"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Monday, February 20, 2012

External Gratification

Not too long ago the Zen Archer wrote a blog entry about feeling old and how the ego needs to be fed. Actually to quote Herself "I forget sometimes how much the ego needs feeding. Like most people, I forget how beautiful and phenomenal - and beautifully phenomenal, or phenomenally beautiful - I am" and that really got me thinking about things and stuff. We all have those days, days when we feel down in the dumps, feel old, fat, ugly, or whatever your particular demon is. Days when all it takes is one kind word, one compliment, one sincere statement, to make a big difference in how we feel. 

Let me state something right out, it's not that I need that sort of gratification to feel good about myself, to believe in my own self worth or attractiveness. I know I'm awesome and I will tell you that often and loudly, BUT it is awfully nice to have people feed that ego monster inside of me. It's nice to know that when I spend an hour or two getting ready to go out that people notice and when people tell me I look beautiful it makes me feel...vindicated isn't the right word... perhaps appreciated is the word I'm looking for. For some people it's the compliments from strangers that make their day, for others it is compliments from their friends but for me it's compliments from my S.O. or anyone who sees me on a regular basis. Knowing that my nearest and dearest actually take the time to notice that I put extra effort into my appearance or that I said or did something particularly noteworthy, and not only notice but to take the time to stop and tell me that I look pretty or that I smell nice or whatever the case may be. Maybe it is tied to my loathing of being taken for granted? 

Huh, I don't think I ever really thought about the connection between my desire to be recognized by those I spend most of my time with, with my loathing of being taken for granted, my hatred of feeling like a piece of furniture, feeling unappreciated. It's weird to think I'd never connected these two until just this moment but there it is... 

brb got some thinkin' to do


4 comments:

  1. And then how gratifying when you complement a stranger on the street with sincerity and a smile.

    Just dropped in from Jane's.

    Love the podcast and sure hope to hear more.

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  2. As paradox as it sounds, the Zen Archer is essentially correct. Should you have doubts about this, I would like to redirect you in a short excursion of a pamphlet I have translated with the strange title How to Really Piss Yourself Off

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