"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the cake is a lie

every year my family has always done a family birthday dinner for every member of the family on or very near their birthday. this has been a tradition for as long as I can remember. Probably since before I was born. It was always a special thing where my grandma would make whatever we wanted for our dinner and usually my aunt T would make the birthday cake and we would get together as a family and have dinner and sing Happy Birthday horribly out of tune. When my grandparents died both of my aunts held the tradition up, holding the annual birthday dinners at their houses and trying to accommodate our special requests for the items my grandma always used to make. London broil, my grandma's spaghetti sauce and occasionally chicken marsala.

We aren't a terribly large family. Well we are a big family but most everyone is spread out in my extended family and for the most part we don't see each other as much since my grandparents died. My mom, her two sisters, one brother (who is a truck driver so his attendance has always been sporadic), a brother in law and 3 kids and that is usually it. Occasionally close friends are invited along but usually the core group is my immediate family and my significant other. It has always been the one Sunday every month or two that I drive down to the Springs and actually get to see all of them at one time.

Until now. I missed my Aunt T's birthday in August due to car issues and had to cancel my own birthday dinner until I get my car back. My Aunt T and mom came up to Denver and we went to lunch together with Mr. S this past Sunday for my birthday. It was good to show my mom and my Aunt the house we live in and to go and eat and go to Tattered Cover and Twist and Shout. It was a good day but it just didn't feel right.

But it was... nice. For what it was.

And yet I feel incredibly depressed and distant right now. The fact that I didn't even get my annual chocolate cake made by Aunt T and the crayon covered card from my cousin Alyssa is really upsetting. Although I always liked to remind people incessantly about my birthday they've never really meant much to me other than a reason to celebrate with my family (blood family or the family I choose to surround myself with)

I don't have birthday parties with my friends. I usually will celebrate my birthday at Deathwish since it falls right around my birthday and I will occasionally have a birthday dinner with my friends who don't care to go to Deathwish. I gave up on birthday parties for the most part on my 11th birthday when I attempted to have a slumber party and the only girl who actually bothered to show up spent the entire night crying about how she would rather be at her grandmothers house. I learned to plan my "party" around events that most of my friends were already going to because it was just easier than trying to do something special. I always have a good time. I had a great time this past weekend at Deathwish. I even got a super special surprise guest that was totally unexpected. I got to spend it with people I love very much. And it was fantastic.

And as much fun as that was I still feel... far away, sad and incredibly weary. I know that a lot of that has to do with the ongoing car situation and the many other difficulties that I have had going on lately. I also know that my life is still good. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I keep telling myself that all this difficulty will be over soon and I can move on to a new challenge. I keep reminding myself that a birthday is just another day, that it isn't a big deal and that I'm letting my emotions guide me when I know better than that. I know all this logically and yet emotions are a bitch and stress is a killer.

I'll feel better soon. I always do.

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