"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I'm tired

I'm tired.
Taking a break.
No blogging for now
Might not post a lot on ye old social network sites
no LOLCats or goofy pictures for now
May not always answer my emails
Might not always answer my phone or texts
don't take it personal
it's not you
it's me
I'm just tired
The social instigator battieries are desperately in need of a recharge
I'll fulfill all my obligations, don't you worry
I always do.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

ism's - VIII

you are in your 30's. You know it, we know it. Please stop pretending that you are still 22, and no you cannot pass for 22. You look good but seriously? Stop.

It's okay to be in your 30's. It's actually pretty fucking awesome. So embrace it, enjoy it. And just stop it.


So I've been stuck when it comes to blogging. Feeling like writing but also feeling sort of aimless and unsure what to write about. Today it came to me, I have 27 blog entries in draft form. Why don't I just get off my ass and finish those entries? So yeah. That's what I'm going to do.

Here goes.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Mark one off ye old bucket list.

Thursday night G.Y. took me to see Portishead. And wow. Just wow. I have loved Portishead for years, ever since the first time I heard them on the Tank Girl soundtrack. I'll never forget watching Tank Girl and hearing this song, this voice that reached out and grabbed with me with it's melancholy sound.

embedding is disabled but it's this moment, right here that got me. I went out and got the soundtrack just to find out what song this was (turns out it's a pretty awesome soundtrack) Once I knew the band I went and bought whatever albums they had out. At the time I think it was just Dummy, and I quickly listened it to death *laugh* that's so not real grammar is it?

Anyway the show was at the First Bank Center in Broomfield which I have to say is a pretty nice venue. We kept referring to it as a mini Pepsi Center. (ps the whole corporations running the world thing seems imminent when all these huge venues and stadiums have the corporate names. Maybe the fast food wars they talk about in Demolition Man isn't that far off). The show itself was fantastic. Beth Gibbons' voice is as beautiful as ever and it was an experience to see them live. It was apparently the last show of their North American tour and the first time they'd been to the US in about 13 years.

one of my favorite Portishead songs, it was pretty awesome to see it performed live. Seriously. Wow.

this was the highlight of the evening for me. This video is similar to the version they played here in CO. It felt so raw, so exposed and yet so wonderful.

I'm so glad that G.Y. me, it was a wonderful night and is definitely on my top 1 best concerts ever list. I can never thank him enough.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


You know those days when you are feeling really shitty about yourself? Just generally feel down and repugnant or undesirable? Well for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling really bad. Insecure, unattractive and just generally icky. Oh I try to do myself up, get dressed up, try to make myself look pretty so that I will feel pretty. Trying not to fish for compliments or chase that elusive ass, the ghost of external gratification. Desperately wanting people to tell me that I look good or that they find me attractive but at the same time, feeling deep down that it wasn't true.

So yeah after several weeks of feeling down about myself and my appearance my skin has decided to freak the fuck out and turn me into a walking zit. Awesome. Just what I need right now. I think I am more broken out right now than I have been since I was hitting puberty. WHAT THE FUCK?

Then I thought about it, I have been a miserable bitch, stressed about my appearance and eating like shit. No wonder my skin is freaking out. No wonder I look like hell. So starting now, even though I am still the human pimple I am enforcing operation JUST FUCKING STOP IT.

Because really, since when do I need someone else to tell me I look pretty, that I am desirable, that I am attractive? I know all of these things. And yes, I am broken out right now but I am also human. That shit happens. I can't let myself get so damned down and moody about something as silly as my appearance and people's reactions or lack thereof, to said appearance.

If I start letting other people's opinions of me affecting how I feel about myself then I might as well go back to being that fat girl who came home in tears every day after school. And no. Just no. I'm in my 30's and that is so not who I am anymore.

So yeah.

Going back to being the awesome me that doesn't care about how other people react (or don't react) to me.

Going back to being the person that appreciates genuine compliments but doesn't feel like I need them in order to feel attractive.

Going to being me.