"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


so remember a couple of weeks back when my car broke down because I didn't take care of it properly?

well some friends loaned me a vehicle to get back and forth from the odd jobs that I've been trying to pick up here and there to earn money to fix my car, I only drive said vehicle when necessary. I still ride to work everyday with a co-worker and I try to avoid any unnecessary driving in a large part because this isn't my vehicle and they loaned it to me for a specific purpose.

I get home from work on Monday evening and go to take the vehicle to the bank and to the store to get some necessities and to get gas in the vehicle. And the vehicle doesn't start.


So I check what I can check before I call the owner. I don't cry on the phone with him. I don't cry while he is looking at the vehicle. I even manage to hold it together when he states that he thinks the ignition switch is broken and that he hopes that doesn't total the vehicle.


As he is leaving he says to me "Sorry, I tried to loan you a vehicle" I respond with "Sorry I tried not to break another vehicle."


I trudged upstairs and lay down on my bed telling myself that I didn't break their car, I know that I didn't do anything wrong, I know I didn't break it. The tears start then. If I didn't break it, why doesn't it work all of a sudden? After I have had possession of it for a week or two? It must be my fault. Nevermind that the car is old, nevermind that they have had other issues with it. It broke while in my hands. After I already broke one car. And I feel responsible. The vehicle was in my care when it ceased functioning. And I feel bad

Mr. S came upstairs and promptly told me to knock it off, in kinder, gentler language but still told me to knock it off with the crying and the self flagellation. I know that beating myself up won't help a damned thing. I know that there isn't a thing I can do about it.

And then in a surprisingly gentle tone tells me he doesn't want me to touch his gear anymore, you know, just in case.
I know what he is doing.
And I laugh, because really it is kind of funny in a ridiculous sort of way.
And it helps but still


Maybe Mr. S should get that run of T-shirts with this printed on it... It seems to be apt lately.


  1. You haven't broken the most important things:

    Your spirit.
    Your relationships.
    Your resolve to do what must be done in order to get back on the road again.

    It will get better. Cars just suck.

    I'm proud of you.

  2. I'd like to get a preorder in now for a Men's 3X, please....

  3. While you're breaking things, maybe you could join the Tea Party. It'd be nice if they went away. Just a thought ;)