still makes me cry.

My parents split when I was 6 months old, I never lived with him and there was only one night that I stayed the night at his house and it ended disastrously for me.

My dad and I weren't close. I didn't grow up with him, I didn't spend a lot of time with him. He would come by my grandparents house every Christmas to give me my Christmas present and have a beer. We went to movies, we played mini golf, he bought me the more expensive presents my mom couldn't or wouldn't get me.

He wasn't a father, he was a dad but I don't fault him for it. Being a father was never his gig but he was a decent dad.

I never even really knew my dad. I met my grandparents on that side once or twice. I didn't even know how many siblings he had until he died. I don't know my family history on his side, I don't even know where they live or who is even still around.

For a long time growing up I never thought he really loved me, he just came and saw me once in awhile because my mom would call and remind him to see me. She would have to call and remind him about my birthday, about how he has a daughter and that he needed to spend time with me.

When Taylor died, my dad came to the funeral and he actually cried and told me he  loved me and how sorry he was that I had to go through that. That is really the first time I can actually remember him being emotional at all around me. I was 19.

It was only after he died that I found out that was proud of me, that he really loved me, his only child. That he talked about me to his family, to his coworkers.  All of the things he couldn't tell me in life, I had to find out from scraps of paper laying around his empty apartment and his coworkers who told me how much my dad would brag about me.

It just... took me by surprise how much looking through these things made me miss him. And I do miss him. His laugh, his voice that carried everywhere, his smile and his love of crappy movies and classic rock. Things I've proudly inherited from him.

my favorite shot of my dad, probably since I took it. Royal Gorge 1991
My dad was a character and I still love and miss him.

Parents - tell your kids you love them. Tell them you are proud of them.

Kids - tell your parents you love them.

Just do it. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

This is the day...

Once upon a time when I was younger, dumber and definitely more rash in my decision making, I had an ISSUE with someone I worked with. She had an ISSUE with me too and neither one of us handled it well. It wasn't like we had an all out chick fight on the floor or anything but it quickly became petty, with shit talking and squabbling.

 It even got to the point that we both had to go to HR about it. She eventually ended up getting fired for essentially not doing her job (which quite honestly was one of the problems that I had with her, but I handled it very poorly) It was definitely not my finest hour.

That moment, at age 20-something was THE MOMENT. The moment where I realized I could seriously fuck up my career and my potential to have a better career if I didn't get my shit together. I learned that it wasn't that I couldn't have problems with others, or that I couldn't say something if shit was wrong but it was all in HOW you did things, HOW you said things. It really is all in the delivery.

It took a me a long time to figure out how to deal with these kinds of issues and I still don't always get it right but I do know better now. Don't talk shit about people at work. If you have a problem with someone, try and talk to them about it, if you can't talk to them, talk to management, talk to HR but DON'T be child about it. It's a hard lesson to learn, especially the shit talking bit. It's so easy to slip into old patterns and to find yourself talking shit without even realizing it. It's okay to complain a bit about something that is bugging you, but it's another thing to say "god x is so stupid" or "I hate x". I know I catch myself doing it once in awhile and I am still doing my damndest to not be that person.

But really the only real way to succeed is to learn how to deal with people you may not like or get along with. You need to learn how to work with people who work differently or slower than you do. Learning these things will do nothing but help you in the long run.

So keep calm, take a deep breath and try to let it go, or if you can't let it go, take it to the appropriate people. It'll help you. Trust me on this.

Friday, September 27, 2013

What have you done for yourself lately?

What do you do for yourself? What do you enjoy doing that is just for you, no one else?

I was reading something where more than one person basically said "oh I don't do anything for myself anymore since I became a parent. My life is all about my kids, it revolves around them" Or something to that effect.

It was bugging me all night and at first I couldn't' figure out why it was so upsetting to me and then BAM! I realized what it was.

Stop being a fucking martyr. Stop placing that burden on your kids. You may not even realize you are doing it or the effect that it can have on your kids.The sense of responsibility, the feeling that your happiness, your entire world revolves around that one (or more) kid. That's a heavy burden to bear.

Do you have any idea how that makes a kid feel? Seriously.

Think about it.

And if you find that you do that? Just stop it. Do yourself and your kids a favor and figure out something you like doing that doesn't involve your kids or even your significant other (if applicable). Go for a walk, read a book, whatever the case may be. But don't put that burden on your kids.

I get it, I don't know what it's like to be a parent. I cannot even imagine it as a matter of fact. I genuinely respect parents for doing what they do, it's a shit job and it's harder than anything I'd ever care to do, so thanks.

I may not have kids but I was a kid. I was a kid of someone who liked to tell me how she gave up everything for me, how she basically did nothing for herself ever because of me.

Now, tell me.

What have you done for yourself lately?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


BEH I say

I keep trying to write this blog entry and the words spill out but it's not things I'm entirely comfortable sharing with the world.

Shit, I don't even like to admit them to myself.

Those Zen Arrows sure sting sometimes. Bastards.

Friday, July 26, 2013


So last night I asked for advice on how to get up early (before 730 in my case) consistently and almost without fail everyone suggested setting a routine and sticking to it.

It got me thinking. All of the things that have been bugging me lately, my weight, my sleep patterns, my slovenly (for me at least) home, the fact that I don't style my hair or wear "enough" makeup at work. All boil down to a routine. And all of these things help make for a much happier and healthier PJ.

Something I used to be so good at and something I let slide for far too long.



I need to get back on the wagon and quit slacking

1.Start cooking at home more often and quit being lazy about it
2. Get back on track with cleaning a bit every day and having a morning on the weekend with coffee and cleaning. I like that shit.
3. Start walking again, I like it I just haven't been doing it enough
4. Start getting up early enough to actually do my hair and apply more than the bare minimum of makeup
5. Put my damned laundry away as I am doing it. I am really good about Mr.S's laundry and getting it put away, now to get better about doing it for myself.

All of these things combined will definitely improve my mood, my house, myself.

Friday, July 5, 2013



  [heer-sey]  Show IPA
unverified, unofficial information gained or acquired from another and not part of one's direct knowledge: I pay no attention to hearsay.
an item of idle or unverified information or gossip; rumor: a malicious hearsay.

Last couple of weeks/months I've seen and heard  a lot of "I'm mad at you because I heard you said X" or "so and so told me that you were talking shit about me" or some variation thereof. I don't get it. If you are friends, really friends, wouldn't you want to talk to your friend to find out what is actually going on or what was said? And maybe not publicly air your dirty laundry? I know that when I see this shit posted on the social networks, all I can think is "um this is soooo not my business" but there it is, for the world to see. 

I myself have had this happen to me. Someone cut me out of their life without saying anything to me whatsoever and as I didn't see this person regularly I did not really have a chance to ask them what the hell happened. When I did finally run into them and I asked what happened they told me that they heard I had talked a bunch of shit about them and instead of confronting me and asking me about it they decided to cut me out and move on. 

I was actually a little bit glad they cut me loose as anyone who would take the word of someone outside of the relationship without even once checking with me about what was actually said, is not someone I want in my life.

 I don't have time in my life for those kinds of people. 

Do you? 

P.S. Thanks to the social networks by the way for letting me be privy to so many people's private conversations/issues, thanks for making so many people feel like it's okay to air your dirty laundry and private grievances. I just want random ephemera and cat pictures darnit. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Even Social Instigators Need a Recharge

I spent all of yesterday avoiding any unnecessary human contact and basically being as lazy as possible and it was GLORIOUS.

This morning I realized part of why I felt so disconnected and out of it on Sunday. I had spent 11 days with my BFF on the road in a car, sharing hotel rooms with little to no alone time, but oh dood was that trip fun, but more about that on a different day.

I went back to work the day right after I got home from the road trip and proceeded to be super busy at work what with catching up and staff meetings and meeting with the CEO and all sorts of hi-jinks.

By the time the weekend rolled around I was already tired and more than a little of out of sorts but I had things to do! I went to a friends housewarming party and club and had a wonderful time and it was great to socialize and meet new people and hang with my friends but it just exacerbated my feelings of disconnection, of anxiety and grumpiness.

I realized on Sunday that I usually need at least 1 day every week or two with very little to no social interactions. This helps keep me the Social Instigator and keeps me from being The Heinous Bitch. Resetting the social clock, giving myself time to breathe and relax.

These are the things I need.

Lesson learned, not soon to be forgotten.

Monday, June 3, 2013

ism's - XXIII

In the land of the superficial, no one is king.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

You gotta have friends... part 2

For the first 2 years I lived in Denver I rented a room from my Aunt T and her husband. They were pretty easy to live with and my Aunt T is pretty damned awesome so I never really had a lot of issues with living with them other than the fact that I was living with family and not living on my own. When I did move out, I ended up being roommates with a friend from Colorado Springs. I think around then was when I gradually started making actual friends. 2+ years after moving to Denver. 

Let me just say, I'm not shy. (DUH you may say if you have met me in meat space) I've never had a hard time talking to strangers, never had a problem starting a conversation but I was still struggling with finding friends. Like I said at the end of the last post, I more or less gave up but in reality I quit pushing so hard. Instead of bemoaning the fact that no one seemed to want to hang out with me, I would just invite lots of people to meet up at the movies or dinner or at Netherworld or any other kind of social event, I would invite them to anything that I didn't mind doing alone so if they didn't show I could (and would) still do said activity. I made myself go out and do things even if I had to do them alone. 

I would invite 10-15 people out at any given time and usually the same 2-3 people would show up and gradually we started spending more time together doing other activities. I think that this is how most friendships work but it is just one of those things that when you get so lonely you forget the mechanics of friendship. You forget how to make and keep friends because all you can think about is that you want them and you want them naow. 

As time passed these friends introduced me to other people and I was invited to different events and met still more people and things evolved over time. I am truly blessed with an abundance of friends and acquaintinces in my life. It's taken time and effort to build the relationships I have, and it will take it again. Lives change, friendships change, people move on and out. I think the real trick is be yourself, give more than you take, appreciate what you have, be a good friend to others, cut drama and dramatic people out of your life, don't lie and be happy. Find what makes you happy and do it. 

I guess I don't really know how to end this or where I am even going with this whole thing. I do know that I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to have friends and love and laughter. I want people to be self sufficient and do for themselves instead of waiting for others to do for them. I want people to relax and not lose heart when making friends proves more difficult than anticipated. Trust, friendship and love is something that is built with time and effort. Relax. It'll happen when you least expect it to. Don't give up. 

Yeah. I guess that's it. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

You gotta have friends... Part 1

A friend and I had a conversation the other day about making friends and how it can be frustrating, difficult and disheartening it can be. It got me to thinking about my friends now and how I got to have the fantastic friends that I have.

I moved to Denver a little over 13 years ago and when I first moved here I felt so isolated and lonely. Even though I only moved an hour away from where I grew up and where my friends lived, I felt a million miles away. There were also a lot of other things going on in my life at the time that aggravated that lonely feeling but all I knew is that I was sad and lonely.

I started to go out to Ye Olde Goth club aka Club Onyx, every chance I got. I met lots of new people, lots and lots of new people. They all seemed pretty nice and friendly and we would spend hours at the club chatting about everything from food to books to pop culture but as soon as I would try to get someone to hang out or do something outside of club it was like the walls went up and POOF! they'd disappear. Some of them would respond with the "oh yeah that would be fun, why don't you give me your number and I'll call you" and others would just be like "yeah that'd be cool but I'm so busy". It was nigh impossible for me to get these people that were so chatty and friendly at club, to do anything at all with me outside of club and it was depressing. Really fucking depressing.

It got to the point where I seriously considered moving back down to Colorado Springs as I felt like I'd never have any real friends in Denver, never really have people to have dinner with, go shopping with, watch movies with, talk to outside of the bar. I seriously debated the pros and cons of living in Denver vs Colorado Springs and realized that the only thing that was even remotely appealing about the Springs at that point was the fact that I still had friends down there.

So I stuck it out. I kept talking to people, meeting new people who in turn introduced me to yet more new people. For a long time I quit trying to get people to hang out outside of work or club. I made peace with the fact that I didn't have people in Denver to do things with. I let go.

And then it happened as it always does. Gradually I started to find the people who wanted to go do things that didn't involve work or club. I started slowly, very slowly to gather a few people around me. I started to have friends again and with that, came the realization that much like a romantic relationship friendships take work and they don't always work out the way you think or want them to

To be continued...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Hemlock Grove so yeah...

So I watched the Netflix original series Hemlock Grove. All 13 episodes. Here are my gut reactions

quit trying so hard to be like Twin Peaks
that boy would be a lot prettier if he cut his hair, wait when did I become THAT old lady?
wait, she glows? um...
an angel? yeah I betcha it's _________ that knocked her up
oh that could be interesting... oh, wait. No.
Honey, you should probably go back to modeling
Oh hey, it's that dude from Space: Above and Beyond!
man Famke Janssen's accent is BAD
ok, the werewolf transformation was pretty sweet
um, you don't really need to do ALL OF THE THINGS here...
oh Kandyse McClure, why is that I always want you to die when I see you on a TV show?
really? really? That's how you are going to end it? *sigh*

yeah, this show was a MESS but I stuck with it. Maybe if they hadn't tried SO hard, maybe if they hadn't tried to cram in all the things at once. I have to wonder if the book this is based on is such a mess too?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

3 questions, 1 lesson

Craig Ferguson’s three questions to ask yourself before posting something on the internet:
1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does this need to be said by me?
3. Does this need to be said by me right now?

Also, I am starting to ask myself this before I speak at all. Based on the commentary this weekend it is a lesson I really need to learn.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Road Trippin'

Growing up I never went on a road trip, my mom had gone on many road trips when she was a kid and as a result she hated road trips as an adult therefore I didn't go on one single road trip growing up. The closest I ever came was going from Colorado Springs to Denver so she could go to yarn stores that were different than the ones we had in the Springs.

As an adult I've gone on a couple of road trips but for the most part they have all been with a specific destination in mind and a specific deadline to get there. No meandering, no going off the main roads to see what might be out there, not really getting a chance to see the sights and enjoy the drive.

Also? I've never seen an ocean.

People always go "OMG HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN AN OCEAN?!!!" and freak out on me about it. I have to remind them of a couple of facts

1. Grew up without a lot of money and didn't have the money to travel
2. Mom didn't like to go places
3. Grew up in Colorado, not a lot of ocean around here
4. Didn't even get a chance to leave the state until I was 17 and that was to go rafting in Utah, with school

So this summer I'm finally going on a road trip. A real road trip. 11 days with my friend who goes on a road trip every year and enjoys driving and seeing whats out there to be seen. We have a destination in mind (California) and an idea of when we want to be there. There are even certain activities and places that we are planning on going to but I'm really looking forward to the drive itself. This will be my first time west of Vegas, my first time seeing an ocean, my first time in California and any number of other firsts that I am sure will happen.

It's not the destination that counts, it's the journey. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Depression is a sneaky bastard sometimes.

I didn't *think* I was depressed. I don’t remember feeling particularly bad but when I stop and look the signs are all around me.
I wasn't taking as good of care of myself as normal.
I wasn't cleaning house or if I did start to clean, I didn’t finish
I was putting off doing any number of things because I just didn’t feel like it.
I dreaded going out or having to be social.
I was going to bed really early and sleeping as late as possible.
I wasn't working on my cross stitch.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has never suffered from clinical depression. There doesn't need to be a trigger or a reason, it just happens sometimes. Your brain gives you the middle finger and says “FUCK YOU, YOU WILL HAVE THE SADS FOR NO REASON” I've suffered from severe depression most of my life and most of the time it is totally manageable. Most of the time, I sense a wave coming on and take preventative measures that help stem the tide and make the downswing shorter and not as hard to deal with. This time however it snuck up on me.  This is the thing that really sucks about your brain malfunctioning, you can’t always know when this kind of depression will strike. The great thing is, I know myself and I know what it takes to get me out of this funk. It may take a bit, I may still be out of sorts or not as friendly but I’ll get there.

baby steps...

Monday, March 18, 2013

stupid kids, lazy parenting

I was reading the Zen Archer's ongoing series of posts about her experiences on the Romero trial, and I've held it together when listening to the stories or when reading about the case but tonight's blog entry really hit home in an uncomfortable and distressing way. Read it first and come back. I'll wait right here


All I could think of was junior high. West Junior High in Colorado Springs to be exact.

I wasn't a bad kid, I never ran away, I drank once or twice but I didn't get drunk until senior year of high school, I didn't do any drugs at all, I "smoked" by which I mean I went through the motions in an effort to look and feel cooler than I was but I wasn't what you would call a "bad" kid.

Some of my friends though were definitely what most would consider bad kids.

I had one friend in particular that I thought of reading the ZA blog entry. I'll just call her J. We lived in Old Colorado City in a neighborhood filled with big, old houses that had since been converted to not so big apartments and smaller bungalow style homes. My mom and I lived in this awesome 2 bedroom, peach colored bungalow with leaded glass windows and a porch swing. J and her mom lived next door in a small, weird apartment.

I started hanging out at her house a lot and it took me awhile to realize how unusual J and her mom's relationship was. They lived in a 2 bedroom apartment with a basement and they lived there with her mom's friends Steve and Nikki. Nikki slept in one bedroom, J's mom in the other bedroom and Steve lived in the unfinished basement surrounded by nude drawings of women that he presumably drew himself. Once we found a stash of used needles just laying around in the corner of his room. Nikki was a stereotypical biker chick, tall, solidly built and with black frizzy hair. J's mom, R was an old biker chick, no bra, no showers and no teeth. Well to be fair she had teeth but she thought it was hilarious to constantly take them out to make other people uncomfortable. And they all smelled... well bad.

For some reason I thought it was fun to hang out over there. Looking back, I cannot think for the life of me why. It smelled bad, it was filthy and there were a LOT of drugs in that house. J and her mom would smoke weed together and get baked out of their gourds while I just sat there feeling uncomfortable, J was 13 at the time.

My mom never seemed to mind me going over there. Maybe it's because I had been a latch key kid since the age of 7, maybe it's because I was already doing my own laundry and cooking my own dinners and taking care of myself even more since my mother had become sick the year before, or maybe it's because my mom didn't care, who knows the reason and I suppose it doesn't really matter. There were times she'd encourage me to go over there, mostly to get me to leave her alone I am guessing. Whatever the reason, I started hanging out over there quite a bit. Even having sleep overs, which in remembering, makes me feel kind of ooky especially given the fact that there were plenty of times that it would just be J and myself alone in the house with Steve who would be high out of his mind and tottering around the house in his underwear.

There was one day in particular that sticks out in my mind. We were out riding our bikes one day, like normal 13 year olds, when all of a sudden she mentioned that she had to stop at a friends house. I didn't question it. Kids are dumb after all. She asked me to wait outside as she'd only be a couple of minutes. Again, I didn't think anything of it and just hung around outside waiting for her. After 20 minutes I started to get really bored and considered leaving. 30 minutes later she finally came back outside, disheveled and slightly out of breath. As we rode away I asked her what had taken so long. She explained to me that she routinely had sex with this 30+ year old guy for drugs for herself and sometimes for her mom.

She regularly had sex with a 30+ year old man for drugs. For her and for her MOM. My mostly innocent mind was shocked at the thought. And more than a little bit dismayed. And sad.

She and her mother moved away about a year later and we lost touch. I know she was pregnant when they moved. She was 14. I don't know who the father was, I don't know what happened to her, I don't even know if she grew up or not. I'd like to think she grew up.

Reading that blog tonight made me think about how lucky I was that I never ended up dead in some guys garage like that poor Alicia girl. It made me think about how my friends and I would continually put themselves in situations that could have rapidly become dangerous or even life threatening.

I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is for my friends with kids to balance being a good, caring parent while trying not be overprotective and smothering. There has to be a happy medium. Being overly permissive or not caring what your children get up to don't work. Trying to be a friend to your kids doesn't seem to work either. I'm eternally grateful that I don't have kids, that I don't have to think about what they are doing or where they are or who they are with.

Reading about Alicia stirred up some particularly vivid memories that I hadn't though of in years.

I don't really know the point of this blog, I don't know that there needs to be a point. I know that I feel unsettled and sad and pensive right now. I know I want my friends to pay more attention to their kids than my mom paid to me. I want my friends kids to grow up safe and protected and loved. I want all these things and can give none of it.

Parents, teach your children well. 

Monday, March 4, 2013


I am getting a new dress but I have to decide which one. It'll be awhile before I get it but I am having a hell of a time deciding so I thought I'd let you, my adoring public help me decide. *laugh* In all seriousness though I want all of these dresses but for right now at least there can only be one. Decisions, decisions. Saving my pennies now!

The Monica dress in Red

The Monica in Black 
Everybody Loves Cleavage shirt in all black and Perfect Skirt in Red as pictured or in the Ruby Brocade 

The Erin Dress in Red 

or in Plum 
The Jessica Wiggle dress in Red 

Sunday, March 3, 2013


I want to fit back into this dress.

That means I need to lose at least 30 pounds. I weigh 215 right now. I can totally do this. I've lost far more than that before. I even know what I need to do to lose the weight. I've already lost about 10 pounds since we went to the doctor 3 weeks ago.

I will do it. I will do it by DragonCon. If I really work at it, I might even do it by my trip to LA with my BFF that way I can borrow more of her awesome clothes *laugh*

I always get what I want.

Sunday, February 24, 2013


I've been working on a blog entry for a couple of days now but I've had a really hard time explaining what's in my brain meats so I will just ask this question


People go on and on about bullying and how it's wrong and everything right?


A lot of these same people talk about how they hate Justin Bieber or they make fun of Honey Boo Boo or any other child "star" who they find ridiculous. Explain to me how that is not bullying, especially given the prevalence of memes and hate talk on the internets. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth to see people hate so hard on these kids. I have never watched Honey Boo Boo's show and I never will but I feel sorry for that kid. Her mother is making her into a caricature of a person and in my opinion, is just exploiting her child for money and "fame" but instead they are getting mockery and ridicule. And as she grows up she will see all the hate speech, all the memes making fun of her when I think about how that must feel? It makes me really sad.

I just don't get why this isn't bullying. Cause they are public figures? Who the fuck cares. Maybe people should just quit being such dicks to each other.

I know, I'm dreaming.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

you have no power over me

It’s funny sometimes. Funny how long ago hurts that you’d largely moved on from can occasionally flare up when the circumstances are right.

We were walking down the alley to Milk Bar on Saturday night and there was a group of 3 girls walking behind us. They were most likely going for the 80’s room as they were all dressed in jeans and heels and didn't look like our normal “spooky” crowd.

They were what I call now “woohoo girls” but in junior high (not as much high school but definitely junior high) they were the girls I most wanted to be friends with and look like. Thin, long shiny hair, always dressed in new, well-fitting clothes, the girls who always just seemed so much cooler and prettier than I felt. These were the girls who would pretend to be friends with me to play elaborate pranks on me. These are the girls that would jog behind me in gym class and make fun of the stretch marks behind my knees or who would constantly talk about how fat I was just within earshot so I would know they were talking about me.

We all remember those girls. Even though you may be loath to admit it, you might have been one of those girls. Kids are dicks. Just how it goes.

Here is the thing. I have let go of a lot of that emotional baggage, I have let go of the hurt caused by those memories. Now I just shrug it off and remember that kids are dicks and it has no bearing at all on my life. I am so not the girl I used to be back then. Shit I am not even the girl I was 4 years ago, I’ve grown up, moved on, let go.

And yet.

Saturday night, walking to the club with the 3 girls behind me I hear one of them whisper something to their friend and then all 3 of them break into gales of laughter and one says “I know right, that’s exactly what I was thinking” and I had a moment.

A flashback if you will.

A moment of feeling like that awkward kid who thought she was way fatter than she really was, wearing those hand-me down clothes and the cheap sneakers with those girls behind me making fun of me in gym class.

But you know what else?

It was just a moment. I walked into the club and was greeted warmly by several friends and jog-trot acquaintances and had a wonderful evening, I promptly forgot about the woohoo girls and went about my night.

I am no longer that girl who would have held on to a perceived and most likely imaginary hurt and let it ruin my evening. I let it roll off of me and I had a great time.

Sometimes this grown up thing ain’t so bad…

begone childhood bs. You have no power over me anymore.  

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Damn that would be glorious

At the grocery store tonight there were two ladies shopping together with two carts totally full of food and beverages. They were still checking out when we left and the bill was already up to $500.00 bucks and they still had a half a cart full of stuff to ring up. No coupons, no worries just buying all the food they presumably wanted or needed.

I still dream of the day when I can go to the grocery store and not have to keep a running tally of ow much I'm spending and having to put stuff back when I go over my limited budget. The ability to go "I want to make X tonight" and then go to the store and get the fixings without ever once having to sacrifice something else to do so.

This seems like the height of success, of comfort, of financial stability. I'll get there. I get closer everyday. 

Patience young Padawan... 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


I had this whole post written out with  the things I try to remind myself of when I am having a rough day and then this song came on my Spotify playlist.

Informatik - Simple
The perfect moment
To share with you my revelation
You might not believe it
Life should not be this complicated

Everything you need to know is right in front of your face
You’ll never get what you don’t ask for
Nobody ever really has it that great
It’s simple so simple to me

Caught up in the moment
So unaware what's arbitrary
We don’t even notice
The miniscule is extraordinary

Everything you need to know is right in front of your face
You’ll never get what you don’t ask for
Nobody ever really has it that great
It’s simple so simple to me

There really can be another way
So simple it defies reason
The only thing we have is today
The only thing we need is love
The only thing we need is love
The only thing we need is love

That’s what keeps me going
Our love life's truths yet to uncover
And finally knowing
That joy and pain are part of each other

Everything you need to know is right in front of your face
You’ll never get what you don’t ask for
Nobody ever really has it that great
It’s simple so simple to me


Monday, February 4, 2013

Perfect Day

I've been thinking a lot about what a perfect day would be for me. Mostly because we just moved and I’ve been dealing with packing and cleaning the old place,  cleaning and unpacking at the new place, taking care of my cat, taking care of Mr. S (to an extent at least, he is an adult after all! *laugh*). Basically just being a responsible adult and making sure that EVERYTHING is taken care of.

I want a day off. I know this doesn't happen in the real world but I was thinking about what a perfect day off would consist of and what would make me happy.

I can sleep in
I don’t have to drive ANYWHERE
Someone else either prepares or brings me food and cleans up after the meals
I don’t have to get dressed for most of the day but I get to decide if I go and get dressed up to go out
I still don’t have to drive
Reading in a comfy chair
Red wine
Sex (duh! Can’t have a perfect day without that *laugh* well at least I can't)
More naps
More wine

Basically a day with no worries, no stress, no anxiety just fun and relaxation .

Just a day where someone else takes care of me. Taking care of other shit so I don’t have to.

I know this is an ad for BBC but it is probably my new favorite version of this song -  Lou Reed! Skye Edwards!  David Bowie! Joan Armatrading! Laurie Anderson! Tammy Wynette and even Shane McGowan. 

What would you include in your perfect day? 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Good times are here again.

Had a quarterly review at work which is also my first review here. 
It is so wonderful to be told how awesome you are. 
It’s also fantastic to be told the areas you need improvement in AND have the support and mentor-ship to help you improve
It’s great to have achievable goals and the tools you need to get there.
It’s been a LOOOONG time since I’ve been this happy with a job. 
Nah, it's not a job. 
It’s a career.

Happy PJ is Happy. 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Did I do that? Or not do that, as the case may be

I had a pure moment of stereotypical uninformed ‘Merican behavior today. All of a sudden my paycheck was less than what I was used to and I didn't know why, thankfully when I sat down and redid my budget I realized it's not the end of the world, I just need to adjust somethings, totally manageable thank goodness.

I didn't know about it because I don’t read the news, I don’t watch TV and I don’t really listen to the radio much anymore either.


When did I become this out of touch? I will admit I have never been super on top of what was going on in the world around me but I usually at least had some concept of what was going on. It was like BAM! All of sudden I realized I've had blinders on without even realizing they were there.

Well from now on I am making it a goal to get back in touch. To inform myself. I am not super happy right now that I let myself get this out of touch but it’s nothing some research and some following news sources won’t fix.

Where do you get your news from? 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I've been around the block, once or maybe twice

No, I am not talking about being a slut. That's a post for another time.

I am talking about roommates, I have had quite a few for my tender years (SHUDDUP) and it's interesting looking back and comparing and contrasting the different people I've lived with and the issues I've had with them and with myself.

Growing up I wasn't used to having anyone but my mom around so when I moved in with my first roommate it was a bit of a culture shock. I had to get used to someone I don't really know being around and dealing with their idiosyncrasies and living style. I've learned over the years the things I can compromise on and the things I can't. The things that drive me up the wall and the things I can blow off. I've had good roommates and bad roommates and ones in between. I started thinking of all the random bullshit and overall I've been pretty lucky because I've never had a hellish roommate, just ones that I was incompatible with.

I've had roommates who didn't take care of their pets (sadly more than one, what the hell?), roommates who never cleaned up after themselves both in their rooms (which I didn't care about since its their living space) and in the public areas, roommates who made messes and then got mad when I didn't clean up their messes, roommates who I didn't even want to talk to after we moved away from each other, roommates who after living together I decided that I didn't want them to have any part in my life. I have had roommates that I haven't talked to once since we quit living with each other and others who I am still friends with.

I started thinking about all of this recently because Mr. S and I have been looking for a house to rent for just the two of us. I've been living with roommates for the last 3-4 years and while some of it has been awesome and some of it not so much, I am very much looking forward to having my own living space again. I have come to realize that with roommates I never quite feel like its my living space as much as their own. I am very much looking forward to Mr. S and I having our own place with our things and it being OUR home.

Not much longer now...