"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Friday, February 25, 2011


So I had my 4(!) year review here at work last week. I knew I wasn’t going to get a raise so that thought didn’t even enter my mind. I haven’t had a raise in 2 years. Business is way too slow for it and the fact that I got written up one month prior to my review would have ruled that out anyway.  All I really wanted out of my review was to hear that I have improved since my write up because I have really been trying. I’ve been a lot nicer to people, I’ve been making sure everything gets done in a timely and accurate manner. I’ve been trying to get back to the work behavior and ethics that I have always prided myself on and had been letting slip.

So yeah, had my review and the first thing my boss said was that there has been a marked improvement in all the areas we discussed since my write up. Yay me! Good cause I’ve been trying HARD to get back on track.

But I have a confession

Even though I’ve been doing really well and working hard to improve, I still get scared that I will end up with another write up. I have not done a thing to deserve one but. ..

I have a secret to tell you

That was the one and only write up I have ever received in the 16+ years that I have been working and it nags at me. Not because I let them down.

Because I let myself down. 


apparently I am full of fail because I just received another write up, for having a negative attitude. I've been trying so hard and I honestly thought I'd improved but apparently not enough. Last chance for Sparrow here. FUCK.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I don't know what started it today, but somewhere along the way I became enthralled with listening to one certain band. It happens that way sometimes. You just get in a mood and there is that one artist that fulfills your needs for the moment. Today was different. I have listened to Endanger before but it never quite clicked until I heard this song and it just... fit.

with lyrics like the following

I have no doubt that you are the right one
I have no doubt we can survive
so just go on make your decisions
I am sure you’re doing fine
I count on you...

and when there’s a time
when everything seems to fall apart
it won’t bring us down
‘cause we can rely
on each other
that’s something I know by now

it just struck a chord with me. And Rouven Walterowicz's voice is very much up my alley so to speak. I have a particular fondness for male singing voices especially when they are deep and slightly sorrowful.

 And then tonight they posted this video


also love these songs...

Knowing Is Half The Battle, The Other Half is Remembering

Looking through some of my older journal entries and I found these... mantras that I had written out and that I occasionally forget. Always good to remind yourself...

my baggage is my own and I will no longer ask for help sorting, packing or carrying it. It's mine and doesn't belong to anyone else but the real lesson for me is to know when to put it down. Because I don't need to carry it anymore.

The truth can be painful whether it is aimed at you or not.  You listen to others and if you listen carefully you take what you need into yourself and put it into practice without judgment or resentment towards those who try to teach you. 

just “let go” which yeah sounds common sense and easy but you don’t realize how much happens when you do just let go. And usually? It's good stuff that happens.

cut the drama out of my life because all it does is make me tired and miserable

if you didn’t love me you wouldn’t bother. If I didn't love you I wouldn't bother.

I am making the choice to let these things bother me

I am lucky enough right now to have several people in my life that I know genuinely care about me and for me and that I care about very deeply as well and I need to just chill out and enjoy that and stop over analyzing everything.

ITS NOT ABOUT ME, most of the time

I am the only one responsible for my own happiness and no one else can provide that for me . I know what it is like to be miserable and honestly I still am sometimes but I fight against it. I have spent too many years hating life and being mopey and sad and melancholy. I wasted years of my life focused on all the negative things and missing out on the good things.And to that I say, FUCK THAT. I want to be happy and I will be happy. DAMMIT.
 And I say again with emphasis. LIFE IS GOOD.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Land Of Might Have Been - Ivor Novello

Somewhere there's another land
different from this world below,
far more mercifully planned
than the cruel place we know.
Innocence and peace are there--
all is good that is desired.
Faces there are always fair;
love grows never old nor tired.

We shall never find that lovely
land of might-have-been.
I can never be your king nor
you can be my queen.
Days may pass and years may pass
and seas may lie between--
We shall never find that lovely
land of might-have-been.

Sometimes on the rarest nights
comes the vision calm and clear,
gleaming with unearthly lights
on our path of doubt and fear.
Winds from that far land are blown, whispering with secret breath--
hope that plays a tune alone,
love that conquers pain and death.

Shall we ever find that lovely
land of might-have-been?
Will I ever be your king or you
at last my queen?
Days may pass and years may pass
and seas may lie between--
Shall we ever find that lovely
land of might-have-been?

the only video version I could find is from Gosford Park with Jeremy Northam singing. Still lovely. And melancholy.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Mood's a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset.

I've been one hell of a moody bitch lately and it's driving me insane. Unbelievably short tempered.Feeling irate anytime someone would initiate any type of conversation with me. Occasionally weepy. It was like having PMS for a month. Highly annoying both to myself and others. The really dumb part?

Life is good.

No really, it is.
I live in a big, beautiful house
I have a partner in crime that I love
I have roommates that have become like my brother and sister
I have a car
I have a job

I don't and won't beg, borrow or steal to get the things I need or want. I can and will get them for myself.

There are things I WANT but I have what I NEED. 

All my problems are First World problems and for the most part are insignificant. When I get down or angry or annoyed I just need to remind myself of these things.

Life is good.

Monday, February 21, 2011

50 days and counting

I haven't  smoked an entire "real" cigarette since 01/02/11. I've been using the E-Cig that Cass the Turkey gave me for when I go to the club and it has helped immensely. I have cheated a couple of times but usually after that first or second drag I realize how icky cigarettes taste now so I stick with my  e-cig when I feel the desire to smoke. I've noticed that I usually only use the E-Cig at the club or occasionally when I am stressed or bored. I definitely want to get some nicotine free drops so I can indulge the physical habit of smoking when I want without flooding my body with the nicotine. I'm getting there.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Music to be haunted by


Saturday night was... weird

There was a guy there who I swear to god if I didn't know it was impossible, I would have thought it was Taylor. Tall, so tall I could see him over everyone else there, curly hair pulled back into a pony tail, black leather jacket, faint scent of Dragon's Blood incense lingering around him. I tried to avoid him, I turned away when I saw him, I walked into the other room if he was coming anywhere near me. It was all pointless because everywhere I turned that entire night, there he was. Seriously, EVERYWHERE I looked there he was. It was ridiculous.

Maybe if I hadn't felt a bit run down from being sick. Maybe if I hadn't had that last drink. Maybe it wouldn't have bothered me so much. But as it was I felt distinctly uncomfortable. I felt unsettled. I felt haunted.

He's been gone 13 years and every once in awhile it hits me like a smack in the face. I miss him still. I suppose I always will. But it is a lot easier to deal with when I am not being chased by a spectre of him. I suppose if I went and spoke to the guy at the club it would have dispelled the air of discomfort and uneasiness I was feeling. But honestly? The mere thought of approaching him, even now, days later, makes me tremble. Maybe I want to pretend that he has secretly been alive this last decade, living somewhere happily. Delusions, illusions.

Mother I tried please believe me,
I'm doing the best that I can.
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through,
I'm ashamed of the person I am.

Isolation, isolation, isolation.

But if you could just see the beauty,
These things I could never describe,
These pleasures a wayward distraction,
This is my one lucky prize.

teh sickness

funny how illness hits you sometimes.

Friday I felt awful. Truly awful. Came home early from work and canceled my plans to hit Deathwish. If you know me you know that I have only missed one Deathwish night in almost 2 years and that was because I was out of town. I always look forward to those nights but I knew that I wasn't up to going out and if I was truly sick I didn't want to spread it around. So I stayed home and rested. I woke up when Mr. S got home from the club and we stayed up and chatted for a bit before I fell back asleep.

When I woke up Saturday I felt a TON better. Like almost back to normal better. So silly me thought "hey lets go out tonight, at least for a little bit" plus it was the Hippie Ginger's birthday weekend and we wanted to get her out to celebrate. I so should have stayed home. For so many different reasons. But hey I went out and had mostly a good time. Mostly.

But then Sunday hit and holy hell I felt like crap. I slept off and on all day Sunday. Woke up Monday morning knowing that there was no way I could go to work so I called in and stayed in bed all day Monday and Tuesday, resting, drinking OJ and just trying to feel better.

Wednesday rolled around and I made myself get up and head to work. I felt a little bit better and I really wanted to go to work. I promptly got sent home to get some more rest. Apparently I looked like shit.

I got home around 11 on Wednesday and almost immediately fell asleep with the human space heater by my side. When I woke up again at 5:45 PM it was like a switch had gone off. OH MY GOD I FEEL BETTER!

Lesson learned - don't go out if you aren't sure you feel 100% because it's totally not worth it. I am glad that Hippie Ginger had a good time but next time just stay home, at least I wasn't contagious or spreading my cooties everywhere on Saturday night but SERIOUSLY. JUST STAY HOME.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

fuck this noise

I feel like my brain is fucking broken lately and it's starting to drive me nuts.
My thoughts keep going in circles, I've tried writing out all the bullshit that is floating around, I've tried analyzing it. I've tried ignoring it. I've tried to distract myself.
And nothing has worked.
I keep going back to that spot in my brain and poking at it.
With a stick.
over and over and over and over


fuck this is annoying.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Emphasis mine. My grandmother had a poster of this poem. I saw it almost every weekend for  20+ years. I would read it almost every time I would go over there. I don't believe in God but I do believe in trying to be happy and appreciate what is around you. I also think that is a beautiful world if you chose to see it.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Things I See Out And About - Shallowness ahead

1. Girl at Blockbuster - Grey slouch boots, brown ribbed tights, navy blue nylon shorts, black fleece coat and unwashed, un-brushed hair.

2. Woman at grocery store - Grey sweat pants, black heeled boots, ombre mullet and a red leather trench coat

3. Girl at the Club - white tennis shoes, fishnet tights, corset top, cut off jean shorts, black hooded sweatshirt and greasy hair.

4. Woman at the mall - yellow sweatsuit (regular sweats not even the "fancy sweats") leopard print fuzzy hat, black heels, real fur coat and lots of gold necklaces.

I am not the most fashionable person in the world, but I try. Please friends if I am ever guilty of any of these offenses please shoot me in the head.

No really.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


The worst traps we fall into are the ones we self create. The circular thinking, the trapping ourselves in a box. The falling into old patterns.

I caught myself doing that the last couple of days. Falling into old thinking patterns, ignoring all the things that I have learned. Blowing off the person I have been striving to be. And the worst part is that I started to drag other people into my negative spiral.

NO. Not again. That is who I used to be. Making myself miserable, not ever thinking about how to fix whatever it was that was bothering me or even taking the time to figure out if my misery was all self created drama. If I was digging my own hole or if there was actually something wrong. Dragging other people or trying to drag other people into my misery so I could feel like I wasn't alone.

That was the old me.

I'm apologizing to you

and I am apologizing to me

Feel free to tell me JUST STOP IT next time you catch me doing that. Or maybe giving me a good ole smack upside the head. Seriously. If it's this annoying for me I cannot imagine how irritating it is for the people around me.