"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

my least favorite sin


Having major pangs of it lately. Not so much of what people have but their ability to get it. And by it, I mostly mean material goods. I know that material goods are largely meaningless and it's not like I want to go and get a bunch of random expensive shit just to have it. I don't want to buy expensive shit in the hopes that people will finally be impressed by me or like me. I want stuff like good shoes to wear to work and for walking around, a new girdle, a new dress, a new corset, hair color. I want to be able to buy a brand new article of clothing that no one else has ever worn before. I want to be able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever food I want without worrying about it.

It's not the buying of stuff that I am envious of, it's the ability to buy stuff. I work hard, I've been trying really hard to work on my debt and I have been pretty successful over all. I mean shit, this time last year I had a broken down car and I had no idea how in the hell I was going to come up with the money to fix it. And here I am, car fixed and mostly paid for (only 100 more bucks and then that will be completely taken care of!) I was stuck in a dead end job that I loathed where there was no hope of promotions or raises or any kind of challenge or growth and here I am in a job I absolutely love, with coworkers and bosses that I respect and new challenges thrown at me every day. I am in far better shape now than I was then and I fully expect to be even better off this time next year but it's the now that has been bugging me. I am paying my bills, doing what is necessary and yet I feel like it's not enough. Why this nagging concern about not being able to buy things? Why this obsession with wanting to buy stuff? Even if it is stuff I actually need, it is just stuff after all.

I have many people in my life that are doing really well right now and are able to do things like buying new furniture, new cars, new clothing, new tattoos, even new homes and I certainly do not begrudge them these things. After all, most of these people have worked incredibly hard for these things, they have earned them and I am so proud and happy to have so many successful individuals in my life. These same people are incredibly generous and have helped me in so many ways that I don't think I could ever thank them enough. I'd like to think that when I am in a position to do so, I will repay them for their kindnesses, buy them dinner, buy them little gifts, do all the things I'd like to do to show them that they are appreciated. For now I do it in my own ways, cleaning their house, driving them around (when they will let me) and by cooking for them. It just doesn't feel like enough right now.

I want more and I want it now!

Patience little grasshopper, all good things in time. I just need to remind myself of this once in awhile.

1 comment:

  1. I hear you... It sucks to have to worry about every purchase you make. I've been in that position for far too long. I make enough to get by (barely, sometimes) but I can't buy whatever groceries I want, or get a new piece of clothing, or go to a movie without worrying about it biting me in the ass later in the month. Like you say, it's not about wanting ALL THE EXPENSIVE THINGS, but just wanting to be able to afford a few things you really want, without having to feel guilty.