"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Thursday, November 3, 2011


You know those days when you are feeling really shitty about yourself? Just generally feel down and repugnant or undesirable? Well for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling really bad. Insecure, unattractive and just generally icky. Oh I try to do myself up, get dressed up, try to make myself look pretty so that I will feel pretty. Trying not to fish for compliments or chase that elusive ass, the ghost of external gratification. Desperately wanting people to tell me that I look good or that they find me attractive but at the same time, feeling deep down that it wasn't true.

So yeah after several weeks of feeling down about myself and my appearance my skin has decided to freak the fuck out and turn me into a walking zit. Awesome. Just what I need right now. I think I am more broken out right now than I have been since I was hitting puberty. WHAT THE FUCK?

Then I thought about it, I have been a miserable bitch, stressed about my appearance and eating like shit. No wonder my skin is freaking out. No wonder I look like hell. So starting now, even though I am still the human pimple I am enforcing operation JUST FUCKING STOP IT.

Because really, since when do I need someone else to tell me I look pretty, that I am desirable, that I am attractive? I know all of these things. And yes, I am broken out right now but I am also human. That shit happens. I can't let myself get so damned down and moody about something as silly as my appearance and people's reactions or lack thereof, to said appearance.

If I start letting other people's opinions of me affecting how I feel about myself then I might as well go back to being that fat girl who came home in tears every day after school. And no. Just no. I'm in my 30's and that is so not who I am anymore.

So yeah.

Going back to being the awesome me that doesn't care about how other people react (or don't react) to me.

Going back to being the person that appreciates genuine compliments but doesn't feel like I need them in order to feel attractive.

Going to being me.

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