"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Looking back, 2012

So at the end of last year I wrote a little list of my goals for 2012 and all I can say 


my goals as of 1/2/12

new job (or maybe even starting an actual career) – DONE!
finally getting all my bills caught up and current – DONE!
paying off the one credit card I have – DONE!
continue to go to the gym at least 2 nights a week, 3 or more if possible – Er, not so much
DragonCon – DONE!
Be happy more than I’m not – DONE!

Hot fucking damn.

It only gets better from here. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

How am I looking?

We all have our own rituals, routines, habits. Things we do to make ourselves happy, to feel better about things.

My rituals usually include makeup, dressing nice, putting on heels, making my hair look pretty. All of these things make me feel better about life in general, makes me feel happy, makes me feel good. I enjoy getting dressed up, making more of an effort, doing my best to look my best. Maybe it's shallow, it's probably vain but then again I never denied that I was a shallow and vain person.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Don't like, no sir, not one bit.

This morning has been full of jackassery and things designed to put me in a shit mood. I refuse to do it though.

In no particular order:

fridge door wasn't closed all the way, the seal is tricky and you have to actually push it all the way closed or it won't seal properly
my lunch was mysteriously on the counter even though I put it away last night
the front door wasn't closed all the way
People were driving 20 miles an hour down Havana
the red arrow at Hampden and Yosemite wouldn't trigger and it took 3 cycles for me to get in a different lane to go a different way
took me an hour to get to work today.

*deep breath*

Ok, better now. Gonna drink some coffee, get some work done and later go to my company Xmas party and it will be all good.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

assholes are like opinions, everyone has one

It's not that I have any issue with people who have different opinions than I do. Differing opinions and view points are what makes talking to people so interesting. I love talking to different people and learning what makes them tick and how they view the world.

What bugs me is when people take quotes out of context or use falsified information in order to prove that their opinion is valid. I really loathe mis-information and people who never bother to check their facts.

Have your opinions, state them, be passionate but don't mis-represent the facts and do some research.

Let's chat, shall we?

Monday, November 26, 2012

Giving thanks and stuff

I have a lot to be thankful for and I sometimes forget that. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind and in the minor annoyances and petty grievances that you lose sight of the things in your life that are good and even wonderful.

I had a fantastic 4 day weekend filled with sleeping in, drinks, clubbing with friends, dinner with my family including my friend who just moved to CO, seeing Mr. S's family, laying in bed watching TV with Mr. S, hanging out with a friend who has precious little free time, seeing friends from out of town, having noms delivered to me so I don't even have to put clothes on and just being able to relax and not feeling like I am spread too thin...

I had probably the best Thanksgiving weekend evar and so thank you. Thanks to everyone I shared it with, you are awesome.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


Had a couple of  epiphanies in the last couple of weeks.
None of the comfortable.
None of them easy to deal with.
I miss the days when I never tried to figure out the WHY, just dealt with the annoyance and moved on.
Ignorance truly is bliss.
This has been why my psyche is all messed up.
This has been why I have been unusually grumpy lately.

How do I fix this?
Can I fix this?
Does saying Just Stop It in these circumstances work?

More to follow later but rest assured all is good and mostly happy in my world. There is no major traumas or changes or anything remotely bad.

Just some work that's gotta get done.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Hostess vs Gaza

The big news on Facebook this morning has either been about Hostess closing down or the attacks on the Gaza strip. Several people of my acquaintance have started to rant about how dumb people are for talking about Hostess and not Gaza. How they don't want to live in a world where people are more concerned about the loss of Twinkies rather than the loss of life.

I do have this to say though, talking about Hostess closing isn't likely to get people attacking you about how you are against Israel. One thing I have noticed is that whenever people tend to say anything disparaging about Israel or their attacks on Palestine, people tend to make the claim that you are an anti-Semite and that Israel is just protecting themselves. I get that I don't understand a lot of the politics, I get that I don't know a enough about the background and history of the formation of Israel. I don't really want to debate the finer points of politics or law or belief. I am not trying to offend anyone with my ignorance, I don't want to discuss my own personal beliefs.

I just wanted to take a second to point out that discussing the dissolution of a company that makes snack cakes is way easier and causes a lot less tension and grief than discussing the very real issues and problems that are happening elsewhere in the world. And that sort of sums up the way of the world doesn't it? We don't talk about real issues, we don't try to solve real problems and we certainly don't communicate with each other.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


J- "So who did you vote for?"
Me - "I'm not going to tell you that"
J - "Why not? It's not like I will be offended or anything."
Me - "I don't care how you would feel about it but its none of your business. I don't even tell Mr. S who I vote for. I don't talk about it. Period"

I don't talk about politics.
It's not that I don't vote because I do.
It's not that I don't care because I do.
It's not that I don't have my own beliefs because I do.
I just keep them to myself.
I've always been private about my voting record and I always will be.
So don't assume because I don't say anything that it means I don't care because I do.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

New Blog!

So I started a new blog today called Bitch Can Cook so I can post my recipes and general food adventures. I'm excited about this one so please check it out!

Thursday, November 1, 2012


I will let you in on a little secret –
 You know how when people tell me I look pretty  and I say “of course I do”? 
Well I don’t always buy it or rather, I don’t always feel it on a daily basis. It is totally normal for all of us to have days where we don’t feel attractive or we feel down about ourselves. It happens. But I have been having a week or so of it and it’s getting old. 

I even tried getting all dressed up and making myself pretty which usually works but no, still not feeling it.

Thing is, I don’t honestly think I am ugly or gross or any of these things but I*feel* like it right now. I just feel icky and I’m not sure what to do to make myself feel better as usually this feeling doesn’t linger for quite so long.

So here is my question to you – When you are feeling down about yourself what do you do to make yourself feel better? 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Found this online somewhere and thought it was share worthy and that its message applies to all sorts of relationships. 

Sharing is one of the most difficult things a little can do.
When I get jealous…. or I’m worried I’m not enough….
I think back on our little talks…. our moments.
The things no one can steal, or take away,
the things I protect in my heart.
I remind myself there are as many loves as there are people
and know no one can replace what he and I have.
They can try for my prize… but they’ll just lose their own.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

It's a Wonderful Life

I had a really good weekend.
No, an excellent weekend.

Just the highlights
Saw Deviant UK for the first time since 2009 and it was AWESOME
Met the guys from Carved Souls and For All The Emptiness and they were all incredibly nice
Hung out on the tour bus with all of the bands and talk about Black Adder and EastEnders with Jay and Cheryl
Not only did I get to see Mr. S perform as Synapse, I got to see him playing keys with Deviant UK since he is on tour with them
Spent more time with Mr. S than I had originally anticipated due to a slight scheduling change
Got Santiago's for all of the bands before they left Saturday morning, can't have them leave Denver without having Santiago's!
Getting ready for Halloween shenanigans with my friends
Wearing a pretty elaborate costume for the first time in years and feeling really good in it

Cocktail party and club shenanigans
Staying up till dawn drinking wine and listening to music and generally having Bro Time with my dear friends
Dysfunctional Family Dinner Theatre
Sleeping in my own bed with my kitteh

All of these moments and so many more serve to remind me that life is good and it's fun and it makes me genuinely appreciate and love the people in my life. I have it awfully good.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

ism's - XXII

It isn't taking pleasure in other peoples misfortunes if they are just finally getting what they deserve. It's nice to see some people get their comeuppance once in awhile. 

Monday, October 15, 2012


That is on average how many children are reported missing every day. That adds up to approximately 800,000 kids a year. 800,000 a year.

115 are victims of what they call "stereotypical" kidnappings every year. That means it was someone they don't know well or at all, someone who keeps them over night, transports them more than 50 miles, kills them, demands ransom, or intends to keep the child permanently.

115 a year.

Now let me ask you a question. How many of those kids do we ever actually hear about? We just had a case here in Colorado where a little girl was kidnapped and murdered and while I think it is incredibly sad and very tragic, it breaks my heart to think of how many other missing children cases are totally ignored. The media is so selective about what cases they decide to talk about, the more sensational or lurid the detail the higher the ratings I suppose. What about all those kids who no one gives a shit about? Only their families or the occasional dedicated police office that never gives up hope and tries to let everyone know about the case. In just 5 minutes perusing the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children website, I saw so many photos of missing children that it just breaks my heart. Who knows where these kids went or what happened to them. Who knows who is missing them, who is praying for their return, who is starting to lose any hope they once might have had that their loved one will return to them.

I guess all I am saying is, don't forget all of these other children. The poor kids, the colored kids, the ugly kids, the ones that don't make headlines. Don't forget them.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

With a Little Help From My Friends

So last Saturday I woke up and went to get breakfast for Mr. S and myself and my car was gone. No glass, no nothing, just gone and I knew.

My car was repossessed. FUCK.

Before you get all judgey about me not paying my bills etc let me give you a little bit of background.

Last year I fucked up royally and had to replace the engine in my car. Thanks to some friends who gave me work to do so I could earn rather than borrow the money I was able to get my car fixed in a couple of months. Thanks to Uncle Shitty who did all the actual work and then allowed me to make payments to him for labor. Well as you might know, replacing an engine is anything but cheap but I managed thanks to a little help from my friends.


I struggled to come up with the money for part of that and as a result I let some things slide a bit but don't misunderstand me, I didn't stop making my payments I just wasn't able to pay the whole amount so I got behind. I actually got pretty far behind but I was making payments every two weeks trying desperately to get caught back up. The smallest payment I gave them was $100.00 but it was usually $200.00, every two weeks consistently for the last 8 months or so. I am generally pretty frugal and very realistic about my bills, I have paid off one credit card, the other one only has about $75 left owing on it and that will be paid off by the end of next month. I am still paying off an ER visit (with no insurance mind you) from last winter and I still have regular bills like rent, insurance and my student loan payments to deal with. I was juggling all of these things as adults do and thought I was doing okay, not great but at least okay.

Well apparently despite me trying to make amends and make those payments and get caught up, it wasn't enough for the finance company. Apparently they also didn't need to send me a right to cure notice or notify me that they thought the situation was bad enough that they were considering repo-ing my car. No voicemails other than the standard "why are you behind, can you pay x by today, can't you borrow the money or sell something to make your payment" calls, no letters, no nothing, just repossession. So I called them and they explained to me that I was 77 days behind and that my account manager had made the decision to repossess my car.


Okay, this may not be catastrophic, I might be able to figure it out. After over an hour on hold I finally got a hold of someone who was able to tell me that the finance company had decided that all I needed to pay is the amount I was behind, late fees and the repo fee of $300.00, it came up to $1200.00 which all things considered isn't as bad as it could have been. After all they could have demanded the full balance of my loan which would have been pretty much a insurmountable obstacle for me. So, $1200.00 okay, I can probably figure this out and then they told me that I would have approximately 2 weeks to come up with that chunk of change.


I thought about it a long time and finally decided to do a Chip In account for it. I felt really awkward and uncomfortable doing it but I really didn't know what else to do. I have never been good at asking for help and when it comes to money I am especially bad about it. I have always thought that I am an adult and if I get into trouble I have no one else to blame and no one else to count on and I shouldn't count on them because I should be able to dig myself out of my own holes. *ahem* but I didn't know what else to do. I had $300 already set aside for a car payment but no clue how to come up with an additional $900 in such a short time span. So Chip In it was and WOW. I am utterly blown away by the generosity and support so many of my friends (and even a few strangers) not just financially but emotionally. After just a week and a half I managed to raise what I need to get my car back and even enough money to get my tags that are due this month. I couldn't have done it without you and I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Health Insurance is a wonderful thing

So after 7 long years I finally have health insurance again and there was much rejoicing.

Oh don't get me wrong, my old jobs offered insurance but the cost was prohibitive so I just got used to not going to a doctor and not having health insurance. It's not a good way to live. I made one ER trip in all those years and it ended up costing me 1500+ even after applying for assistance.  Thank god for payment arrangements.

Well now I have affordable health care and I'm stoked about it. I've been sick off and on for the last 2 weeks or so and I know Capt. Tripps is going around so I thought to myself "fuck it, I am going to the doctor tomorrow" It's so sad that I am this genuinely excited about being able to have the basic ability to go to a doctor when I am not feeling well and not have to pay an exorbitant amount to do it. The doctor I am going to is someone I've been to before and who accepts patients without insurance at a pretty decent rate but it is still than what I could usually afford. This shouldn't be that big of a deal but insurance can be so damned expensive.

I don't understand people who have insurance, especially the uber awesome mega insurance, who never use it. They stay sick, they linger for far longer than should be necessary just because they don't want to go to the doctor. Look going to the doctor isn't fun, I am not a fan and it's been so long since I have had a regular doctor I almost don't remember what it is like but seriously, if you have it, USE IT. Take care of yourself.

You are the only you you get.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

the thought counts, more than you will ever know

They say it's the thought that counts
and I'd have to agree
having someone think of you
paying you simple courtesies
saying thank you
showing their appreciation for you in the smallest ways
The littlest of things can mean so much to people
All it takes is a second
a thought
and you can make someones day

I was talking with a friend the other night who told me how much it meant to them that I bought them a drink on their birthday, such a simple act and yet it meant a lot to him.

Little things
Simple things
It doesn't take a lot to make someones day
It doesn't take a lot of effort to make someone happy

Cheap trinkets that remind you of someone
A thank you
A genuine compliment
Random notes with love yous on them
A kiss when they think you are sleeping
Asking if you need anything when they are going somewhere

Little things
Simple things
Make the effort
Spend the time
Make others happy

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Dcon wrap up 2012

another year down, another set of memories made, another set of stories that I'll never tell but here are some highlights

*Seeing John Rhys Davies wearing a 3 piece suit in Hotlanta, being somber and yet playful as only he can, chatting up some kids waiting in line

*walking past James Callis on the Skywalk and not realizing it was him until he was past me

*having a total stranger with the longest legs and nicest ass ever tell me I'm stunning

*getting to use the line "come here young Padawan" in the most hilariously inappropriate circumstances ever

*trying to teach a puppy how to play with the big dogs

*Seeing C&J

*meeting all sorts of wonderful new acquaintances

*Archer panel, Amber Nash and Lucky Yates are just as hilarious in the meat space as they are on the TV

*walking back to the room with Mr. S after a long night of hanging out with friends and general hi-jinks, and having the gaggle of stereotypical gamer guys stop and comment "see that magic that is happening behind us? That isn't happening to us, and that's why our con sucks"

*standing there gawking at how pretty Ian Somerhalder is and then remembering that episode of SVU he is was in...

*wonderful food and fellowship at Alma Cocina

*balcony cigarette breaks where truths were told and secrets kept

*seeing not one but TWO guys dressed as Rimmer from Red Dwarf! And having one of them state prior to photo taking "wait, let me look smug for this"

*getting Grant Imahara's autograph AND a picture of him with a guy dressed as Geoff Peterson. He is Geoff's daddy after all!

*realizing that the friends I have chosen to surround myself with are some of the most amazing people I've ever known and trying to come with terms that they actually see the person not the potential and they still chose to be around me. (I'm trying Ringo, I'm trying)

*being a helpful helper

*getting my picture taken with Jason Momoa and having him tell me I'm pretty. JASON MOMOA Y'ALL

see you next year

Monday, August 20, 2012

Busy PJ is Busy

Oh lordy have I been busy lately. Like so much so that I sometimes wonder how I have been able to keep my shit together.

Working extra hours at work, not because I have to or because I get paid extra but because I love my job and we have been super busy and I am trying to help keep the fulfillment teams head above water (not succeeding so much, but I'm trying Ringo. I'm trying)

Trying to keep with the FB postings for The German's architectural design company, which by the way features some super cool shit, check it out here  at Facadesign

Desperately attempting to finish Tedious Project ™ and discovering that there are about a gazillion more documents to go.

Social activities galore including trips to the mountains both for Synapse shows and for fun with a friend, visits from out of town or even out of state, club nights, concerts, Cash Mobs, zoo trips, trips  to Colorado Springs to get my super awesome new dress courtesy of Timeless Elegance and Dysfunctional Family Dinner Theaters to attend.

I leave for DragonCon in exactly 10 days and I have no idea how I am going to have the time or energy to get everything ready for it. I have 10, well more like 9 days to somehow get all my work done, do my pretty, pretty princess primping for Con, run errands and make sure that Mr. S and I have everything we need for our trip.

Thank god I have a bazillion roommates to take care of the house and the Heidi-cat.

One thing down, a million to go.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

my least favorite sin


Having major pangs of it lately. Not so much of what people have but their ability to get it. And by it, I mostly mean material goods. I know that material goods are largely meaningless and it's not like I want to go and get a bunch of random expensive shit just to have it. I don't want to buy expensive shit in the hopes that people will finally be impressed by me or like me. I want stuff like good shoes to wear to work and for walking around, a new girdle, a new dress, a new corset, hair color. I want to be able to buy a brand new article of clothing that no one else has ever worn before. I want to be able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever food I want without worrying about it.

It's not the buying of stuff that I am envious of, it's the ability to buy stuff. I work hard, I've been trying really hard to work on my debt and I have been pretty successful over all. I mean shit, this time last year I had a broken down car and I had no idea how in the hell I was going to come up with the money to fix it. And here I am, car fixed and mostly paid for (only 100 more bucks and then that will be completely taken care of!) I was stuck in a dead end job that I loathed where there was no hope of promotions or raises or any kind of challenge or growth and here I am in a job I absolutely love, with coworkers and bosses that I respect and new challenges thrown at me every day. I am in far better shape now than I was then and I fully expect to be even better off this time next year but it's the now that has been bugging me. I am paying my bills, doing what is necessary and yet I feel like it's not enough. Why this nagging concern about not being able to buy things? Why this obsession with wanting to buy stuff? Even if it is stuff I actually need, it is just stuff after all.

I have many people in my life that are doing really well right now and are able to do things like buying new furniture, new cars, new clothing, new tattoos, even new homes and I certainly do not begrudge them these things. After all, most of these people have worked incredibly hard for these things, they have earned them and I am so proud and happy to have so many successful individuals in my life. These same people are incredibly generous and have helped me in so many ways that I don't think I could ever thank them enough. I'd like to think that when I am in a position to do so, I will repay them for their kindnesses, buy them dinner, buy them little gifts, do all the things I'd like to do to show them that they are appreciated. For now I do it in my own ways, cleaning their house, driving them around (when they will let me) and by cooking for them. It just doesn't feel like enough right now.

I want more and I want it now!

Patience little grasshopper, all good things in time. I just need to remind myself of this once in awhile.

Monday, July 30, 2012

ism's - XXI

The harder you try to piss me off or annoy me, the more I will ignore you.

You have no power here.


Thursday, July 26, 2012

timely fashion

 It is time to stop focusing on how far I have come and it is time to start focusing on where I am going.

It is time to stop talking about how much I've done and it is time to focus on what I still have left to do.

It is time to stop resting on my laurels.

Make shit happen

It is what I do after all.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

What kind of friend are you?

What kind of friend are you?
Are you actually a friend to the people around you or are you the "user"? Take a long hard look and think about it for minute.

Don't know what I mean by user? They are the friends that give you NOTHING in return, they are the ones who never call/write/text/communicate, they are the ones who who only ever talk about themselves, the ones who never ask how you are or what is going on in your life, they are the ones who continuously cock block you by always trying to steal the attention away from you and put it on themselves. They are the toxic people, the ones who always expect you to be there for them but are never there for you. They don't respect you or your time or your space.

I think we have all had those people in our lives. I spent years being friends with people like that. Thinking they were my real friends, deluding myself. My mom always used to tell me that she knew certain people weren't actually my friends, that they were using me, but of course I didn't want to listen to her. She's just my mom, what the hell would she know? *sigh*

So here I am, in my 30's and I have finally gotten to the point where I can recognize these people and I try to avoid them as much as possible. I have too many other wonderful friends in my life who genuinely give a shit about me and that I give a shit about. I strive to keep my life drama free and worthwhile and those users are far from worth my time. I am blessed by the over abundance of the awesomeness of my friends. And I try to make sure that I am a good friend to them as well.

So I ask again? What kind of friend are you? And are your friends really your friends?

Something to ponder on this thundery afternoon.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I am not the person your advertisement was meant for

I just saw an anti-smoking commercial that basically said that the only reason people smoke is because the ads make cigarettes look glamorous and that you'd look cool and tough people do it and you feel like you are more independent when you smoke. I am confused a bit.

I know why I smoked in the beginning. The ads never once even occurred to me.  It all started as a stress reliever, it gave me something to think about other than what was going on in my life. I knew it was bad for me, I knew it could kill me and I didn't care. I still don't care overmuch about that. I have slowed down quite a bit and now a pack can last me a week and a half whereas before I was at about a pack to a pack and a half a day. I don't say that to justify it, I still know it's a stupid habit. An expensive habit. But it also is a habit I enjoy thank you very much. I enjoy being at the club with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Something about the motions of smoking, the feeling of the smoke in my lungs, all of it is part of an experience to me.

I have never once watched an commercial or seen an ad that made me think "ooh I want to do that because I will look cool or glamorous or pretty" I know smoking isn't a pretty habit, I also don't care. What I want to know is, who are these people that watch, ok used to watch these commercials or see the print ads (since it's illegal now) and think to themselves "gee all I need to be cool is to smoke?" And if they can't show the TV ads or print magazine ads, why are people still starting to smoke? Does showing ads with people dying of cancer or those Truth commercial really change anyone's minds? Is there a single fucking smoker in the world who is legally old enough to purchase their own cigarettes who DOESN'T know that this can kill you?

Someone please explain this to me because I really don't get it.

Monday, July 16, 2012


best friends forever, in case you weren't sure what that meant. But what does it *really* mean? What makes someone your best friend?

Growing up we had those split heart necklaces where one half was yours and the other half went to your best friend to show the world just how good of friends you were. What it inevitably seemed to do was make your other friends feel alienated and somehow slighted. At least that is what I always saw among my own friends who chose to publicly elevate one friend to be the Alpha among all of their friends. What I really want to talk about is friendship and what it means to me and question what it means to you.

Friendship, true friendship is much like a romantic relationship in my opinion. Mutual likes, dislikes, interests, the ability to appreciate and understand each other's crazy and the willingness to listen to one another kvetch. The willingness and ability to bring up the other person even when you are feeling down, the willingness to sit and listen and know that there are times when you can't do a damn thing to make them feel better. Knowing that you can call on them for help when needed. All of these things and more define true friendship to me. So many other aspects are undefinable, subjective things that perhaps only really matter to me.

There are also as many ways to prove that you are true friend to people. Listening when they talk, genuinely giving a shit about what is going on in their lives, being there for them when they need you or even when they don't. Being respectful of their space and time, making an effort to see them or spend time with them or even just stay in contact with them.

Back to the original topic, what makes someone your "best" friend? What is it that elevates one friend over another? I know that I have a select few friends who I would call if I ever needed help with anything, I have a few friends that I know I can talk to about anything including but not limited to my own dumb girl moments.  People that I trust to tell me when I've done something stupid and who trust me to admit it to them and myself when I've fucked something up. I love these people dearly and recently I have discovered that I am blessed with more of these people than I even realized. I am lucky for sure and I appreciate these people more than they will ever know and I will endeavor not to ever take our relationships for granted. 

I don't know that I would use the term best friend but I am definitely closer to some than others. 

Now my question for you is - what do YOU consider makes someone a best friend or do you use the term best friend?  Does it feel juvenile for you to use that term like it makes me feel or is it something else?

Inquiring minds want to know. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

grow up

When you live a life with no consequences I suppose there is no reason to take any responsibility for yourself or your actions. When there is always someone to bail you out, catch your fall, pay your debts, you never learn how to take care of yourself.

Years ago I had some friends whose parents took care of them long into adulthood. Parents paid the bills, parents paid the debt, parents paid for almost everything. They could spend as much as they wanted on their credit cards and they never had to stop and think about how or when it would get paid back.

I started to wonder if these kids of theirs would ever learn how to take care of themselves. Would they ever learn to balance a checkbook? Pay their own bills? Actually work for their own living? I grew apart from them long before we got to the point where they would have to figure it out or end up just finding someone else to take care of them. I am convinced that is what most of these people do. Just latch onto someone else who can and will take care of them with no consequences or real responsibilities.

I occasionally wonder what that is like. To never have to think about how I am going to pay for things, how I going pay bills, how I am going to eat. There are times when I think that must be nice. It must be nice to not ever think about the financial consequences of your actions.

On the other hand I am so glad that I know how to take care of myself, I know how to handle my money and if I fuck it up I know how to take care of myself. On the rare occasion (see blog entries about my colossal fuck up with my car and the esplody engine) I managed to work for most of the money instead of begging or borrowing it. We all need help sometimes, but first you need to learn to take care of yourself. Be your own boss, run your own life, quit depending on others to take care of you or bail you out.

“The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” 
― Anne Frank

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

They say it's your birthday...

my birthday is coming up. Well sorta, since it's not actually until September 14th but it's getting closer and closer with every passing day. And you know what else is getting closer? DragonCon! That my dear friends is my birthday present to myself and I cannot freaking wait. I started to compile a list of all the random accouterment that I need prior to leaving that Thursday before Labor Day and the panic started to set in. Although most of the things I need are small and inexpensive they sure add up and a girls got to eat!

I was discussing this with a friend and they suggested asking the people who would normally give me birthday gifts to make their gifts something I need for my trip. A wish list of sorts. What a fantastic idea! I don't *need* a lot of things and my family is usually pretty awesome about getting me useful gifts that I also may not always buy for myself.

for example -
stockings in black, size Q2
these are my absolute favorite by the way for my other lady friends who have big ol thighs-

a new girdle in black, size 3XL or 36"
the most comfortable thing I've ever owned, so sad when it finally died.

a new pair of walkin' shoes in black size 9
mine disappeared awhile back *sadface*
and yes I know they are Crocs and I am moderately embarrassed by that in and of itself but quite honestly these shoes were a lifesaver when I went to D*con in 2010. The fact that they are comfortable to wear ALL day and that I can just wash them out... someone find me a different brand that works as well and I'd be happy try them too.

summer dresses
Gotta have something to wear around during the day and we all know I won't be wearing pants!
something like these ones
their size 46 - http://www.chicstar.com/storefront/listproducts.aspx?Plus-Size-Archaize-Polka-dot-Dress&id=9226 or http://www.chicstar.com/storefront/listproducts.aspx?Plus-size-Retro-Polka-Dot-Swing-Dress&id=9672 or http://www.chicstar.com/storefront/listproducts.aspx?Plus-Size-Rockabilly-Polka-Dot-Halter-Dress&id=7592

oh and I want this just cause
http://www.chicstar.com/storefront/listproducts.aspx?Plus-Size-Fishtail-Ruffles-Skirt&id=10405 (I forgot how cute their clothes are!)

my mini wish list such as it is...

No matter what though, I will be prepared.

By hook or by crook.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Why I might end up in jail this Labor Day weekend

So this year Mr. S and I are making the pilgrimage to Hotlanta for Labor Day weekend to attend Dragon*Con. If you've never heard of Dragon*Con, well it's one of the largest multi-media conventions focusing on sci-fi and fantasy. It's sorta like Comic Con but more for the fans than the industry.
And it's WONDERFUL. Lots of costumes, partying, making new friends, partying, swag, partying, neat stuff to buy and look at and did I mention partying? This year should be particularly fun as the our little Dysfunctional Family Dinner Theatre group is going in its entirety and for several of them this is their first time. I am by no means an expert on D*Con as this is only my second time but I'm very excited to get to share this with my friends.

Oh wait, I was supposed to be telling you why I might end up in jail that weekend right? Well among the list of guests this year are:

Sean Maher from Firefly
Jamie Bamber from BSG

James Callis from BSG
Joe Manganiello from True Blood 
James Marsters from Buffy

Ian Somerhalder from Lost and the Vampire Diaries 

John Barrowman from Torchwood

Paul Wesley from Vampire Diaries

and last but most definitely not least
the Captain himself Sir Patrick Stewart

Now accepting donations for bail money, I think I am going to need it.

I'll be in my bunk.

Monday, July 2, 2012


it's been obnoxiously hot the last couple of weeks. As I am sure everyone is aware, thanks to both the real world and the copious amount of posting on the social networks discussing how hot it is. I have air conditioning both at home (where truth be told, I'm actually frequently chilly) and at work so I try not to complain too much about the heat. Not *too* much.

What does bother me, no, what pisses me off is how the heat makes people extra cunty and extra stupid. Everything from the way people are driving to the way people behave at the club has just been off and annoying.

heat is one thing, people being extra cutny is another.

I don't like it, no sir, not one bit. 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Baby steps

I’ve been talking a lot about wanting to get back on track with my eating and my weight but I find that when I start to do something about it I’ve been losing steam really fucking fast. I’d do really well for a couple of days and then just stop.

I started to really think about that this week and I realized that the real reason I lose steam is that I’ve been sort of apathetic about the whole thing.  When I lost all the weight before it was just because I wanted to wear cuter clothing and I wanted to be happier because I was so fucking miserable at the time. And now, it's hard for me to focus on weight loss when I am so happy in pretty much every other aspect of my life. 

Almost all of my friends are working on losing weight, being healthier and we talk about it all the time and instead of motivating me to work harder it kind of made me just give up. They are all kicking ass and working really hard and showing a lot of progress and me, mule that I am, just dug in my heels and said “fuck it”

I needed to find my motivation. My reason  for eating better, for trying to be healthier and thinner. So, what is it? Again it’s all shallow motivation but motivation it is. I want to fit into my clothes better, I want to not have this roll of fat around my gut. I want to be able to fit in my Fairy Gothmother’s clothes more often *laugh* And I don’t always want to be the “fat one” in my group of friends. I’ve always been the fat one, ALWAYS, and frankly I’m over it. Whatever it takes to get my ass in gear and moving, right? Also, with all the band stuff that has been going on, I need to be in better physical shape if I actually want to be helpful and help with loading gear in and out and helping Mr. S and Uncle Shitty with things. I enjoy helping them and I don’t want to hold things up because I cannot physically lift or carry things, or be able to keep up with them. Well to an extent, I don’t know that ANYONE can really keep up with Uncle Shitty once he gets going.

One of the other things I’ve realized is that I have to take everything in baby steps. When I lost all that weight before it took a while to get moving. I had to come up with mini-goals for myself. Baby steps towards changing my habits and ultimately my entire life.

The steps were –

1.       writing down every single thing I ate or drank, down to the last packet of catsup. It’s amazing how writing everything down really helps you realize how many empty calories you put in your body every single day.   I would also track my water intake so I could get an idea of just how much water I was actually drinking.
2.       Once I’d been writing everything down for at least a week consistently I started to actually measure out my portions so I could see exactly how much I was eating and when. I would pre-portion everything out so I always knew exactly how many cups of X or tablespoons of Y that I was consuming. And I’d start incorporating better choices and healthier foods.
3.       Tracking my calories or Points (when I was actively doing Weight Watchers), initially it wasn’t about staying within a certain range, it was just about adding it u p and seeing where I was at. After a week or so I’d start setting myself goals of certain points for the day or calorie totals for the day.
4.       Start increasing my activity, from little things like parking in the very back of the parking lot, always taking the stairs, going for short walks when I can, taking a walk on breaks etc. Just getting more movement than I would normally. I’d also take my measurements every month to see how many inches I’d lost. I still have that sheet somewhere, my waist started at 48” when I began my weight loss journey all those years ago! I’m currently at 36” now…

You can see where this is going. I never once made goals that had to actually had anything to do with my weight. I’ve always felt that when you set goals about losing a certain amount of weight by a certain time, you are dooming yourself. I’ve always done better when I make goals about changing myself, changing my habits. I stick with them a lot better and for a lot longer when I do it that way.

Anyway, I’m working on getting back on track. I’ve restarted step 1 and combined it with buying healthier foods and snacks. I’m going to do this.

Mama wants new clothes after all. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Unrequited love is usually best left alone

A long, long, long time ago in a not so far away place I had a friend that I very much thought I was in love with. Like a lot. And he was a very good friend who had been there for me through some of the most difficult and painful times in my life. I had feelings for him and by the time I discovered that he had feelings for me, I was no longer in a place to act on my own feelings. This went back and forth for the better part of a decade. When we did get a chance to see each other it was always awkward and the air would be strangely charged. With expectations or hopes, who really knows.

After a decade of loving each other from afar (very afar as he had moved to Europe years before) we got back in touch with each other and began talking in earnest. Talking about giving it a try. Figuring out a way to make it work.

He came to visit from far away, he stayed 2 nights. On the 3rd morning I woke up and he was packing his things telling me that he couldn't sleep and that he had to go. No real explanations, just that he had to go. He flew back to Europe without calling me once to even let me know he was okay. He went about his life never once even sending me an email or a text to let me know he wasn't dead. At that point I knew I wasn't going to get any kind of explanation from him but it took me reminding him that the last time someone left me like that, they were dead the next day, for him to even deign to respond to my phone calls, messages and emails. He gave me some lame platitudes and said that he was okay if jet lagged and that was it.

That was it. I never heard from him again, nor do I want to. For a long time I was so hurt that someone who claimed to love me so very much could just bugger off of across an ocean and not say one goddamned word to me about what was going on. I hated him like I'd never hated anyone before.

I was driving to work today when I looked in the rear view mirror and I swear on anything that matters that it was Him. Here in Colorado, driving through Aurora. That's foolish I thought, there is no way and yet the mannerisms, the movements everything indicated that it was Him. I found out later that a mutual friend of ours got married recently and it is very possible that he was here for that. It is very possible that it was actually him I saw in that car.

And then I had a revelation, an epiphany if you'd like.

I am over him. Well and truly over him. I felt no pangs when I saw him, no sadness, no anger. Nothing at all. I've found someone who fits me way better. Someone that I care about very deeply and that cares about me. I also realized that what I had with the other one wasn't real, it was an illusion. We had always been in love with the idea of each other, never with the actual person. I don't know him, I never did and he never really knew me. While I don't really regret anything that happened (it is part of what made me the awesome person I am now after all) there is a part of me that occasionally wishes we had left it at being in love with the idea.

Oftentimes the idea is better than the realization. It's okay to leave dreams in your head, you don't need to live them all.

Just the naughty ones 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

ism's - XX

                If you behave like a spoiled child, expect to be treated like a child. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself. JUST STOP IT.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Mama PJ

I am a strong, independent woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of myself.


Sometimes, I desperately want someone to take care of me. To pamper me. Make me food, clean up for me, drive me places. You know the drill.

I've always taken care of people. It's sorta what I do. No matter how messed up I get I always make sure my equally messed up friends have water, aspirin, etc. I always make sure things are taken care of, make sure stuff gets cleaned up, take care of people when they are sick. It makes me happy and I'm happy to do it.

I've been on my own a long time, I'm used to taking care of myself when I'm sick. Being on my own when I feel low or shitty. I'm not used to having anyone around to help take care of me when I need it and I'm SHIT at asking for someone to take time out of their lives to take care of me, no matter how close we are. There have been about two instances in recent memory where I got sick, like really, really SICK and I had not one but two people there taking care of me. I don't think that has ever happened in my life other than those two times.

And it's weird. It's weird to allow people to take care of me when I'm that vulnerable and most of the time I prefer to isolate myself when I'm not feeling well. but there are times when I just want someone to bring me juice or tissues or sit there and watch a movie with me while I'm all sniffly. And yet I find it so fucking hard to ask. To actually tell someone that I want them to take care of me for a change. For them to coddle me. For them to just be there for me... Even when I know they would gladly do it.

I need to work on that.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


So I discovered that Grant Imahara is going to be at DragonCon this year and I'm unreasonably excited that I might have the opportunity to meet him. If you don't recognize the name, I wouldn't be surprised. Most people would know him as a part of the Mythbusters team but I love him for a whole different reason. Mr. Imahara is responsible for creating one of all time favorite robot sidekicks on television.

Geoff Peterson.

and this

and this

I love me some Geoff Peterson. A lot.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Vignette #5

Going to the movies to see Mission to Mars with my dad. I'm 22 and HUNGOVER like you wouldn't believe. Struggling to make it through the movie without losing my lunch and failing miserably when they get to the part where the ship is going in slow circles over and over and over again. Later talking to my dad about the movie and the excessive amount of eyeliner that Gary Sinise was wearing and realizing that I didn't hide my hangover as well as I thought I had.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I have a foolproof cure for that

It amuses me how there are certain things that when you talk about it, either in the meat space or on the facepage, you always get advice on how to handle it. Things like diet, insomnia and sickness....

It is inevitable that when you post about insomnia people post about melatonin and drinking water and not drinking water and sleep masks and lavender and white noise and any and all sorts of remedies. From the mundane to the ridiculous. Sadly I never wrote down any gems that I've received over the last 10+ years that I've been dealing with my own sleep issues.

You mention that you want to start eating healthy or want to lose weight and all of a sudden there are a flurry of responses like "Oh I did X diet and it was awesome" or "You should try X diet" or "I only eat x and y and I lost a ton of weight" and even the occasional "You don't need to lose weight, you look great already".

The same goes for sickness, you say you have a cold and all of a sudden everyone is a doctor and has the perfect cure for you.

I suppose this is just human nature at work. They know that something worked once for them or that their grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, whoever used to do X and it was a MIRACLE WORKER. Some people just like to tell people what to do *ahem*

Only you knows what works for you. What works for me, won't work for everyone. What works for you, may not work for me.

To each their own but thanks for the opinion.


Self awareness is a motherfucker sometimes.

Those Zen Arrows? I think they might sting worse when I lob them at myself.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

"Up, up, up the ziggurat lickety-split!"

I was at  my last job for 5 years. Five looooooong years and now I have a new job and I all of a sudden realized just how much, liking your job and the company you work for makes a difference in your day to day life.

I feel like this new job has a lot of potential and that I might actually be able to get the little things like raises and promotions. Oh and affordable health insurance.

I found out recently that they are going to keep me as a permanent employee and that means I get a raise. The first raise I've had in 4 years!

But I have found out what is more important to me. I love this job. I like a lot of the people I work with. I like the office I work in. I actually don't mind going to work, matter of fact I look forward to it. The work day flies by and I frequently find myself thinking how nice it would be to be able to work MORE hours just to be able to get more work done. Not even thinking about if I'd make more money for working more hours. I simply want to do the work. It's been way too long since I've been this satisfied in a job.

Yay me!

Something extraordinary happened on the way to Austin

I witnessed something extraordinary recently.

There was a festival scheduled to happen the last week of April in Austin, TX. Mr. S's band Synapse was scheduled to play on Saturday night and Uncle Shitty was doing A/V for the outside stage. I had him all packed and ready to depart when all of a sudden we got a phone call from Ritual telling us that he thought the festival was canceled. This was on Wednesday. The festival was due to start on Friday. What the fuck? Mr. S immediately jumped on the phone and contacted some of the people in the bands that had been scheduled to play Terrorbyte and all of a sudden a new plan was born.

A lot of the artists were already travelling to Austin, a lot of fans had flights and hotels booked, why not take advantage of the fact that these people will already be there and make some shit happen? We posted an event on Facebook called Terrorbit to try to help coordinate people who were still willing to perform or who were interested in salvaging what we could. After about 5 hours on the phone, Mr. S in combination with a handful of people in Austin and San Antonio, pulled a whole new festival out of the air.

New venues were lined up, people were volunteering left and right to play for free, to donate funds to cover flights for the artists whose flights had been canceled. It was amazing to watch the TX scene pull together. Everyone was excited and just wanted to make a show happen despite all the wanton jackassery surrounding the original festival and it's subsequent cancellation.

While the festival came together I couldn't help but wonder how it was actually going to turn out. It's easy to talk a big game about pulling together and it's a whole different thing to make it actually happen. I got messages from the Synapse crew letting me know that people had made Terrorbit posters, that there was a packed house at Elysium Saturday night, that everyone was still really excited about the entire event. By all accounts the new festival went off fantastically.

The Terrorbit poster - blurry but you get the point.

That is what is extraordinary. Not only did people pull together to salvage what would have been a total shitshow, they pulled it off and had a fantastic time.


I have wondered on occasion if the fractious Denver scene would be able to pull together to do something like this. I'd like to say yes they could. And maybe it's possible.

Just maybe.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A couple of don't likes followed by a like

I don't like it when people say that I won't ever know what real love is because I refuse to breed.
I don't like it when people tell me "oh you will change your mind" when I say I don't want kids.
I don't like it when people tell me that the way we live our lives mean that Mr. S and I don't actually love each other. 
I don't like it when people pass out broad judgments without explaining why they feel that way
I don't like it when people continually prove how inconsiderate and thoughtless they are.
I don't like it when people don't have any accountability for their actions.
I don't like it when people argue or pick fights with you when you aren't the one they are mad at.
I don't like it when girls wear corsets with jeans.

I guess that's enough of the hate parade for now.

I do like people.
Well sometimes.
A little bit.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Shhh, you are prettier when you don't talk

I really hate it when I meet someone who I find very physically attractive and then they talk and ruin the entire facade for me. I wish that people's personalities and intelligence didn't affect their attractiveness to me quite so much. I am like a dude in a LOT of ways but I definitely find that I have a hard time maintaining a physical attraction to someone who doesn't appeal to me mentally in some way.

Don't get me wrong, I have had sex with several people that couldn't carry a conversation in a bag. People who wouldn't even know how to open a book let alone have an intelligent discourse on something that interests me. We've all had those people in our lives, it's just as I get older I find that I have less patience and am less willing to make compromises. I get far more satisfaction out of someone who can turn me on mentally than someone with nothing more than a pretty face. Of course the reality of it is, there are far more dummies than smarties in the world and there is every chance that I might at some point end up in bed with a dummy again.

It happens *shrug* I mean shit, I've got NEEDS y'all but I am definitely more wary of the insipid drones.

Show me your brains, it's way hotter than your ass.

And if your brains aren't as hot as your face? Remember this saying -

If you think you have something to say, just wait 5 minutes and then shut the fuck up.

Saturday, March 31, 2012


When did innocent until proven guilty


guilty until proven innocent?

the media and the populace at large wantonly ruin peoples lives by convicting them in public long before these people have had their day in court. Some of them are guilty, some are not. The ones who aren't go on to live shit lives because of what had been said about them in the media. Even after being legally exonerated they are seen as guilty by Joe Schmo.

just stop it. Were you there? Do you have ALL the evidence in the case? Did you witness it? No? Then stop the judgements and quit convicting people in your head. What if the tables were turned and it was YOU up there.

How would you like it?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

I just don't get it.

There is something I have never been able to understand no matter how hard I try.

It's hate.

Well specifically, unjustified hate, like hating groups of people because they are different than you. Religion or lack thereof, sexual orientation or skin color... I've never been able to understand it. Like, at all.

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person but I can't fathom hating people that you don't even know. Are there people in the world that I hate? Yes, but only a handful and all of them have earned my loathing through their own special brand of jackassery.

I've thought about this a LOT. I've watched documentaries and read books about the Stonewall riots, about genocides, about pogroms and I just don't get it. People are just... people. We are all different and that is precisely what makes the world an interesting place to live in. Don't force your beliefs on me and I won't force mine on you. Let's talk about our differences, not fight. Let's embrace the fact that we are different from each other and be glad that our little world allows for such incredible variety and beauty. Life is too short to hate for no reason. Hate serves no fucking purpose in my opinion.

I'd ask if you could explain it to me but I don't think it'll ever be possible for me to understand it.

Friday, March 23, 2012


“I pursued whoever-whatever might be loveable, in love with love. Safety I hated–and any course without danger. For within me was a famine.”
“I carried inside me a cut and bleeding soul, and how to get rid of it I just didn’t know. I sought every pleasure–the countryside, sports, fooling around, the peace of a garden, friends and good company, sex, reading. My soul floundered in the void–and came back upon me. For where could my heart flee from my heart? Where could I escape from myself?”

Two of my all time favorite quotes came from the same source. 
St Augustine. 
I found both quotes in the same book,  How The Irish Saved Civilization a very, very long time ago. Both quotes have stuck with me over the years. The lyricism, the sentiment, the sheer emotions expressed have always struck a chord with me. I know that he was taking about his own experiences and how he came to god and all that but for me... for me it was someone else expressing what I've always felt inside. Probably what all of humanity feels on occasion. Pursuing pleasures, mindless entertainments, anything to dull that aching feeling inside. That yearning void. Logically we know that all of these empty pleasures won't fix anything, it won't fulfill any needs, it won't fill the void inside, all it does is distract us from our own emptiness. And sometimes the distractions are what saves us, for the moment at least. Other times the distractions keep us from really examining the problem, getting to the root of the issue and dealing with the shit that is holding us back. 
Dealing with our issues is never fun, it's not glamorous, it's dirty and stressful and it hurts like fucking hell. Figuring out how to make yourself happy without relying on substances, other people and petty distractions. Just learning to be yourself, to be gentle with yourself, to forgive yourself, to just be. I don't really know what I'm trying to get at here. 

I guess my point is, we all have hurts, we all have pain and the ONLY person who can make us feel any better or even attempt to fix us, is ourselves. No one else can do this for you. 
Be your own savior. 

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Just Stop It

Stereotypes exist for a reason. Please, do us all a favor and don't be that girl. Don't be that boy. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, it might already be too late for you.

Just Stop It.

Sunday, March 18, 2012


I haven't felt like writing lately. Or rather I have started writing several things and have quickly lost interest in them. I haven't felt like reading much lately either. Or working on cross stitch. Or doing any of the things that I normally enjoy doing at home.

Strangely enough though, I'm not depressed. I'm actually pretty damned happy. I mean come on, new job that I love already, nice place to live, car that works, food to eat, man to love and who loves me. Everything in my life is pretty fucking awesome and yet there is this sense of apathy when it comes to doing certain activities. Maybe I'm bored with things, maybe I'm just feeling a little worn down. Whatever the case may be, I'm sure I'll be back to my version of normal soon.

Stay tuned.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

ism's XIX

Taking the high road means not rising to the occasion, not attempting to revenge yourself on those who have hurt you, it means letting them dig their own graves and letting their past catch up with them in occasionally surprising ways.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

logic versus emotion

I've been thinking about this a LOT lately. Almost obsessing over it even. Been thinking how freaking annoying it is to KNOW one thing down to the core of your being and still have a hard time BELIEVING in the same damned thing. How is it that you can absolutely have no doubt in your mind that fact A is true and yet you still need reassurance or to be told that it is true by an outside source? Is it like this for men too? Are they able to control their emotions and let their logic rule them? Is it a feminine trait to let emotion rule? Seems no matter how hard I try and how much work I do, emotions can and do get the better of me sometimes, even when that little dry voice of logic in my head is telling me that I'm overreacting or being silly. I had a conversation recently that gave me some peace, if for no other reason than knowing that someone I see as being a sane and logical person occasionally has their moments too. At least I know it isn't just me but jeebus this stupid emotion thing is driving me a bit crazy at the moment.

Dr. Soong, can we please turn of that emotion chip now? K THX

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Biggest Loser

Way back in 2007 when I decided that it was high time to lose weight I found all sorts of ways to motivate myself and cheer myself on. One of the things that I felt helped was the show The Biggest Loser. Back then it was a new show, it’d only been on for about a season or two.  I haven’t watched the show in YEARS but tonight while I was at the gym on the treadmill, the latest episode was on and I ended up watching it. What at one time in my life had seemed to be inspirational now leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Watching people beat themselves up for not meeting their weight loss goals instead of being proud of their accomplishments just boggles my mind. Crying over the fact that you lost 11 pounds instead of the “needed” 12 lbs, when in the REAL world losing 11 lbs in a week through diet and exercise alone would definitely be something worth celebrating, these people who I once watched with baited breath every week now make me feel this indefinable sadness.  Where I used to root for the contestants and watch the weigh ins with excitement and anticipation, now I just roll my eyes at the uber dramatic, drawn out scenes on the scales where people chew their nails and wait with baited breath to find out if they are going to be eliminated or not. I realize it’s a glorified game show, I realize that these people are competing with each other for financial gain but I just think it’s sad to marginalize the amount of work that they do and the amazing amount of effort they put into losing that weight every single week. Losing weight is fucking hard.  Celebrate that shit. And stay away from reality TV. It’s total shit. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

External Gratification

Not too long ago the Zen Archer wrote a blog entry about feeling old and how the ego needs to be fed. Actually to quote Herself "I forget sometimes how much the ego needs feeding. Like most people, I forget how beautiful and phenomenal - and beautifully phenomenal, or phenomenally beautiful - I am" and that really got me thinking about things and stuff. We all have those days, days when we feel down in the dumps, feel old, fat, ugly, or whatever your particular demon is. Days when all it takes is one kind word, one compliment, one sincere statement, to make a big difference in how we feel. 

Let me state something right out, it's not that I need that sort of gratification to feel good about myself, to believe in my own self worth or attractiveness. I know I'm awesome and I will tell you that often and loudly, BUT it is awfully nice to have people feed that ego monster inside of me. It's nice to know that when I spend an hour or two getting ready to go out that people notice and when people tell me I look beautiful it makes me feel...vindicated isn't the right word... perhaps appreciated is the word I'm looking for. For some people it's the compliments from strangers that make their day, for others it is compliments from their friends but for me it's compliments from my S.O. or anyone who sees me on a regular basis. Knowing that my nearest and dearest actually take the time to notice that I put extra effort into my appearance or that I said or did something particularly noteworthy, and not only notice but to take the time to stop and tell me that I look pretty or that I smell nice or whatever the case may be. Maybe it is tied to my loathing of being taken for granted? 

Huh, I don't think I ever really thought about the connection between my desire to be recognized by those I spend most of my time with, with my loathing of being taken for granted, my hatred of feeling like a piece of furniture, feeling unappreciated. It's weird to think I'd never connected these two until just this moment but there it is... 

brb got some thinkin' to do

Monday, February 13, 2012


ah the dreaded Valentine's Day. It's always surprised and dismayed me just how angry people get over one little commercial holiday. Of course people get just as upset over Christmas and Columbus Day (but never Arbor Day, I wonder why that is? Maybe it's because Hallmark doesn't have Arbor Day cards)  but people are particularly vehement about their loathing of this one day. Me? Eh, it's never been a big deal to me. I was the little girl with the carefully decorated mailbox at school that always ended up empty at the end of the day, I was the adolescent who sat there while all of her friends received candy and flowers and other meaningless trinkets and  I got nothing. Yet I'm not particularly hateful of VD. I'm indifferent really. As I got older I was still wholly indifferent to the spectacle of flowers and chocolates and last minute, cheap gifts given purely to try and keep their S.O. happy. Keep in mind that from 16 to 19 I worked at a candy shop, VD was our second biggest holiday after Easter and seeing all the fancy hearts that were ridiculously overpriced just made me scratch my head in bemusement.

Or at least that is how I always saw it. When I was about 18 or so I worked with a boy who had a massive crush on me and I remember he gave me a stuffed white tiger and a rose for VD one year, it was a sweet but ultimately misguided gesture as I had zero interest in him as anything other than a coworker. I tried to give the gifts back as I couldn't reciprocate his feelings and I certainly wasn't going to buy him anything but he instisted that I keep them in the spirit he intended.

Life went on, time passed and into my life came Taylor. He felt the same way about VD but again insisted on giving me a gift.
My official License to Bitch and Cupid's headstone courtesy of Taylor, circa 1997
I gave him some silly cards and we actually had the equivalent of a date that night, it was a lot of fun. After he died, I went back to ignoring the day, still not loathing it as so many people around me seemed to. Years passed, boyfriends came and went and still I was ambivalent about VD. O and I celebrated VD to an extent, we exchanged gifts but mostly we used it as an excuse to go to Cafe Berlin... (Although I do still have the awesome Gameboy Advanced that he gave me one year)

Now, here I am, at 33 years of age and I still don't really care about VD. I don't hate it as vehemently as others do and I certainly wouldn't let it ruin my day. I am sure some people will say "well of course you don't hate it, you have a SO" yeah, about that. I haven't always had someone in my life at that time of year, as a matter of fact I've spent far more time alone than coupled.

I've always looked at like this - I don't need a specific day to show my SO that I care about him. I don't need a day to tell him I love him. I tell him that every single day and in so many different ways. I make sure that he knows I appreciate him, don't take him for granted, that I love him. And he does the same. And that is all I need.

Flowers are nice but I prefer thoughtfulness... 

Friday, February 3, 2012

Vignette #4

At KFC, an elderly gentleman who is at least 80+ years old, very frail looking, wearing jeans, tennis shoes, plaid flannel shirt, and suspenders is there with what is maybe his wife. She looks about 60 or 70ish with garishly dyed red hair. Four of the employees come out from behind the counter with a little cake and go to his table and sing him happy birthday. His face lights up. I tear up. I think "how nice of those kids to sing him happy birthday" and then I try not to think about how sad it is that he is celebrating his birthday at KFC with maybe the only person he has in his life...

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Vignette #3

Sitting on the catwalk to the left of the stage at the Bauhaus concert at Mammoth Events Center in 1998, with the people I was closest to at the time. Bela Lugosi’s Dead starts and Peter Murphy walks on to the stage wearing a shroud, he pauses a moment and waves to those of us on the catwalk. Squeeing ensued. At some point during the show each one of the band members pauses a second to give a wave to those of us up on the catwalks on either side of the stage. One of the all time best concert moments ever. 

Monday, January 30, 2012

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

I realize that I fucked up my car by not taking care of it, I realize that people like to ask me how my car is and if I've checked the oil but I'm going to say this one more time. It's not funny anymore. I think I learned my lesson by having to figure out a way to replace the engine and having to pay for all that when I could barely keep my head above water as it is. I've learned my lesson and I will always take better care of it than I used to.

So please, I know you think it's funny but I don't. Just stop it. Thank you.

Friday, January 27, 2012

ism's - XVIII

I'm a work in progress, be patient with me. If I stop making progress you have permission to shoot me with the necessary arrows, hit me with that hammer or do whatever it takes to get my ass moving again. I don't ever want to stop growing or learning, if I do that then I am truly dead.

Vignette #2

Walking into Boulder Street Coffee Roasters I see a guy with long curly hair in a ponytail, sides of his head shaved and he turns towards the door and smiles this big toothy, gorgeous smile. At that moment I determine that I have to meet this boy. He was sitting with a casual acquaintance of mine so I went and sat down and just stared talking to them both. After about 30 minutes of chatting, Joe excused himself and left Taylor and I to our own devices. 30 minutes later I asked Taylor out, heart pounding so bad I thought I was going to throw up. 
30 seconds later I had gotten my first date. 

Thursday, January 26, 2012


I hate the term “making love” maybe it’s because I feel it’s such a milquetoast way of talking about sex. It’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to make love to someone because I absolutely do, it just seems so hippy dippy. I suppose people have to couch things in ways that make it easier for them to talk about but I’m just glad that I’m never going to have any spawn that I have to explain this crap to. 

Vignette #1

Leaving our room at DragonCon and I see Brent Spiner checking into his room at the desk on the Executive Level. I smile, wave and say “hey, how’s it going” He smiles and waves back at me. I maintain my cool until the elevator doors close and then proceed with my fan girl squeeing. “OHMYGAWDTHATWASBRENTSPINER” 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dear Reproductive System - TMI ahead. You've been warned.

I'd really appreciate it if it didn't have to hurt when I ovulate. I already get menstrual cramps so bad they make me feel sick to my stomach and the pain shoots down my legs. It would really be fantastic to not have this damned pain in my side when I'm ovulating. I realize you get cranky because you know that I'm going to deny you, your one true purpose (to reproduce) but could you not take it out on me? 

I swear as soon as I can, I'm getting this shit taken out. Nothing good will ever grow there, I know this for a fact. All it does is cause me unnecessary pain every month. 

I'm over it, this is horseshit.  

*grumble, grumble*

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Lazy Sunday

I haven't done a damned thing today. Well other than watch Big Trouble in Little China and an episode of Stephen Fry's in America (which is definitely an amusing show). I feel like I should be doing more. Like laundry or dishes or working on Tedious project or setting up the posts for the B's but I am so utterly unmotivated to do anything but lay around like a bum and watch movies. I started thinking about the why for this. Why is my motivator bad today? I realized that for at least the last two weekend's I've been really busy, what with company in from out of town, Deathwish, Club, podcasting (more on that when it's ready), thrifting (yay for finding a real fox stole for only 10 bucks!) and more Club. It's been go, go, go for weeks and this is really the first day where I can just relax in the relative peace of it just being me and Mr. S and the kitteh. I needed time to recover my inner serenity, actually I don't even know what that means but I do know that I just needed to relax.

A day of rest.

So now I am going to go watch the Rocketeer with Mr. S and I will get around to doing the posts for the B's and I am sure I will end up working on Tedious Project but for now? Movies and lazing around and pizza.

I can always do laundry tomorrow...

Friday, January 20, 2012

"It burns! It burns us!"

So last night I took a shower and put on the Bath and Body works scented lotion my mom had given me, much as I have several times before. Approximately 3 hours later I woke up in hot, itchy hell. My legs and forearms were a gleaming beet red and covered in a burning, itchy rash.


The first time in days that I finally fall asleep and am sleeping well only to be awoken by the random allergic reaction from hell. An hour and a half and 4 different variations of anti-itch cream later I finally went back to sleep. Probably one of the more annoying ways to wake up and now I can't use the deliciously scented Sandalwood and Rose lotion on anything but my hands.

Stupid body and it's stupid deciding randomly that it doesn't like something.

Thursday, January 19, 2012