"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Friday, March 11, 2011

Sabotage! And not the fun Beastie Boys running around in bad moustaches kind

I have been incredibly bitchy, depressed, edgy and all around irritating for about the last two months. I couldn't do anything but see the bad in everything around me. My mind circled around and around, focusing on every little negative thought I could find. Digging out past hurts and anger and irritations and picking at them like a scab. 
Pick
Pick
Pick
Suddenly a thought occurred to me. Was I manufacturing things to be upset about because right now my life is going pretty fucking good and I couldn't handle the thought of it? Was I freaking out about the fact that I am well and truly happy?
Because honestly, my life is fucking awesome. Seriously. Of course there are things that could be a little better. Sure I wish I had more money. Sure my car occasionally makes this weird squealy noise that I have to remember to call Uncle Shitty about. Sure it'd be nice to have clear skin, better clothes, new shoes. But all of those things, all of those issues aren't really that big of a deal. So why was I being such a miserable bitch?
SABOTAGE.
My brain didn't want to just let go and be happy and enjoy what I have in my life. It wanted to find things that would make me unhappy so I couldn't just relax and have a good time.
Maybe that's how my brain works
Maybe it is one of those stupid things that girls seem to do
Whatever it is, once I realized what I was doing and commenced Operation Knock It The Fuck Off, I realized "damn I feel so much better"
So here I am, feeling pretty good about things.
Well maybe a little bit hungry but other than that I'm fucking awesome.


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