"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Mama PJ

I am a strong, independent woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

But

Sometimes, I desperately want someone to take care of me. To pamper me. Make me food, clean up for me, drive me places. You know the drill.

I've always taken care of people. It's sorta what I do. No matter how messed up I get I always make sure my equally messed up friends have water, aspirin, etc. I always make sure things are taken care of, make sure stuff gets cleaned up, take care of people when they are sick. It makes me happy and I'm happy to do it.

I've been on my own a long time, I'm used to taking care of myself when I'm sick. Being on my own when I feel low or shitty. I'm not used to having anyone around to help take care of me when I need it and I'm SHIT at asking for someone to take time out of their lives to take care of me, no matter how close we are. There have been about two instances in recent memory where I got sick, like really, really SICK and I had not one but two people there taking care of me. I don't think that has ever happened in my life other than those two times.

And it's weird. It's weird to allow people to take care of me when I'm that vulnerable and most of the time I prefer to isolate myself when I'm not feeling well. but there are times when I just want someone to bring me juice or tissues or sit there and watch a movie with me while I'm all sniffly. And yet I find it so fucking hard to ask. To actually tell someone that I want them to take care of me for a change. For them to coddle me. For them to just be there for me... Even when I know they would gladly do it.

I need to work on that.



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