"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Oops I did it again

Do you ever have one of those moments when you start bitching about something only to realize that you are exacerbating the problem?
Or that you are in turn exhibiting the EXACT behavior that you were bitching about?
time for some tough love

and no one loves me like I do

Monday, March 28, 2011

Please stop it

Quit it
Just knock it off
No seriously
Whining incessantly about wanting someone to fill the void
Complaining that no one tries to see past your fa├žade
Crying about how you are always alone
Going on and on about how you want someone to pay attention to you
Realize this
Maybe the reason no one wants to spend time with you
Maybe the reason no one commits to plans with you
Maybe the reason why people say no to dates with you
Maybe the reason you are alone
Maybe your lack of self confidence is a turn off
Maybe your grasping ways make people not want to be around you 

I don’t want to be a hateful bitch. 
I really don’t. 
I understand being lonely
I understand wanting to have someone near
I understand wanting someone to care
Truth is we are all alone. 
just try to let go a little bit. 
Let things just happen
Fake your self confidence until it's real
Don't try to force yourself on other people
I've been that person and luckily I have learned my lessons (mostly)

Desperation is so terribly unbecoming.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Open your mind Quaid

I've been thinking about change. A LOT. Of how people can change. How lives can change. How opening your mind and heart to different ideas and ways of life can irrevocably change your path. And also about how you have to be open and receptive to change in order for it to actually work. I fully believe that anyone can change if you want it enough.

I talk about it a lot but I have really changed considerably over the last 2 years or so. Like so much so, that I cannot even imagine the person I used to be in relation to the person I am.

There was a list of things that I said I would never do. I was adamant about NEVER doing a whole litany of things. Mostly because I was scared of what it would mean if I liked these things. These things that would challenge my belief systems.

I understand why humanity as a whole is scared of change. It is scary. And sometimes incredibly painful. But with that said I don't think that I could or would go back to who I was.

I've opened so many doors in my mind. I have had so many amazing and new experiences. I have changed the way  I think about things, how I process things,  my beliefs about love, relationships, my long held ideas about sex and it's perceived importance. I have become a much happier person over the last couple of years. I've learned how to let go of a lot of my baggage and just enjoy the ride.

Oh don't get me wrong, I still have my days. I still have my weeks. Circular thinking, self sabotage, self loathing, picking at old wounds. But the difference is that now I recognize what I am doing and actually make an effort to knock it the fuck off.

Because really, an open mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Putting on my big girl pants, well dress or skirt cause it's me

So yeah, I decided (along with quite a few other people apparently) that 2011 would be the year that I would get my financial shit in order. Ms. Jane even started her own blog in regards to her adventures in paying off debt and living on a budget.

I've been working on it for about 2 months now and although there are a couple of things that I've let slide a bit I have actually started making progress on paying stuff down or off completely.

I made payment arrangements with the dreaded Capital One so that by September 19th of this year I will have them completely paid off and gone. 

I made arrangements with the dreaded IRS to do direct debit for my tax debt and I am going to try to send them extra when I can to pay it off sooner.

I made arrangements to get back on track paying my student loans from beauty school. I should be a lot closer to paying those off than I am and I seriously need to pay that shit. It makes me feel even worse to realize that I haven't made much progress in paying off an education that I don't even use. I guess I should have realized that I didn't want to touch strangers for a living long before I finished school... I apparently only like touching strangers for fun and free drinks... Who knew?

I only have one other credit card and that is for Lane Bryant. I don't owe them a ton of money but I have been REALLY bad about paying it so they have packed on the late fees and interest charges. This is being taken care of as we speak. Well sorta, I mean I am figuring out a repayment plan in order to get it paid off and done with by the end of this year.

So yeah, I am trying to be good and not spend money on things I shouldn't. Or to at least limit my spending on useless shit. Or restaurants or booze or anything else that isn't necessary. But it's hard. REALLY HARD. I keep finding all these wants. Shoes, clothes and whatnot. But I'm trying to be good and stick to it.

Sometimes being an adult sucks ass.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Sabotage! And not the fun Beastie Boys running around in bad moustaches kind

I have been incredibly bitchy, depressed, edgy and all around irritating for about the last two months. I couldn't do anything but see the bad in everything around me. My mind circled around and around, focusing on every little negative thought I could find. Digging out past hurts and anger and irritations and picking at them like a scab. 
Suddenly a thought occurred to me. Was I manufacturing things to be upset about because right now my life is going pretty fucking good and I couldn't handle the thought of it? Was I freaking out about the fact that I am well and truly happy?
Because honestly, my life is fucking awesome. Seriously. Of course there are things that could be a little better. Sure I wish I had more money. Sure my car occasionally makes this weird squealy noise that I have to remember to call Uncle Shitty about. Sure it'd be nice to have clear skin, better clothes, new shoes. But all of those things, all of those issues aren't really that big of a deal. So why was I being such a miserable bitch?
My brain didn't want to just let go and be happy and enjoy what I have in my life. It wanted to find things that would make me unhappy so I couldn't just relax and have a good time.
Maybe that's how my brain works
Maybe it is one of those stupid things that girls seem to do
Whatever it is, once I realized what I was doing and commenced Operation Knock It The Fuck Off, I realized "damn I feel so much better"
So here I am, feeling pretty good about things.
Well maybe a little bit hungry but other than that I'm fucking awesome.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

naughty, naughty

Amen to that sister

I usually play bad cop, bad cop.
ah memories were made of this

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

L’esprit de l’escalier (stairway wit)

 is the sense of thinking of a clever comeback when it is too late. The phrase can be used to describe a riposte to an insult, or any witty, clever remark that comes to mind too late to be useful—when one is on the “staircase” leaving the scene. The German word treppenwitz is used to express the same idea. The closest phrase in English to describe this situation is “being wise after the event”. The phenomenon is usually accompanied by a feeling of regret at having not thought of the riposte when it was most needed or suitable.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

A voice from the outer worlds

One of my favorite bands in the history of ever is Deine Lakaien. I first learned about them from hearing Where You Are on Sanctuary Radio. I instantly fell in love with the singer Alexander Veljanov's voice. I love the theatricality of their performances. I love the feel of their music. I don't even know how to put into words all the things I love about them. Not to mention the fact that Veljanov has some of the most awesomely epic hair ever.
seriously epic hair

They definitely aren't for everyone. They basically got started with Veljanov responding to ad in the paper from Ernst Horm looking for singers who wanted a chance to experiment musically. And experiment they did! Some of the music they have out is definitely an acquired taste and some of it is highly accessible. Here are few of my favorite pieces.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Expectations are tricky bastards

I was having a discussion with a friend about expectations and how sometimes they sneak up on you.

You get upset or mad at someone because they don't do what you WANT them to do even though you have never communicated to them what you want or need them to do, you just expect them to want the same thing you do.

I realized that sometimes you don't know that you have these expectations until they are disappointed. And we all know what expectations lead to don't we kids? Disappointment and resentment and anger.

So I had to think of what to do when these expectations pop up unexpectedly. How do I handle them? How do I handle the surge of disappointment when I realize that I had EXPECTED someone to want the same thing I did?

I let go of it. LET GO. Yeah, yeah a lot easier said than done but I have to try because if I don't? These things will drive me fucking insane and I will constantly be filled with anger and disappointment in those around me.

With that said, I absolutely think it is important to communicate to others I have a need or a desire that is reasonable. Like "I would really like to spend X night with you, just the two of us" but ultimately it is up to that person to determine whether or not they are able or capable of meeting my stated desire, need, request.

Communication is key. And learning the difference between a need and a want is key. And learning how to accept that not everyone can or will give you what you request from them. And learning what a reasonable desire is key. And realizing that ultimately you are the only one responsible for your own happiness in life.

To quote from Ms. Diva "another can never please you to the level you expect."

lessons learned and constantly worked on. It never ends does it?