"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Saturday, July 30, 2011

expectations in hope's clothes

I am starting to believe that hope is just expectations out for a masquerade. We all know that expectations lead to disappointment and resentment, right? Well what if those of us who are learning to manage our expectations let ourselves believe that we aren't having expectations but HOPE that it will be whatever it is we want? When it doesn't happen the way we want are we any less resentful or disappointed? Not really. I have had several conversations with several different people about this topic and I am now convinced that hope and expectations are related in some way.

So why do we allow ourselves to feel that glimmer of hope when we logically know that we will be disappointed in the results? Human nature? Being told that it is okay to hope? That indeed you MUST have hope that X or Y will happen (or whatever said hope is about) or there is no point in life.

I call bullshit. I say fuck hope. Belief is one thing. Hope is another.

Do I beleive that things will get better? Absolutely.
Will I just sit around and hope that things will change? not anymore.

I am not going to be hope's bitch anymore.

Go the fuck to sleep

tonight was one of those nights.

I was so tired that I decided to go to bed before midnight. My eyes were drooping while trying to watch a movie with Mr. S. I felt exhausted. Of course 4 hours of sleep and a ton of wine the night before probably played a part in my level of tiredness. I said my goodnight and went upstairs thinking I'd fall right asleep.

Not so much

here I am almost 2 hours later. Awake. Laying in bed. I lay here, eyes open, mind racing and getting irritated. I'm fucking tired and I want to sleep and yet... I have a snuggly warm kitteh next to me and my bed is comfy and yet... I close my eyes and try my old tricks. Counting. Counting actually does work for me but tonight I am so unfocused, unable to concentrate that I keep losing my count. I don't know that I have counted past about 30 without losing my place. The cat senses my irritation because she is being particularly affectionate and cute. But all I want is to sleep. I've given up on the idea of 8 hours of sleep. That doesn't happen to me unless I medicate myself and that's okay. I function perfectly well under 5 hours of sleep. I just hate feeling this freaking tired and not being able to fall asleep.

i just want to go the fuck to sleep now please and thank you. I have shit to do tomorrow.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Step 1

For me at least the first step in getting back on track with my eating habits is writing. Writing down every single thing that I eat and drink. EVERYTHING. It helps me to be more aware of not only what I am eating and drinking but how much I am eating and drinking. By tracking my water intake I know if I am actually getting the 90-100 oz that my doctor recommended for me. By tracking my eating habits I can see just how much random snacking I end up doing.

Writing my food and drinking habits down was my first real goal when I originally started to try and lose weight back in 2008. It made quite the impact to see just what I was eating and to take a good hard look at how much I was eating. When I first started writing it all out I have to admit that I was pretty disgusted with myself. I mean I knew I was eating too much I just don't think I KNEW it, if you know what I mean.

I never, ever make my goals about losing weight. My goals are always about writing things down, eating better, doing more with my time, stuff like that. I am firmly convinced that if I make a goal to lose weight, I am setting myself up for failure. I am also convinced that if I tell myself that I CANNOT have certain things that it will increase my cravings for said things and again I set myself up for failure.

So for the last week I have been writing down everything I eat and drink. The next step for me will be to start portioning everything out and actually measuring what I eat and tracking that.

One step at a time.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


so remember a couple of weeks back when my car broke down because I didn't take care of it properly?

well some friends loaned me a vehicle to get back and forth from the odd jobs that I've been trying to pick up here and there to earn money to fix my car, I only drive said vehicle when necessary. I still ride to work everyday with a co-worker and I try to avoid any unnecessary driving in a large part because this isn't my vehicle and they loaned it to me for a specific purpose.

I get home from work on Monday evening and go to take the vehicle to the bank and to the store to get some necessities and to get gas in the vehicle. And the vehicle doesn't start.


So I check what I can check before I call the owner. I don't cry on the phone with him. I don't cry while he is looking at the vehicle. I even manage to hold it together when he states that he thinks the ignition switch is broken and that he hopes that doesn't total the vehicle.


As he is leaving he says to me "Sorry, I tried to loan you a vehicle" I respond with "Sorry I tried not to break another vehicle."


I trudged upstairs and lay down on my bed telling myself that I didn't break their car, I know that I didn't do anything wrong, I know I didn't break it. The tears start then. If I didn't break it, why doesn't it work all of a sudden? After I have had possession of it for a week or two? It must be my fault. Nevermind that the car is old, nevermind that they have had other issues with it. It broke while in my hands. After I already broke one car. And I feel responsible. The vehicle was in my care when it ceased functioning. And I feel bad

Mr. S came upstairs and promptly told me to knock it off, in kinder, gentler language but still told me to knock it off with the crying and the self flagellation. I know that beating myself up won't help a damned thing. I know that there isn't a thing I can do about it.

And then in a surprisingly gentle tone tells me he doesn't want me to touch his gear anymore, you know, just in case.
I know what he is doing.
And I laugh, because really it is kind of funny in a ridiculous sort of way.
And it helps but still


Maybe Mr. S should get that run of T-shirts with this printed on it... It seems to be apt lately.

Friday, July 15, 2011

FAIL no more

So as you may have gathered I have been under quite a bit of stress lately and damned if my body isn't being to feel the toll of all that stress. I've gained and lost about 10 or 15 lbs. I managed to pull a muscle in my back. I've either been sleeping too much or not enough. I've either eaten too much or not enough. Too much caffiene, too much sugar, too much fat and way too much moodiness. All of these things are tied together. It's a vicious circle that I keep perpetuating and adding to.

I HAVE to get off my ass and back on track. I realized that the last time I felt this spiral happening I got fat. Seriously fat and I am not that person anymore. Nor will I ever be that person again. I know I have written about this before and I did okay for a little bit and then I quickly spiraled back out of control. This time though I am serious. I mean business. Because when I went to the doctor this past week and discovered that I am back over 200 lbs I realized just how much I have slipped. Granted I only gained about 15 lbs but the point is that I swore I wouldn't let myself get up to 200 lbs again. It's time to take myself to task and get my shit together.

I will not be this woman again. I left her behind  in 2008. Just a little reminder to myself.

I have a friend J who wants to start walking after work. We have made plans to do it several times only to have monsoon rains every day that we have planned to walk. That is what they make umbrellas for right? And rain jackets. I am going to borrow a bike from a friend and try to start riding a bike again. I haven't done it in years so I am sure there will be a level of hilarity involved in that. Well for other people, not so much for me. I have gotten better about cooking at home and I still try to make sure I use lower fat options for easily replaceable items. I need to re-teach myself to portion properly and to snack properly. It won't be easy and it probably will cost more for food but I have to do this.

Now if only I could convince Mr. S that healthy food is as important as exercise....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

down but not out

I haven't been in the mood to write much lately. Or rather I have been in the mood to write but almost everything I have to say isn't exactly happy or remotely good news. I have been working so hard to try and get the money to fix my car only to face one setback after another. I had to go to the doctor yesterday due to some extreme back pain and some other symptoms. $225 dollars later we discover that no, there is nothing wrong with me and that I probably just pulled a muscle. Well better safe than sorry but fuck there goes $225 that I had set aside to fix my car. It has now been almost a full month since my car broke down and it looks like it might as much as another full month before I can get it up and running again. I have been a total emotional wreck. Mr. S has been so wonderful at helping me calm the fuck down and try to maintain perspective but I'm struggling here. It's so hard for me not to feel discouraged about the situation right now. I am doing what I can when I can to get my car fixed but it feels like it's taking forever.

I have been trying really hard to reign in my negativity. Trying not to constantly and incessantly whine and cry and post bullshit facebook posts about how hard my life is right now. Because although it sucks that my car is broken and it sucks that it is going to take me awhile to get it up and running again and it sucks that I went to the doctor and spent a ton of money to find out that nothing is wrong with me, I still have many good things in my life. I have friends who love and support me and find whatever bullshit work they can for me to do so that I can earn rather than borrow money for my car. I have Mr. S who has been extremely supportive and helpful and kind when I needed it the most. I have my mom who has been helpful and actually loaned me money towards my car when I know that she can't really afford to be sending me money. I'm down and discouraged and sad and angry and a huge ole list of crappy emotions but I am also happy and grateful for the things that are truly wonderful in my life.

The real prompt for this post has been the endless slew of negativity and the constant hate parades and pity parties that people I know have been throwing all over Facebook. I understand that people are having a rough time, I get that a lot of my friends seem to be going through a lot of shit now. I have sympathy for their plights, I just choose not to add my incessant whining to the pile. I will continue to post my LOLcats and other random ephemera that I always post.

But I will not whine.
Online at least.

Friday, July 8, 2011

update on the car situation

So I have had several people asking me what is going on with my car and the status of the repairs. I admit to getting a little... shitty with people for asking mostly because there isn't much to report as of right now. There is some news though so here you go

Thanks in large part to my fantastic friends and to my mom, I have managed to come up with the money I need to buy the engine. I am just waiting for Uncle Shitty to call the place he found it at and order it up for me. This will probably happen on Monday. Once the engine gets here we will rent a car tow from U-Haul and tow my car from it's current location in Boulder to the safety of Uncle Shitty's house so that work can begin. I will also have to rent a hoist for a day or two as that is the ONE thing he doesn't have in order to fix my car (that we know of that is) and then he can start the REAL work of swapping the engines out and determining what, if anything else needs to be fixed while he is at it. So even though there isn't any tangible evidence of progress I am trying to convince myself that there is progress and it won't be much longer until I can get my car back. Because having to borrow the Hippie Gingers car or occasionally a van from another friend really sucks. I miss my freedom.

Oh and did I mention my license plates are due this month too? Fantastic.