"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Friday, March 23, 2012

Confessions


“I pursued whoever-whatever might be loveable, in love with love. Safety I hated–and any course without danger. For within me was a famine.”
“I carried inside me a cut and bleeding soul, and how to get rid of it I just didn’t know. I sought every pleasure–the countryside, sports, fooling around, the peace of a garden, friends and good company, sex, reading. My soul floundered in the void–and came back upon me. For where could my heart flee from my heart? Where could I escape from myself?”

Two of my all time favorite quotes came from the same source. 
St Augustine. 
I found both quotes in the same book,  How The Irish Saved Civilization a very, very long time ago. Both quotes have stuck with me over the years. The lyricism, the sentiment, the sheer emotions expressed have always struck a chord with me. I know that he was taking about his own experiences and how he came to god and all that but for me... for me it was someone else expressing what I've always felt inside. Probably what all of humanity feels on occasion. Pursuing pleasures, mindless entertainments, anything to dull that aching feeling inside. That yearning void. Logically we know that all of these empty pleasures won't fix anything, it won't fulfill any needs, it won't fill the void inside, all it does is distract us from our own emptiness. And sometimes the distractions are what saves us, for the moment at least. Other times the distractions keep us from really examining the problem, getting to the root of the issue and dealing with the shit that is holding us back. 
Dealing with our issues is never fun, it's not glamorous, it's dirty and stressful and it hurts like fucking hell. Figuring out how to make yourself happy without relying on substances, other people and petty distractions. Just learning to be yourself, to be gentle with yourself, to forgive yourself, to just be. I don't really know what I'm trying to get at here. 

I guess my point is, we all have hurts, we all have pain and the ONLY person who can make us feel any better or even attempt to fix us, is ourselves. No one else can do this for you. 
Be your own savior. 

1 comment:

  1. i enslave my demons and make them do my work for me. speaking personally.

    the quran says: the ways to god are as many as breaths. in other words, there isn't any One Way. everyone must find her own.

    verbum sat sapienti, since i know you like to do different, exotic and glamorous things once in a while: if i were you, i would go to the merc this saturday evening. i'm going myself; i think it will be worthwhile.

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