"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Monday, September 19, 2011

Old wounds never heal until you acknowledge them and move on

So Wednesday night I had a complete and total meltdown followed a bit later by an epiphany.

The meltdown was triggered by the fact that it was 9 PM on my birthday and my mother hadn't called me to say happy birthday. It sounds so silly and juvenile when i say it out loud but there it is. The woman who says that I'm all she has, despite the existence of two sisters and a niece and 2 nephews who live less than 10 minutes away for her. The woman who has told me more than once that the only reason she never moved out of CO like she wanted to, was because I didn't want to go too, despite the fact that I was in my 20's at the time and already living on my own. This is the same person who I felt couldn't be bothered or couldn't remember to call her daughter on her birthday. As Mr. S logically pointed out my mom might have figured that she said happy birthday on the 9th when she and Aunt T came up so we could all go to lunch for my birthday. At that point there was no seeing logic for me. I was hurt and sad and since I've already been hyper emotional lately it just set me off in a terrible way. (she did end up sending me a text message that basically said "Happy birthday, have you ordered the engine for your car yet and it's rained a lot down here. Love you Mom")

Later in the evening shortly before I went to bed Mr. S said to me "We will get the car fixed, just let the rest go" and I told him that I was working on it. After I had gone upstairs to go to bed, after yet another crying jag I started to think about what he said and I realized that I hadn't actually been working on letting go of the things that were bothering me. I had been circling all these things and occasionally poking at them or just reminding myself that I was upset about something.

Quelle surprise I was sabotaging myself and making myself miserable. Cause that's new and different!

That's when I started to look at the situation with a far more critical eye. Why had these things been bugging me so much? Why have I been such a freaking miserable bitch? And BAM! Epiphany time. Almost every single thing that has been nagging me and making me feel miserably unhappy is because I hate being ignored. I am afraid of being ignored, of being disregarded and being treated like I don't exist and I really, really hate feeling like I am being taken for granted or that I am just a piece of furniture to someone (or as Mr. S and Uncle Shitty said once or twice "gear with feet"). There was a time in my life that when my mom wanted to punish me or was really upset with me she would ignore me. Basically take away my support system by behaving as if I wasn't there. That feeling right there, being a stranger in my own home, feeling like I have nowhere to go to, no one to talk to and feeling like I don't matter was a potent lesson and one that I had thought I had moved beyond and yet...

Quite honestly I've been feeling ignored a lot lately. In 99% of the cases I know (now that I can look at this more objectively) that I haven't been ignored or at least not intentionally ignored. People get busy with work and school and their own business. People get focused on their own desires, needs and wants and lose sight of others sometimes. It's not that I expect people to think of me first all the time but it is nice to feel like you were at least considered, when it's appropriate. It is nice to feel important to others on occasion.It's good to feel like you matter. And I know which specific instances have bothered me the most. It's not necessary to share them here but it is good to sit and think about each one and realize that the real reason these particular things have been getting under my skin so very much is because each and every one triggers my feelings of being ignored. And in some cases my feelings are valid because I have been ignored. In other cases, not so much.

Once I realized all this and I started to seriously think about and analyze the situation I felt immensely better. I have been actively trying to stop and think about each situation as it arises to figure out why I am upset and if it is actually something that I should be upset about or that really needs to be addressed. It's been helping me and I have managed to maintain a good attitude and mood for the most part.

I will say that I think that it is important for people to take a minute or two once in awhile to remind the people in their lives that they matter to them, that they care, that they think of you. It really doesn't take much to acknowledge the people you care about. From a random text message about something that reminded them of you, a phone call, an email, going to lunch, giving them a hug and/or kiss. All of these things don't require a huge amount of energy from the giver but they can mean the world to the receiver.

Self awareness sure is a lot of damned work. 


  1. Very good post. I'm not sure I've read your blog before but this post hit home as I have had the same feelings about my only sister who always seems too busy for me. Best of luck working through all of this!