"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Unrequited love is usually best left alone

A long, long, long time ago in a not so far away place I had a friend that I very much thought I was in love with. Like a lot. And he was a very good friend who had been there for me through some of the most difficult and painful times in my life. I had feelings for him and by the time I discovered that he had feelings for me, I was no longer in a place to act on my own feelings. This went back and forth for the better part of a decade. When we did get a chance to see each other it was always awkward and the air would be strangely charged. With expectations or hopes, who really knows.

After a decade of loving each other from afar (very afar as he had moved to Europe years before) we got back in touch with each other and began talking in earnest. Talking about giving it a try. Figuring out a way to make it work.

He came to visit from far away, he stayed 2 nights. On the 3rd morning I woke up and he was packing his things telling me that he couldn't sleep and that he had to go. No real explanations, just that he had to go. He flew back to Europe without calling me once to even let me know he was okay. He went about his life never once even sending me an email or a text to let me know he wasn't dead. At that point I knew I wasn't going to get any kind of explanation from him but it took me reminding him that the last time someone left me like that, they were dead the next day, for him to even deign to respond to my phone calls, messages and emails. He gave me some lame platitudes and said that he was okay if jet lagged and that was it.

That was it. I never heard from him again, nor do I want to. For a long time I was so hurt that someone who claimed to love me so very much could just bugger off of across an ocean and not say one goddamned word to me about what was going on. I hated him like I'd never hated anyone before.

I was driving to work today when I looked in the rear view mirror and I swear on anything that matters that it was Him. Here in Colorado, driving through Aurora. That's foolish I thought, there is no way and yet the mannerisms, the movements everything indicated that it was Him. I found out later that a mutual friend of ours got married recently and it is very possible that he was here for that. It is very possible that it was actually him I saw in that car.

And then I had a revelation, an epiphany if you'd like.

I am over him. Well and truly over him. I felt no pangs when I saw him, no sadness, no anger. Nothing at all. I've found someone who fits me way better. Someone that I care about very deeply and that cares about me. I also realized that what I had with the other one wasn't real, it was an illusion. We had always been in love with the idea of each other, never with the actual person. I don't know him, I never did and he never really knew me. While I don't really regret anything that happened (it is part of what made me the awesome person I am now after all) there is a part of me that occasionally wishes we had left it at being in love with the idea.

Oftentimes the idea is better than the realization. It's okay to leave dreams in your head, you don't need to live them all.

Just the naughty ones 

1 comment:

  1. I'd say it's way more often the case that the fantasy is better than the reality. Especially when the fantasy gets built up over years of longing as it did with the two of you.