"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Monday, April 11, 2011

Back in the saddle again.

In the not so distant past I was considerably larger than I am now. Like 100 lbs larger. I was a size 24. I regularly referred to myself as fat. It's amazing how offended other people can get when you refer to yourself as fat but that is how I felt and frankly, I was fat. I wasn't some tiny girl calling herself fat for attention and to get people to say "oh you aren't fat" I hate that shit. No I was calling myself fat because I was fat.
I can even own up to the reason I was fat. I am lazy (still am and probably always will be) and I ate too much. Not only too much but I ate really shit foods. Fast food for 2 to 3 meals a day and I ALWAYS got the largest size order I could get. All I did in my spare time was sit on the couch and watch TV. I rarely even went to the club or socialized with a lot of people (I know that's hard to believe right?) It took a very long time for me to realize just how big I had gotten.
in 2004 outside of my mom's house  

Now, I've never been thin but looking back I know now that I wasn't fat either. As a kid and a teenager I got made fun of A LOT for being fat. Mostly because I was one of the first girls to get boobs, and they were always big. Seriously. I woke up one morning with a C Cup and went "what the fuck? These weren't here last night" and I was 11 years old. I grew up thinking I was fat. And yes I was heavy but I certainly wasn't fat. Not like some kids I see around me these days. You know the ones I am talking about. Anyway the point is when I graduated high school I was a size 16 and I thought I was huge. My mother made my prom dress because everything in the store in a size 16 made me look like the mother of the bride and at 17, who the fuck wants to look like the mother of the bride? And now, when I look at this picture of myself from my high school graduation in 1996 I think, damn I really wasn't fat at all. Despite what everyone told me. .
Lesson One - NEVER listen to what other people tell you about your body size

  It really wasn't until I saw photos from my 10 year high school reunion that it finally occurred to me just how much weight had crept on over the years. It took me seeing this photo to realize that I needed to stop and rethink my relationship with food and myself.

Christmas 2006
I decided to join Weight Watchers. The *FIRST* time I signed up for Weight Watchers I was at 290 lbs and it was in December of 2006. I started going to meetings, I tried to follow the program. Ok that isn't entirely true, I told myself that I was trying and I used the "I can't afford this" as an excuse to stop going to meetings or even making an effort to adhere or try the program. I managed to lose about 15 lbs somewhere between my first sign up date and later in 2006 when I decided to try again.

My second time joining (at 275 lbs) was in April of 2007 and it was when I really decided to make an effort and get my shit together. I started setting very specific goals for myself. None of which had to do with losing weight. My first goal was to go to a Weight Watchers meeting every week. Once I accomplished that I would move on to the next goal like keeping track of my food intake and so on. Once I actually started applying myself and making goals and sticking to them it was amazing how fast the weight started to come off. I kept going to meetings every single week even when I didn't want to, I started being very aware of everything I ate, I started packaging up foods in single serving portion sizes so I could just grab a pack and head to work. I started reading the labels on every single item before I would buy it and actually decide not to buy something if it was too high in fat or preservatives.
May 2007 
October 2007
January 2008
Halloween 2008
February 2009
October 2010
March 2011
Okay so now that I've posted my little time line I can really see the changes I've gone through in the last couple of years. I honestly think that I look younger now, at 32 than I did in 2004 at 25.

The real reason I am blogging about this right now is that in the last couple of weeks I have felt some weight start to creep back on. Not a lot mind you but enough to remind me that I will not go back down that path. Mr. S has been after me to exercise which, yes I definitely need to do but I also need to get my eating habits back under control.

I've let myself slip a lot when it comes to fast food, always coming up with a good reason to eat there rather than spend some extra time at home preparing something to bring in. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going out once in awhile.  There are certain foods that I can never cook at home as good as they can cook at the restaurant. Chicken Tikka Masala for example, that will always be a reason to go to Star of India. Because you know, I need a reason to eat Indian food...

mmm Indian food *drool*

Wait, where was I? Oh Yeah

The point is I need to get back on track. Now.

SO with that said, I am going to start by going to the store tonight and buying healthy foods for me to eat. I am going to work on getting Mr. S to start eating healthier even if that means that I have to compromise by doing exercise which I LOATHE. (By the way? All that weight I lost was without ANY exercise at all. So I suppose I'd finally get to my goal size if I ever exercised). He has been after me for awhile to start exercising to prolong my damned life because apparently some people would like to be around for a while and stupid, fucking exercise is apparently good for that. Stupid exercise. I really, really hate exercise.

I am posting this as a matter of accountability. I want everyone to see where I was and where I am and to know that I will never allow myself to slip like that again.

Rockin' to and fro
Back in the saddle again
I go my way
Back in the saddle again


  1. Yup. Right there with you, girly.

  2. I came across your blog via the "next blog" link, so I hope you don't find it creepy that I'm following you or commenting on your posts ;)

    I was 301 lbs (I'm 5'6) at my very top weight before I realized.. holy shit.. I'm HUGE. I knew I was fat, but never realized HOW fat. I was one of those fat girls who called themselves fat too; for me, it was because I thought if I "made fun" of myself first I took the power away from everyone else.


    I started having some gal bladder issues (major ones) due to all the shitty food I'd eaten over the years and when I got sick - I mean sick, sick.. vomiting blood kind of sick - I took a cleanse as a last ditch effort to get well before having to have my gal bladder removed. When I passed all the stones and got better I realized I'd lost 25 lbs from simply not being able to eat for two weeks while I was sick, and I took it from there. I got myself down from a tight-fitting 26 to a size 22 in a matter of months.

    I was a size 18 in high school and thought I was obese.. now I'm two sizes away from being there again and I'm elated. It's a struggle for me because I fall in to the lazy/undisciplined category and I LOVE FOOD. I had some motivation last year to keep the weight loss going, as I was preparing to walk down the isle, but life shat on me and I called it off. Since then (Oct '10) I lost 15 lbs from stress, getting down to 241, then gained 10 back bringing me back up to 251 (as of this morning).

    I was thinking about my weight all day today because I've been feeling awful and decided to get serious about everything again. I stopped at Smiths on the way home and got a bunch of cucumbers, carrots, and tomatoes to munch on for lunch for the rest of the week.

    I rarely remember to check my reader and today I signed in and saw your post. It just struck me as strange. After all this rambling I guess I just want to say 'Good Luck' and I hope you give an update on your progress once in a while.

  3. Thanks for the comment! It's nice to know that someone I don't actually know reads my blathering sometimes! I will try to update once in awhile because it is important to me to be accountable for what I am doing in my life and by making information public you kind of have to be accountable!

    One thing I say though, never beat yourself up for what you haven't been doing or keeping up on. that is one thing WW definitely taught me. So I ate like shit before, all I have to do is start eating better now. If I deny myself anything than I am setting myself up to fail. Trick is MODERATION. I also try really hard not to think in terms of weight as much as size and how things fit me. I currently (as of this morning) am at 200 lbs to which most of my friends would express shock because of the way I carry it. But I feel it in the way that clothes fit me. And that is what I want to change.

    PS Congrats on your own weight loss! That's fantastic.