"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Thursday, July 14, 2011

down but not out

I haven't been in the mood to write much lately. Or rather I have been in the mood to write but almost everything I have to say isn't exactly happy or remotely good news. I have been working so hard to try and get the money to fix my car only to face one setback after another. I had to go to the doctor yesterday due to some extreme back pain and some other symptoms. $225 dollars later we discover that no, there is nothing wrong with me and that I probably just pulled a muscle. Well better safe than sorry but fuck there goes $225 that I had set aside to fix my car. It has now been almost a full month since my car broke down and it looks like it might as much as another full month before I can get it up and running again. I have been a total emotional wreck. Mr. S has been so wonderful at helping me calm the fuck down and try to maintain perspective but I'm struggling here. It's so hard for me not to feel discouraged about the situation right now. I am doing what I can when I can to get my car fixed but it feels like it's taking forever.

I have been trying really hard to reign in my negativity. Trying not to constantly and incessantly whine and cry and post bullshit facebook posts about how hard my life is right now. Because although it sucks that my car is broken and it sucks that it is going to take me awhile to get it up and running again and it sucks that I went to the doctor and spent a ton of money to find out that nothing is wrong with me, I still have many good things in my life. I have friends who love and support me and find whatever bullshit work they can for me to do so that I can earn rather than borrow money for my car. I have Mr. S who has been extremely supportive and helpful and kind when I needed it the most. I have my mom who has been helpful and actually loaned me money towards my car when I know that she can't really afford to be sending me money. I'm down and discouraged and sad and angry and a huge ole list of crappy emotions but I am also happy and grateful for the things that are truly wonderful in my life.

The real prompt for this post has been the endless slew of negativity and the constant hate parades and pity parties that people I know have been throwing all over Facebook. I understand that people are having a rough time, I get that a lot of my friends seem to be going through a lot of shit now. I have sympathy for their plights, I just choose not to add my incessant whining to the pile. I will continue to post my LOLcats and other random ephemera that I always post.

But I will not whine.
Online at least.

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