"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Thursday, May 26, 2011

that's my name, don't wear it out

I am a woman of many nicknames

The obvious one PJ (surprisingly that isn't my birth name, although I have had people seriously ask me if it was)

Mr. S has declared that I am Princess Sassy Pants or Princess... well I won't post that one for all to see but feel free to ask me in person about it, I might even tell you.

my facebook friends have recently declared my name to be Pantiless Jezebel Sparrow

The Zen Archer refers to me as the Social Instigator on her blog

Miss Jane usually refers to me as Peej

The manager here at work used to call me Pajama Pants but has long since just shortened it to Pants  

What is your nickname? Or just your favorite of your nicknames? How did you acquire the nickname? 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

It's a rant, with a touch of raving

I've had all these thoughts in my head that I wanted to write about but I have been struggling with organizing my thoughts and figuring out how and what I want to say. Brain dump ahead, just so you know.

*I've seen a lot of "pretty girl" behavior the last couple of weeks. Pushing people out of the way because of jealousy and insecurity. Doing everything short of screaming "PAY ATTENTION TO ME" when they weren't getting the attention they felt like they deserved. I felt like telling these girls (oh yes there has been more than one) "Honey you aren't that pretty" but I realized that I don't need to say or do anything. Their beauty will fade and they will be faced with the harsh reality that their looks were truly the only thing they had going for them because they never took the time to develop anything real. It's sad, pathetic and somewhat pitiable. Somewhat.

*I have never understood lying. It amazes me the level of effort people will go to just to keep the truth from coming out. Even when it is something trivial or asinine. I suppose lying is second nature to some people. I suppose it's like breathing to some people. I however barely have the energy to tie my shoes let alone make up elaborate stories and fictions about my life or your life or whatever the fuck people lie about. I've been sitting back and watching this happen for a long time but I've been especially aware of it these last couple of weeks. Lying takes too much effort. Just be honest people, it's a lot easier.

*I really hate being taken for granted. I am not being taken for granted right now FYI, but there is nothing I hate more than being treated like a piece of furniture or having people just assume I will do certain things without asking. And I really, really hate it when people don't say please or thank you. It is a courtesy thing.

*I am unreasonably grumpy today. Some people would blame it on the weather since it has been raining quite a bit over the last couple of weeks. I don't know, maybe that's part of it but it doesn't explain this raw nerve feeling. Like you brush me and I will fucking kill you. *shrug* I don't  know but I hope it goes away soon because it really annoys the hell out of me to be this short tempered.

I'm gonna watch Red Dwarf until I fall asleep.

It is kind of sad really

I've been hearing conversations around that make me feel almost sorry for some of the people in the periphery of my life. Co-workers, acquaintances, people on facebook. Talking about the petty things that they do to other people in their lives just to feel a moment of what they perceive as happiness. Usually the things they talk about aren't nice and I am sure they don't make anyone happy, all they really do is make the other person feel as shitty as they do.

No shit, today I heard someone talking about how they were going to lock their husband out of the house just because she was having a shitty day and was irritated at him. She said that she was going to make sure he couldn't get into the house just because. THERE ISN'T EVEN A GOOD FUCKING REASON FOR IT. She and her friend were laughing about how hilarious it is to do stuff like that or to throw something that their husband is looking for out in the trash. Just because. WHAT.THE.FUCK. They play "pranks" on people like soaking down their office chairs at work to the point that when the person sits down on it they get soaking wet and have to sit in wet jeans all day. Or put salt in their coffee. Or they do any other myriad of things that I would consider to be really shitty things to do to someone. I just don't understand it. I really don't. I've bitched about it before but I cannot fathom why you would do these things to someone.

Thing is, I know how miserably unhappy these people are. I hear them talk about it every single day. I know that they think by doing these small, petty things that they will feel a little bit better about themselves or their day or whatever. But I will never understand it. And I am not sure I have any real sympathy for them.

Nope, I don't. Get over it and grow the fuck up. The shit you do is not funny . And it certainly won't help you out of your mundane, sad existence.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

That Girl

You know that girl? The totally wasted one who is slurring her words and keeps repeating herself over and over again? The one who keeps getting louder and louder and who thinks her jokes are funny? How about the one who doesn't really remember the things she said to you?

Yeah I was totally THAT girl on Friday. And although I had a lot of fun (even with the holes in my memory) I realized that I hate that girl. I hate when I become that girl. All it takes is that one last drink to push me over the edge from pleasantly drunk to OH MY FUCKING GOD wasted.

I am not beating myself up for it, there is no point in it but it does annoy me that I let myself get to that point because I seriously hate being that girl. Nothing to do now but move on and hope that I didn't say anything to upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. Oh and? Say no to that last drink next time.

It is okay to say no.

Friday, May 20, 2011

They're coming to get you suburbia

Last week the weirdo's in black invaded downtown Denver and showed them that not only are we polite but we spend REALLY good money on booze because we love the drinking. Several of the staff expressed how awesome the crowd was and their surprise (although they tried to hide it) was plain to see. I suspect they thought that "those weirdo Goth people" would be cheap or rude or maybe they are just so used to dealing with drunk Chad's and SPORTS fans that they think everyone is like that. It is nice to prove that some stereotypes just aren't accurate.

Tonight the weirdo's in black are invading a tiny little bar in Aurora.

Suburbia will never be the same...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Void

I see a lot of single people bemoaning the fact that they are single and how lonely and sad and empty they feel. No one else can fill the void within yourself. You can be sad, lonely and empty even if you are with someone. You are the only responsible for your own happiness, you are the only one who can fill that void. Learning what makes you happy and learning how to be happy being alone are so important in living a full and happy life.

With that said, it takes a LOT of work. Endless work. It took me a long time to learn how to be happy being alone. I still have to work on it sometimes.

When I fell in love the first time I counted on TheTallTorturedGuy for all my happiness. I truly believed that without him I couldn't be happy at all. All my time was spent counting minutes until I could be with him again. And then he committed suicide. I think when he and I were together we tried to save each other but ultimately he couldn't save himself and a lot of these lessons were brought home to me.
1. You can't save or change anyone.
2. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness
3. No one can fill the "void" inside you
4.The only common denominator in your relationships is you

you HAVE to learn how to take care of yourself. You have to learn how to be happy without anyone else. It's a fact that everyone dies alone. Deal with it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Brigadoon has come and gone never to be seen again

Well okay, not for another 5 years at least.

So my dear friend the Zen Archer held her pent-annual (I don't even know if that's a real word or not) birthday shenanigans this past weekend. Starting Thursday and ending on Sunday when she and several friends left to continue the party in Vegas. Girl knows how to have a birthday. It's now Wednesday and I finally feel recovered from all the socializing and booze.

Anywho, I got to meet some amazing people (hi Marquie and Chad! totally coming to visit regardless of Mr. S and his pesky thinking we will need bail money. PSHAW I say) and I got to spend some time hanging with Miss St Cynical and the Jessica from the land of Chicago. There were many others that I met whose names escape me. It was a phenomenal weekend.

And I totally got to wear my dress that Mr. S bought me! FINALLY!

I didn't take any pictures at the party, I was too busy running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make sure everything went smoothly but thankfully the Moon Maiden took a few shots and CJ the Rockstar took photos (that I will hopefully get to see soon) and the ever incredible Adam from Studio Apocalypse worked his usual magic and truly captured the spirit of the night. Once I have access to more pictures I will post some of them but if you would like to check out the photos he got of Mr. S his band Synapse performing you can find them on his website here - http://studioapocalypse.smugmug.com/Events/C/20110514/17076622_WwTMCv#1293523534_pzv7tTN

DJ Ritual and I at the party picture courtesy of the Moon Maiden.

the Jessica from the land of Chicago and I at Deathwish on Friday night, photo courtesy of Studio Apocalypse

Beckasaurus and I at the party picture courtesy of the Moon Maiden
I have to say my makeup held up remarkably well at the party considering it had to be close to 11 PM when Moon Maiden took these photos and I had been at venue since about 6 PM setting up and moving furniture and getting things set up.

I do want to say a huge thank you to all the people who helped with set up and tear down for the party. We couldn't have pulled it off without you!


PS another big thanks to the Zen Archer herself for giving me the lovely framed print of one of my favorite shots of Mr. S and I. I love it. A lot.
photo courtesy of Studio Apocalypse (of course) 

I hold these truths to be self-evident

I read this today and loved it. The idea, the execution, everything. I started to think about the "truths" I've learned and that I strive to live by. I posted my own list after Dr. Albrecht's list.

After 6+ decades on the planet, I decided it would be a good idea to state, succinctly, what I believe I know about life. These 15 principles for living sanely are true for me. 

1. I'm loveable, capable, and worthy - and I don't have to prove it.
2. My self-esteem is independent of external causes or consequences.
3. I think and act from the "place of cause" - I will not be a victim.
4. I'm responsible for the consequences of my choices.
5. There's no success or failure - we get what we program for.
6. Affirming and validating others affirms and validates me.
7. Giving love is the best way to get love.
8. I don't do guilt.
9. I don't do shame.
10. Life isn't a zero-sum game - more than one person can win.
11. I don't have to answer aggression with aggression.
12. I don't need to get revenge - I refocuse my energy and move on.
13. I have the right to learn, make mistakes and change my mind.
14. I keep my opinions on probabtion - open to new ideas and evidence. 
15. I have no need - or right - to impose my "truth" on others

My list

1. Love is not finite. You and can and will love more than one person.
2. You cannot save anyone
3. You cannot change anyone, you have to accept people for who they are. Faults and all.
4. I will never be the slender, delicate girl with the flawless skin. And I'm okay with that. I am what I am.
5. Chasing the ghost of external gratification will only bring you down.
6. Expectations are a bad thing. Let go of them.
7. Always take the high road, that way you can look down on everyone else (last bit courtesy of Miss. Modchen I believe)
8. NEVER take anyone or anything for granted. Ever.
9. Always say please and thank you. Small courtesies often mean the most.
10. Never say you will never do something because that means you will be doing it almost immediately.  Be open to new experiences and ideas.
11. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness. No one can make you happy but they can absolutely enhance your happiness.
12. Revenge is pointless, just sit back and watch people create their own failure and misery.
13. Learn to be happy alone. You will be alone a lot more than you will be with someone.
14. Sex doesn't equal love and love doesn't equal sex. Too many mothers teach their daughters this fallacy. It causes more damage than you'd think.
15. It's never too late to change.
and the most important truth of all

What are some of your "truths"?

Thursday, May 12, 2011


This weekend will be chock full o' them.

Friends coming in from out of town tonight and tomorrow.

People that I don't know coming in from out of town that I am very much looking forward to meeting.

Deathwish at Tracks Friday night

The Brigadoon birthday party on Saturday

And what I can only assume will be laying around doing nothing whatsoever on Sunday with one of the out of towners

I am so excited.

like this but without caffeine pills. Duh that's what coffee is for. Stupid Jessie.

Monday, May 9, 2011

you tell me.

Question for you reader.

What do you do when you are feeling frustrated? Like so frustrated you want to hit something? You feel vaguely as if you've been consistently and constantly banging your head against a wall and you know nothing will ever come of all this annoyance. Seriously, I want to know how handle these feelings. Me? I've got new books on my kindle, a snuggly kitty and my love. And books. Did I mention books? Because there is totally books.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Do what you say and say what you mean

One of my biggest pet peeves in the history of ever is people who say they will do something and then they don't do it. If you aren't going to do something or you even suspect you might not be able to do something, please, please, please DON'T SAY YOU WILL DO IT. Don't wait until after I do something to say "Oh thanks, I was going to do that" but you didn't. And usually when I end up doing something that you said you would take of, it's after patiently waiting for you to come through on your word. It is okay not to do things. It is okay to be lazy or a procrastinator or to just not want to do something.

You can't go home again and that's okay

So I went to the Onyx reunion Friday night and it was a lot of fun. Surreal, strange and occasionally uncomfortable but a lot of fun. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. Some of whom seemed to remember me quite clearly even if I don't remember them ever speaking to me before that night. I even had at least two people who started chatting with me rather fondly and I still don't remember ever meeting them before Friday night. It was great fun though.

The only real negative thing I have to say is about the staff at Benders. They definitely leave something to be desired though. Unfriendly and downright rude according to some of my friends and the drinks were weak and overpriced. Maybe I was spoiled by how awesome the staff used to be at Onyx. I know I am spoiled by the fantastic staff at Milk Bar. Between Doug, Suz, Meg, Franc, Graham, Seth and Hayley it's been a long time since I have actually felt like the entire staff is truly friendly. And then there are the DJ's at Milk bar, Roland and Mike Rich are two of the nicest guys I know. I am truly blessed to have a bar that I really like going to that is staffed by some of the most awesome people ever.

All told I had a fantastic time and I am so glad I went.


Beeto wearing his traditional Onyx gear.

Amy and I

Morgan showing off her new hairs.

Bryner and Beertruck, those boys make me laugh. A lot.


Friday, May 6, 2011

Picture it - Denver 2000

I moved up to Denver from Colorado Springs thanks to my Aunt's husband at the time helping me get a job at Dish Network (because if you live in Denver either you or someone you know has or will work for Dish at some point, it's a fact).

I needed to get out of Colorado Springs, badly. I'd lived my whole life in what I refer to as a big small town. I couldn't go anywhere without running into people I knew. I couldn't go anywhere without being reminded of TheTallTorturedGuy and his death. I was sinking into a well of despair and drinking and I needed new surroundings.

So yeah, I moved up to Englewood with my Aunt T and her husband JT. When I moved up to Denver I didn't know anyone other than my aunt and her friends all of whom were older than me and um... well the text book definition of yuppie. Me? Not a yuppie.

I don't know how it started really or where I heard about it but one night I ended up at Club Onyx on 13th Street. And it felt like home. Cheesy and silly yes, but I felt more comfortable there than I had anywhere else in Denver. No one talked to me at first. I was the new kid after all. The new, not so well dressed kid who didn't appear to know "anyone" (Now the thing about the Goth scene is it can be extremely clique-y. Some Goths are the pretentious, assholes that they are routinely portrayed as. Other Goths are just the weird, shy, nerdy kids who just happen to have awesome clothes and weird hair and makeup. I am sure that other scenes have the same issues, I've just never been in any other scene so I don't really know how it works anywhere else) and yet I didn't feel uncomfortable about it.

I started to go there every weekend. Every single Friday and Saturday night I would go to Onyx. Friday, drink to excess and then spend all day recovering, getting up just in time to get ready to go out Saturday night, drink to excess and then spend all day Sunday recovering in able to make it to work on Monday. And rinse & repeat. Every weekend for something like 4 years. After I'd been going there awhile I finally started to make some friends. Not close friends, most weren't anything but club friends. You know the people you'd see every weekend and say hi to and chat briefly about superficial things and then you both go on your way. And that was fine. There are a couple of people that I met in those days that I am still friends with. Some of which have actually become real friends over the years.

When Onyx closed in 2006 I was really sad. I didn't know of anywhere else to go, or rather I didn't really care to go anywhere else because Onyx always felt like the Cheers of the Goth scene and I always felt comfortable there. It was like home. I actually quit going out for awhile after Onyx closed. I lost touch with a lot of the people I used to hang out with. Eventually I started going to Shelter or the Milk Bar as it's technically called. I love it there but it doesn't have the rose colored taint (heh taint) of Onyx. It was the place where I spent the better part of my 20's and the first place where I well and truly felt accepted.

Tonight the former owner of Onyx decided to have a reunion night at Benders which is the bar that eventually replaced Onyx. I know that it won't BE Onyx. But I also know that a  lot of the people I used to hang out with there are going tonight and I am going with my love and my family of friends. There will be drinks and there will be reminiscing and I've even heard a rumor that there will be cake. But most of all, there will be fun.

I'm stupid excited about it.

It really is that easy

"If you just take 10 minutes out of your goddamn day and clean up after yourself, you won't have to spend as much damn time cleaning your shit up."

That is pretty much verbatim. I heard that from him for 20+ years. When I was younger I was a total slob, clothes all over the floor, bed never made and I LOATHED doing the dishes. Maybe it's because those were my chores and my mom expected me to do them. And we all know teenagers are assholes so of course I never did them.

As I have gotten older I have learned to appreciate a clean house.
A clean kitchen.
A clean bathroom.
A clean bedroom.

It is such a simple thing to keep up with. Because seriously if you just expend 10 minutes a day cleaning up after yourself it makes it so much easier to clean house. I wish that everyone would realize this and just get off their ass and clean up after themselves once in awhile. They might be surprised how much more relaxing their home is when they actually expend a little bit of effort once in awhile. I've been in some peoples homes and thought to myself "how the hell can they live like this?" crap all over the floor, all over the furniture, shoes on tables and shit just piled up everywhere. I don't get it. Now don't go thinking that I am some sort of anal retentive clean freak because jeebus knows that isn't true. Plus I live with 3 other people, in a really big house. If I was a clean freak I am pretty sure all of my spare time would be spent cleaning but it is nice to feel okay with having company come over at any time because you know your house is clean.

So yeah, do yourself and your roommates or lover or mom or whoever a favor. Just take a couple minutes a day and pick up after yourself. DO IT.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

not new news

"A bizarre new trend for painting around the lipline in an effort to make the lip appear larger seems to have taken the beauty industry by storm."

except it is neither new or even really that bizarre. If you are going to write a beauty article or blog, please do your research.

like attracts like

you get back what you put out to others
you attract people that have similar qualities
if you are filled with drama then you attract people who thrive on drama
most drama is self created because some people simply cannot live without it
I hear people stating "I hate drama" or "I don't want X in my life because they are too much drama'
and then those same damned people create a whirlwind of shit around them
some people cannot handle any kind of criticism or honesty
because they know deep down exactly what they are
So I say again
you get back what you put out to others

be careful with what you project.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Wanting, part deux

About a month ago I posted about The Wanting and how I was craving a new article of clothing and I had decided to save up the money to get this dress from Pin Up Girl Clothing
Well because Mr. S is occasionally awesome (maybe more than occasionally but I don't want him to get an inflated ego), he totally got me my dress and I got it in time for the Brigadoon Birthday party! I was practically giddy when I got the dress in the mail. I immediately tried it on and it fits great! I cannot wait to wear it in public. Only a week and a half left.

Hopefully my girdle comes in time *laugh*