"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Baby steps

I’ve been talking a lot about wanting to get back on track with my eating and my weight but I find that when I start to do something about it I’ve been losing steam really fucking fast. I’d do really well for a couple of days and then just stop.

I started to really think about that this week and I realized that the real reason I lose steam is that I’ve been sort of apathetic about the whole thing.  When I lost all the weight before it was just because I wanted to wear cuter clothing and I wanted to be happier because I was so fucking miserable at the time. And now, it's hard for me to focus on weight loss when I am so happy in pretty much every other aspect of my life. 

Almost all of my friends are working on losing weight, being healthier and we talk about it all the time and instead of motivating me to work harder it kind of made me just give up. They are all kicking ass and working really hard and showing a lot of progress and me, mule that I am, just dug in my heels and said “fuck it”

I needed to find my motivation. My reason  for eating better, for trying to be healthier and thinner. So, what is it? Again it’s all shallow motivation but motivation it is. I want to fit into my clothes better, I want to not have this roll of fat around my gut. I want to be able to fit in my Fairy Gothmother’s clothes more often *laugh* And I don’t always want to be the “fat one” in my group of friends. I’ve always been the fat one, ALWAYS, and frankly I’m over it. Whatever it takes to get my ass in gear and moving, right? Also, with all the band stuff that has been going on, I need to be in better physical shape if I actually want to be helpful and help with loading gear in and out and helping Mr. S and Uncle Shitty with things. I enjoy helping them and I don’t want to hold things up because I cannot physically lift or carry things, or be able to keep up with them. Well to an extent, I don’t know that ANYONE can really keep up with Uncle Shitty once he gets going.

One of the other things I’ve realized is that I have to take everything in baby steps. When I lost all that weight before it took a while to get moving. I had to come up with mini-goals for myself. Baby steps towards changing my habits and ultimately my entire life.

The steps were –

1.       writing down every single thing I ate or drank, down to the last packet of catsup. It’s amazing how writing everything down really helps you realize how many empty calories you put in your body every single day.   I would also track my water intake so I could get an idea of just how much water I was actually drinking.
2.       Once I’d been writing everything down for at least a week consistently I started to actually measure out my portions so I could see exactly how much I was eating and when. I would pre-portion everything out so I always knew exactly how many cups of X or tablespoons of Y that I was consuming. And I’d start incorporating better choices and healthier foods.
3.       Tracking my calories or Points (when I was actively doing Weight Watchers), initially it wasn’t about staying within a certain range, it was just about adding it u p and seeing where I was at. After a week or so I’d start setting myself goals of certain points for the day or calorie totals for the day.
4.       Start increasing my activity, from little things like parking in the very back of the parking lot, always taking the stairs, going for short walks when I can, taking a walk on breaks etc. Just getting more movement than I would normally. I’d also take my measurements every month to see how many inches I’d lost. I still have that sheet somewhere, my waist started at 48” when I began my weight loss journey all those years ago! I’m currently at 36” now…

You can see where this is going. I never once made goals that had to actually had anything to do with my weight. I’ve always felt that when you set goals about losing a certain amount of weight by a certain time, you are dooming yourself. I’ve always done better when I make goals about changing myself, changing my habits. I stick with them a lot better and for a lot longer when I do it that way.

Anyway, I’m working on getting back on track. I’ve restarted step 1 and combined it with buying healthier foods and snacks. I’m going to do this.

Mama wants new clothes after all. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Unrequited love is usually best left alone

A long, long, long time ago in a not so far away place I had a friend that I very much thought I was in love with. Like a lot. And he was a very good friend who had been there for me through some of the most difficult and painful times in my life. I had feelings for him and by the time I discovered that he had feelings for me, I was no longer in a place to act on my own feelings. This went back and forth for the better part of a decade. When we did get a chance to see each other it was always awkward and the air would be strangely charged. With expectations or hopes, who really knows.

After a decade of loving each other from afar (very afar as he had moved to Europe years before) we got back in touch with each other and began talking in earnest. Talking about giving it a try. Figuring out a way to make it work.

He came to visit from far away, he stayed 2 nights. On the 3rd morning I woke up and he was packing his things telling me that he couldn't sleep and that he had to go. No real explanations, just that he had to go. He flew back to Europe without calling me once to even let me know he was okay. He went about his life never once even sending me an email or a text to let me know he wasn't dead. At that point I knew I wasn't going to get any kind of explanation from him but it took me reminding him that the last time someone left me like that, they were dead the next day, for him to even deign to respond to my phone calls, messages and emails. He gave me some lame platitudes and said that he was okay if jet lagged and that was it.

That was it. I never heard from him again, nor do I want to. For a long time I was so hurt that someone who claimed to love me so very much could just bugger off of across an ocean and not say one goddamned word to me about what was going on. I hated him like I'd never hated anyone before.

I was driving to work today when I looked in the rear view mirror and I swear on anything that matters that it was Him. Here in Colorado, driving through Aurora. That's foolish I thought, there is no way and yet the mannerisms, the movements everything indicated that it was Him. I found out later that a mutual friend of ours got married recently and it is very possible that he was here for that. It is very possible that it was actually him I saw in that car.

And then I had a revelation, an epiphany if you'd like.

I am over him. Well and truly over him. I felt no pangs when I saw him, no sadness, no anger. Nothing at all. I've found someone who fits me way better. Someone that I care about very deeply and that cares about me. I also realized that what I had with the other one wasn't real, it was an illusion. We had always been in love with the idea of each other, never with the actual person. I don't know him, I never did and he never really knew me. While I don't really regret anything that happened (it is part of what made me the awesome person I am now after all) there is a part of me that occasionally wishes we had left it at being in love with the idea.

Oftentimes the idea is better than the realization. It's okay to leave dreams in your head, you don't need to live them all.

Just the naughty ones