"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Can't get no...

Satisfaction that is.

I was thinking this morning about how I keep wanting satisfaction out of my job. I don't even really know what specifically will give me satisfaction but I WANT IT. Then I started thinking about when people started expecting to get something akin to satisfaction out of their work.

It seems to me that that is a recent development. I could be wrong but it seems that for years work was seen as something you have to do to survive and that it is unreasonable to expect anything out of your job other than a means to earn money and to survive. I wonder if this is something unique to my generation, Generation X or Y or the Millennials or whatever the hell generation I belong in.

I certainly never heard my mother and I most definitely never heard either one of my grandparents say anything about a job being satisfying. It had to be done. Period. But it also seemed that is how their whole life worked. You did things because they had to be done or were supposed to be done. Marriage, children, buying a house and a car, working 9 to 5 for The Man whoever that man may be. Every day, they went through the motions because that's what they were supposed to do.

I want more. I want to do something that even if I don't love it, I don't loathe it. I want to feel like I actually did something during the day that a trained monkey couldn't do faster and cheaper. I don't care if I have unrealsitic goals about work, I have a lot of friends who have jobs that they love, that allow them a lot of freedom, that make them more happy than not. I have done so much in ensuring that my personal life is happy and fulfilling, now is the time to focus that energy on my professional life.


Updating resume, commencing NAOW. 

Tis the season for greediness

In the days after the Christmas holiday I saw a lot of people reposting several different articles about these terrible people bitching about what they didn't get for Christmas.
http://jezebel.com/5871249/wahhhh-these-horrible-people-didnt-get-what-they-wanted-for-christmas
http://gizmodo.com/5871111/wahhhh-these-horrible-people-didnt-get-what-they-wanted-for-christmas
 Just two examples of the articles that were posted and reposted liberally over the last couple of days. If you do a google search for horrible people didn't get what they wanted for Christmas you come up with over 300,000 results.

Okay, it's true these people suck and are entitled assholes but here is what is bugging me. What about all the people talking about the things they DID get for Christmas? How is that any better than bitching about what you didn't get?

Maybe it's because my family and I didn't really do gifts this year, maybe it's because I couldn't afford to buy anything for any of my loved ones and instead chose to focus on the time I got to spend with my loved ones rather than the money I spent or the money they spent.

It seems just as distasteful to harp on about what you got as it is to complain about what you didn't get. Is it really that important to you? Why does it matter so much what people give you and what you give people?


I just don't get it and I don't think I ever will. 


Friday, December 16, 2011

opera binge

This past Saturday I went to the Denver Pavilions and saw The Met's live in HD performance of Faust. It was fantastic. I developed two new crushes almost instantly, René Pape who plays Méphistophélès and Jonas Kaufmann who played Faust were both wonderful. This here is my favorite song from the opera - 





unfortunately they don't have video of him singing it in the actual production because the combination of his lovely, rich voice and the people dancing manically below him... well it gave me goosebumps. 


It's funny, every time I see an opera I am reminded of just how much I love opera.  It always makes me weepy and emotional. There is just something about the power of the human voice and the orchestra and just everything. I'm not eloquent today. Or ever really but I hope my point gets across at the very least. 


So anyway, I have been on a total opera binge since Saturday. I discovered that The Met Opera site has a 7 day free trial with access to over 300 different performances including classic productions, live in HD productions and audio recordings. 

this is the list of operas that I have listened to this week -
Aida
Armida
Madama Butterfly
Boris Godunov
Carmen
The Barber of Seville
The Magic Flute
Le Nozze Di Figaro
Tosca
Rigoletto
Eugene Onegin
Tristan und Isolde


My free trial ends Sunday. I might have to pay the 14.99 for at least one month because they recently did the entirety of the Ring Cycle and it looks fantastic.

If you need me, I'll be huddled in front of my laptop for 12 hours watching Wagner. BRB.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I like books. And history and I really love books about history.

I love books about history. I am somewhat of an Anglophile and tend to read quite a bit about the United Kingdom. The dynamics between the Brits, the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish, the Cornish, the Manx and all the other people that make up that part of the world has always fascinated me. The fact the Saxons, the Anglo-Saxons, the Celts, the Normans, the Danes and all the other people that have inhabited those islands have all had an effect on the world I currently live in. My language, my traditions, etc are all influenced in one way from my ancestors.

One of my all time favorite history books about the British Isles is called "The Isles" (clever title, isn't it?)

it's a brick of a book, my paperbook copy weighs in with 1,222 pages and I can't recommend this book enough. It covers all of the British islands from Pre-History all the way to Post-Imperial times. It is surprisingly entertaining throughout and I can honestly say that I have read this book at least a dozen times and it never bores me.

The whole point of this blog entry is that I couldn't find this book for quite awhile and when I tried to find a new copy I discovered that new copies of the paperback are about 50 bucks! I think I paid about 25 bucks for my copy back in 2000 when it was published. So I was digging through my trunk awhile back and low and behold! I found my book! YAY! I've started reading it again and I'm reminded at how much I love history and learning about all the interesting things that have happened in the world.

One of these days I'm gonna go where the history comes from.

Friday, December 9, 2011

ism's - X

Take the rose colored glasses off. The past wasn't simpler, easier or better than the present. Each time has it's struggles and glories. If you focus too much on what has happened you will miss what can happen.

7 things...

Ms. Jane posted a blog the other day with a challenge, post 7 things about you that people may not know. I started thinking about it, there isn't a lot about me that people don't know because frankly, I am an International Woman of {no} Mystery. But after some struggle this is what I came up with

1. I have a half brother that I have never met. He was born exactly 7 years and 1 day before me to my mother and her first husband. I grew up hearing about him but he never knew I existed until I was 14 when he contacted my mom and I. I talked to him for about 10 minutes. That is the only contact I've ever had with him. I am not sure if my mom is still in contact with him and frankly I don't really care.

2. I went to beauty school and graduated and even got my cosmetology licence. About halfway through school I knew I didn't want to do hair for a living but I didn't want to quit school so I finished, took the state boards, got my license and then used it just to get salon products at cost. Unfortunately my license lapsed a couple of years back so now it's back to getting my friends to help me get cheap product!

3. I started reading when I was 3 years old and have a serious love of books. Both my mom and Mr. S have occasionally sworn off buying me books because I read them too fast. At one point Mr. S bought me 3 books on a Friday and I had finished two of them before Monday morning. He has since repealed that statement and said that he will buy me a book occasionally but that I have to learn how to pace myself *laugh* There have been days when I have read so much at one time that I literally felt like the words were going to start coming back out of my head.

4. I shoplifted once in my life. Once. I was in 7th grade and I was with an older girl and we promptly got caught. I immediately started crying because I knew I was royally screwed. Sitting up in the office of the King Soopers on Uintah in Colorado Springs listening to my mother tell the manager "you must have the wrong number because my daughter wouldn't steal" was probably one of the most humiliating moments in my life. Never stole again.

5. I didn't leave Colorado until I was 19. My first trip out of state was to go to Vegas with Taylor's parents and his little brother. They basically paid me to babysit Cameron and go watch motorcycle races at UNLV. It was a great time and they took me to Vegas about 5 times after that. His family were always incredibly kind and generous to me and for that I will always be grateful. I need to dig up that picture of all of us at the Star Trek experience where I'm all skinny and holding a phaser....

6. My mom had to make my prom dress for me. Everything that came in a size 18 (in 1996 at least) made me look like the mother of the bride. Pink (of course) and satin and off the shoulder. Very me. And? I didn't have a date so I went with 3 of my good friends and we all had a great time.

7. um shit... I can't think of anything else... How about this, you have any questions about me?

if you'd like to, give me 7 factoids about you that I might not know. I love this shit.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Moments between - Part deux

a hand resting lightly on your hip when you wake up

watching two friends discover each other and discover that they do still deserve love and companionship

kitteh snuggles

having conversations that regularly end with "I know right?"




About me

I suck at writing those about me statements that every social website wants you to write. I can never think of anything that I deem to be clever or funny enough. If I just wrote out the things I like it would go something like this

"My name is PJ and I like books and boys and makeup and boys and Star Wars and boys and dresses and my favorite color is pink"

and I suspect everyone would come to the conclusion that I was a 10 year old girl pretending to be a 33 year old woman...


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

ism's - IX


The world has been ending since it began. Stop worrying about the impending end of the world and start worrying about the beginning of your day. 

A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes


What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Dear fellow Coloradans - It is just snow

I live in Denver, it is Decemeber and there is snow on the ground.

Quelle Surprise right?

What I find funny is just how many people have been going OHMYGODSNOW and are planning on staying in all day and night because there is a couple of inches of snow on the ground. Um really?

 if i stayed in every time it snowed in CO then I would rarely go anywhere in the winter time. yes there is definitely a time to stay home and not go out in inclement weather but it seems to me that lately we here in CO have become spoiled with the incredibly nice weather and lack of snow and now don't know how to react to it when it does actually snow. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with just deciding to stay in the whole day and relax, that is what I did for the last two weekends for the most part and it was freaking awesome.

Anywho, the other day it snowed just a couple of inches and people were freaking out. It took me an hour and a half to make what is normally a 25 minute drive. People driving 5 miles an hour or driving like total assholes. Irritating as hell. it's not that I am unsympathetic to people who get nervous driving in snow and ice. I get nervous too. But seriously. Maybe it's because I am such a cantankerous bitch but I just want to yell at people and tell them to get the fuck over it.

So yeah, I am going to lunch today with friends, then to the store and I am going to Ye Olde Goth Club tonight. And it's going to be fun and it's going to take me longer to get there than normal but that's okay.

It's Colorado, it's winter. Snow happens.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I'm tired

I'm tired.
Taking a break.
No blogging for now
Might not post a lot on ye old social network sites
no LOLCats or goofy pictures for now
May not always answer my emails
Might not always answer my phone or texts
don't take it personal
it's not you
it's me
I'm just tired
The social instigator battieries are desperately in need of a recharge
I'll fulfill all my obligations, don't you worry
I always do.




Wednesday, November 9, 2011

ism's - VIII

you are in your 30's. You know it, we know it. Please stop pretending that you are still 22, and no you cannot pass for 22. You look good but seriously? Stop.

It's okay to be in your 30's. It's actually pretty fucking awesome. So embrace it, enjoy it. And just stop it.

stuck

So I've been stuck when it comes to blogging. Feeling like writing but also feeling sort of aimless and unsure what to write about. Today it came to me, I have 27 blog entries in draft form. Why don't I just get off my ass and finish those entries? So yeah. That's what I'm going to do.

Here goes.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Mark one off ye old bucket list.

Thursday night G.Y. took me to see Portishead. And wow. Just wow. I have loved Portishead for years, ever since the first time I heard them on the Tank Girl soundtrack. I'll never forget watching Tank Girl and hearing this song, this voice that reached out and grabbed with me with it's melancholy sound.

http://youtu.be/tbVUBYYSRPs 
embedding is disabled but it's this moment, right here that got me. I went out and got the soundtrack just to find out what song this was (turns out it's a pretty awesome soundtrack) Once I knew the band I went and bought whatever albums they had out. At the time I think it was just Dummy, and I quickly listened it to death *laugh* that's so not real grammar is it?

Anyway the show was at the First Bank Center in Broomfield which I have to say is a pretty nice venue. We kept referring to it as a mini Pepsi Center. (ps the whole corporations running the world thing seems imminent when all these huge venues and stadiums have the corporate names. Maybe the fast food wars they talk about in Demolition Man isn't that far off). The show itself was fantastic. Beth Gibbons' voice is as beautiful as ever and it was an experience to see them live. It was apparently the last show of their North American tour and the first time they'd been to the US in about 13 years.


one of my favorite Portishead songs, it was pretty awesome to see it performed live. Seriously. Wow.


this was the highlight of the evening for me. This video is similar to the version they played here in CO. It felt so raw, so exposed and yet so wonderful.

I'm so glad that G.Y. me, it was a wonderful night and is definitely on my top 1 best concerts ever list. I can never thank him enough.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

REALLY?

You know those days when you are feeling really shitty about yourself? Just generally feel down and repugnant or undesirable? Well for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling really bad. Insecure, unattractive and just generally icky. Oh I try to do myself up, get dressed up, try to make myself look pretty so that I will feel pretty. Trying not to fish for compliments or chase that elusive ass, the ghost of external gratification. Desperately wanting people to tell me that I look good or that they find me attractive but at the same time, feeling deep down that it wasn't true.

So yeah after several weeks of feeling down about myself and my appearance my skin has decided to freak the fuck out and turn me into a walking zit. Awesome. Just what I need right now. I think I am more broken out right now than I have been since I was hitting puberty. WHAT THE FUCK?

Then I thought about it, I have been a miserable bitch, stressed about my appearance and eating like shit. No wonder my skin is freaking out. No wonder I look like hell. So starting now, even though I am still the human pimple I am enforcing operation JUST FUCKING STOP IT.

Because really, since when do I need someone else to tell me I look pretty, that I am desirable, that I am attractive? I know all of these things. And yes, I am broken out right now but I am also human. That shit happens. I can't let myself get so damned down and moody about something as silly as my appearance and people's reactions or lack thereof, to said appearance.

If I start letting other people's opinions of me affecting how I feel about myself then I might as well go back to being that fat girl who came home in tears every day after school. And no. Just no. I'm in my 30's and that is so not who I am anymore.

So yeah.

Going back to being the awesome me that doesn't care about how other people react (or don't react) to me.

Going back to being the person that appreciates genuine compliments but doesn't feel like I need them in order to feel attractive.


Going to being me.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Babbling, it's what I do.

1. I got my car back finally! And it is legal to drive even! And I've been driving it! (can you tell I am excited about it?) I still have a lot of work to do to pay back all the people who have helped me out in getting my car back but at least feel like I've accomplished something now that I have physical evidence of all the work and time and effort and tears...

2. Mr. S and I only made it to the gym twice last week which isn't quite our goal. We discussed it and decided that we are going to plan on going Mon, Weds, Fri and Sunday of this coming week. Provided band practice doesn't conflict. After all they have a big show coming up on the 28th of this month and that takes priority. Luckily I can go while  he is practicing if they decide to do it after class and if they practice before class then all the better for both of us.

3. A friend of mine bought me a ticket to see Portishead on the 27th of this month. I am incredibly excited about this show. I have loved Portishead ever since I heard this song the first time



I was watching Tank Girl with Lori Petty and a dark haired Naomi Watts when this song came on and I was immediately transfixed. I went to Independent Records and got the soundtrack and then I ended up going on a Portishead binge. I bought everything I could including singles and live discs. The Live at Roseland disc is still one of my favorites. So yeah, you could say I am looking forward to this.

4. Did I mention I can drive my car now?

5. Every month I go to a once monthly club night called Deathwish. Some friends of mine and I were joking about having people dress up as me instead of the vampires and werewolves theme. There ended up being 2 people actually dressed like me and one dressed like the "good" version of me (because we all know I'm the evil one *laugh*) here are a couple of photos from that night. It was a good time and it was definitely entertaining to see one of my friends dressed like me when it is so polar opposite of how they normally look...




6. Other than going to Deathwish I haven't really left the house at all this weekend and it's been glorious. I've slept a lot, done laundry, cleaned up a bit, worked on my cross stitch, watched way too many John Carpenter movies and almost made it through the first season of Dollhouse (jury is still out on that show but damn there are a lot of pretty people on that show) I needed a nice, quiet relaxing weekend with very little human interaction. Seriously, it was exactly what I needed especially with the craziness coming up on Halloween weekend.

7. Speaking of Halloween weekend, it is going to be insane and fun and exhausting. Thursday is Portishead, Friday is Mr. S's show at the Rockaway Tavern, Saturday is cocktails and clubbing with friends. Sunday will be for recuperation so I don't feel like death when I go to work on Monday morning. It's going to be fun and I can't wait. Now what to wear?

8. I GOT MY CAR BACK.

That is all. For now.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

my flavor - according to a Mad Scientist

lipstick, pearls, and insanity. That's your flavor.


I like that. I think I'll add it to my business cards.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

To Life Eternal


So Mr. S and I joined a gym this week. It was all his idea because god knows I abhor exercise. Like with a flaming, firey passion.


And yet, he has this damned notion in his head about me being healthy and living a long time. *grumble* I suspect it's just because I am a good cook and I keep a tidy house. And god knows what would happen if he was left to his own devices *laugh* Also I have written several times about how I would like to lose more weight and I know for a fact that exercise and eating healthier will make this happen. So yeah, I’m committed now. Much as I am loathe to do it.

So last night we went for our complimentary visit with one of their personal trainers. He showed us some exercises that had our hearts pounding and our legs feeling like jelly in a surprisingly short period of time. Unfortunately Mr. S wasn’t hydrated or fed enough to be able to do the entire session as all of a sudden he turned green and had to stop. He was fine once he ate some more food and drank a lot of water so we are going back tomorrow evening to complete our session with the trainer who very kindly offered another session since we couldn’t complete the first one. Can’t say I’m looking forward to it though, I liked the trainer he seems like a nice enough guy but owwie.  

We are planning on going 3 to 4 nights a week, usually after I pick him up from class so we will already be out of the house and there will be less temptation to skip it. It’s going to be a struggle for both of us to go on a regular basis but thankfully we will be going together and help keep each other motivated.

Hey if I have to live a long damned life, then so does he. Dammit. 

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Don't say I told you so

Because I already know.

You keep telling me to let it go

To relax

That things will work out

And I keep fighting it

Keep worrying

And yet

I take a couple deep breaths and let go of the anxiety for a minute

and BAM

I get not 1, but 3 different sources to help me finish my car and get everything taken care of

quit being right. It's annoying *laugh*

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

starting to panic but only a little bit (car update)

So the engine is here finally (YAY!) but I have to admit I am panicking a little bit. Uncle Shitty and I are going arrange the car tow here in a day or two to get the car to his house and then I have to rent the hoist and buy all the other ephemera in order to complete the repairs. We only have a week or two in which to do it because he will be going nuts with work soon.

Here is where the panic comes in.

Money.

It's always about fucking money isn't it?

I am frankly terrified that I have done all this and I still won't have enough money to pay for what I need to pay for and still try to get my bills paid. I am soooo  close to getting my car back after 3+ months and maybe I am just freaking myself out but, but, but...

I just feel like most of my resources are dried up. I don't know where else to go if I need more money especially if I need it fast (like in the next week or two) and I know that if I don't figure it out, it could be a month or more longer before I can get my car back and that REALLY freaks me out.

no, I will take deep breaths.

I will figure it out. .

I always do.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Old wounds never heal until you acknowledge them and move on

So Wednesday night I had a complete and total meltdown followed a bit later by an epiphany.

The meltdown was triggered by the fact that it was 9 PM on my birthday and my mother hadn't called me to say happy birthday. It sounds so silly and juvenile when i say it out loud but there it is. The woman who says that I'm all she has, despite the existence of two sisters and a niece and 2 nephews who live less than 10 minutes away for her. The woman who has told me more than once that the only reason she never moved out of CO like she wanted to, was because I didn't want to go too, despite the fact that I was in my 20's at the time and already living on my own. This is the same person who I felt couldn't be bothered or couldn't remember to call her daughter on her birthday. As Mr. S logically pointed out my mom might have figured that she said happy birthday on the 9th when she and Aunt T came up so we could all go to lunch for my birthday. At that point there was no seeing logic for me. I was hurt and sad and since I've already been hyper emotional lately it just set me off in a terrible way. (she did end up sending me a text message that basically said "Happy birthday, have you ordered the engine for your car yet and it's rained a lot down here. Love you Mom")

Later in the evening shortly before I went to bed Mr. S said to me "We will get the car fixed, just let the rest go" and I told him that I was working on it. After I had gone upstairs to go to bed, after yet another crying jag I started to think about what he said and I realized that I hadn't actually been working on letting go of the things that were bothering me. I had been circling all these things and occasionally poking at them or just reminding myself that I was upset about something.

Quelle surprise I was sabotaging myself and making myself miserable. Cause that's new and different!

That's when I started to look at the situation with a far more critical eye. Why had these things been bugging me so much? Why have I been such a freaking miserable bitch? And BAM! Epiphany time. Almost every single thing that has been nagging me and making me feel miserably unhappy is because I hate being ignored. I am afraid of being ignored, of being disregarded and being treated like I don't exist and I really, really hate feeling like I am being taken for granted or that I am just a piece of furniture to someone (or as Mr. S and Uncle Shitty said once or twice "gear with feet"). There was a time in my life that when my mom wanted to punish me or was really upset with me she would ignore me. Basically take away my support system by behaving as if I wasn't there. That feeling right there, being a stranger in my own home, feeling like I have nowhere to go to, no one to talk to and feeling like I don't matter was a potent lesson and one that I had thought I had moved beyond and yet...

Quite honestly I've been feeling ignored a lot lately. In 99% of the cases I know (now that I can look at this more objectively) that I haven't been ignored or at least not intentionally ignored. People get busy with work and school and their own business. People get focused on their own desires, needs and wants and lose sight of others sometimes. It's not that I expect people to think of me first all the time but it is nice to feel like you were at least considered, when it's appropriate. It is nice to feel important to others on occasion.It's good to feel like you matter. And I know which specific instances have bothered me the most. It's not necessary to share them here but it is good to sit and think about each one and realize that the real reason these particular things have been getting under my skin so very much is because each and every one triggers my feelings of being ignored. And in some cases my feelings are valid because I have been ignored. In other cases, not so much.

Once I realized all this and I started to seriously think about and analyze the situation I felt immensely better. I have been actively trying to stop and think about each situation as it arises to figure out why I am upset and if it is actually something that I should be upset about or that really needs to be addressed. It's been helping me and I have managed to maintain a good attitude and mood for the most part.

I will say that I think that it is important for people to take a minute or two once in awhile to remind the people in their lives that they matter to them, that they care, that they think of you. It really doesn't take much to acknowledge the people you care about. From a random text message about something that reminded them of you, a phone call, an email, going to lunch, giving them a hug and/or kiss. All of these things don't require a huge amount of energy from the giver but they can mean the world to the receiver.

Self awareness sure is a lot of damned work. 

Saturday, September 17, 2011

You Should Date an Illiterate Girl by Charles Warnke

 
Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi, and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale, or the evenings get long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail, frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return, or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent as a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, god damnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. I hate you. I really, really, really hate you.

fate

“Some people meet the way the sky meets the earth, inevitably, and there is no stopping or holding back their love. It exists in a finished world, beyond the reach of common sense.”
- Louise Erdrich

Thursday, September 15, 2011

wanting

So the Zen Archer and I have discussed several times about how desire is suffering and today as I was listening to this song I realized how much it sums everything up in a nice catchy song that I absolutely love. I don't think I ever quite appreciated the lyrics until this morning.



Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

I'm sick of futile lessons
And empty information
My teachers ask me questions
I need some consolation
That's what you get for wanting
That's what you get for wanting

Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

I've spend my whole life yearning
Living and learning
Living and learning
Living and learning
Saving and spending
Spending and earning
Anticipating
Eternity burning

What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

i'm sick of vain compassion
And saying "liberation"
The angels ask me questions
I can't find consolation

That's what you get for wanting
That's what you get for wanting

Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

I've spend my whole life yearning
Living and learning
Living and learning
Living and learning
Saving and spending
Spending and earning
Anticipating
Eternity burning

Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire

Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

Agony is born of desire
What do you want for nothing?
Agony is born is desire
That's what you get for wanting

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Perspective

I've been doing a lot of thinking today about how mopey and irritating and depressed I've been lately. It has gotten to the point when I don't even want to be around me so I don't really know how people like Mr. S have been putting up with me. I took a deep breath this morning and am trying really, really hard to just fucking stop it because this is old. I need to pull myself together and get over this shit before I end up making it so people don't want to be around me anymore.

time to put on my big girl britches.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

the cake is a lie

every year my family has always done a family birthday dinner for every member of the family on or very near their birthday. this has been a tradition for as long as I can remember. Probably since before I was born. It was always a special thing where my grandma would make whatever we wanted for our dinner and usually my aunt T would make the birthday cake and we would get together as a family and have dinner and sing Happy Birthday horribly out of tune. When my grandparents died both of my aunts held the tradition up, holding the annual birthday dinners at their houses and trying to accommodate our special requests for the items my grandma always used to make. London broil, my grandma's spaghetti sauce and occasionally chicken marsala.

We aren't a terribly large family. Well we are a big family but most everyone is spread out in my extended family and for the most part we don't see each other as much since my grandparents died. My mom, her two sisters, one brother (who is a truck driver so his attendance has always been sporadic), a brother in law and 3 kids and that is usually it. Occasionally close friends are invited along but usually the core group is my immediate family and my significant other. It has always been the one Sunday every month or two that I drive down to the Springs and actually get to see all of them at one time.

Until now. I missed my Aunt T's birthday in August due to car issues and had to cancel my own birthday dinner until I get my car back. My Aunt T and mom came up to Denver and we went to lunch together with Mr. S this past Sunday for my birthday. It was good to show my mom and my Aunt the house we live in and to go and eat and go to Tattered Cover and Twist and Shout. It was a good day but it just didn't feel right.

But it was... nice. For what it was.

And yet I feel incredibly depressed and distant right now. The fact that I didn't even get my annual chocolate cake made by Aunt T and the crayon covered card from my cousin Alyssa is really upsetting. Although I always liked to remind people incessantly about my birthday they've never really meant much to me other than a reason to celebrate with my family (blood family or the family I choose to surround myself with)

I don't have birthday parties with my friends. I usually will celebrate my birthday at Deathwish since it falls right around my birthday and I will occasionally have a birthday dinner with my friends who don't care to go to Deathwish. I gave up on birthday parties for the most part on my 11th birthday when I attempted to have a slumber party and the only girl who actually bothered to show up spent the entire night crying about how she would rather be at her grandmothers house. I learned to plan my "party" around events that most of my friends were already going to because it was just easier than trying to do something special. I always have a good time. I had a great time this past weekend at Deathwish. I even got a super special surprise guest that was totally unexpected. I got to spend it with people I love very much. And it was fantastic.

And as much fun as that was I still feel... far away, sad and incredibly weary. I know that a lot of that has to do with the ongoing car situation and the many other difficulties that I have had going on lately. I also know that my life is still good. I have so many wonderful things in my life. I keep telling myself that all this difficulty will be over soon and I can move on to a new challenge. I keep reminding myself that a birthday is just another day, that it isn't a big deal and that I'm letting my emotions guide me when I know better than that. I know all this logically and yet emotions are a bitch and stress is a killer.

I'll feel better soon. I always do.


Monday, September 12, 2011

hanging on, barely

I feel as if I am barely hanging on. Like I am dangling over the edge of a precipice and only a few frayed pieces of rope are holding me up. Or am I just spinning my wheels endlessly like that truck stuck in mud up to the hood? i don't know which description fits better but quite honestly I feel as if I am going to lose my shit here completely.

Life isn't that bad I know. I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I have food, I have clothes and I have friends and family who love me. these things I know and yet...

and yet...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

ism's - VII

no one knows how to hurt you better than those you love the most. It's up to you to control your reactions to their knowing or unknowing jabs.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

ism's - VI

Don't foist yourself upon others, it will only make people resent you

Friday, September 9, 2011

ism's - V

Words are meaningless without the actions behind them. Be true to your word and let your actions define you.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

ism's - IV

Doing something once doesn’t make you experienced

Sunday, September 4, 2011

here comes the bride

I went to a wedding yesterday for two friends of mine and it was lovely. Both bride and groom looked wonderful and you could tell just by watching them interact that they truly and deeply love each other. I am so happy and grateful that I was able to be there for them both to share in their expression of love and happiness.

Weddings tend to make a bit melancholy anymore. It isn't the actual wedding that makes me a little bit sad, it's the inevitable father-daughter and grandfather-granddaughter dances that make me feel a little misty eyed. It makes me miss my dad, grandfather and grandmother a lot. I don't want to get married, it's just not important to me at all. But it's the knowing that my dad won't get to see how happy I am right now. Knowing my grandparent's aren't ever going to see how happy I am right now. I miss going thrift store shopping with my grandma and having her find the most fantastic things in some dusty, dark corner of the stores. I miss going to the Colorado Springs Balloon Classic with my grandpa and getting up at O Dark Thirty to go stand in the field at Memorial Park to watch the balloons take off. I miss going to see silly movies with my dad.

As Mr. S and I were leaving the wedding reception last night I admit it, I was a little teary eyed. I was so happy to see Frog and Mara get married after 7 years of being together. It was wonderful to see them and the way they look at each other and knowing just how much they love each other. But there was a tinge of melancholy because all of a sudden I realized just how much I miss these people that have been gone from my life. I love my family. I love my friends. I just hope that they know that.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

ism's - III

Quit looking at the past with rose colored glasses. It wasn't any better than the present is, distance just makes it seem like it was better. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

ism's - II

Just because you can, doesn't mean you SHOULD. 

Monday, August 29, 2011

ism's - I

You can live without morals, just don't live without standards

Saturday, August 27, 2011

never count your chickens before they hatch

I have a bad habit of talking big about things before they happen. I get excited about upcoming events before I have tickets/rides/money for them.

That's a bad habit. It seems that every single time I talk about something before it happens, the big event doesn't happen.

Does that make sense?

Like when I talked about getting my car fixed back in July and then I didn't actually have enough money. Or when I thought my car might be fixed by my birthday? That probably won't happen either. *le sigh* There are several other things going on that may or may not actually happen but I'm not gonna talk about those things because I haven't posted about them or anything so I can still pretend I haven't planned or hoped that they were going to happen. I can pretend, right?

Shit happens sometimes and things rarely go as planned that is a fact of life but damn it's disappointing nonetheless when you really, really hoped/wanted/planned on something going right for a change and it doesn't.

But I can't let myself get too down about things, it will all eventually work out one way or another. It always does. I just need to stop talking about things BEFORE they happen, that just never seems to work out well and then I end up having to explain why things didn't happen the way I said they were going to and I hate that. So enough of that. No news reporting until it's already happened.

Disappointment is the spice of life. Or something like that.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Adulthood

A couple of days ago the Zen Archer posted a blog about adulthood and it prompted me to finally finish an entry that I began months ago about responsibility and adulthood and what these things mean to me.  I've been thinking about it a lot thanks to the actions (or lack thereof) and behaviors that I see everyday and this includes my own behavior. 


My views on responsibility and adulthood, and what they mean to me were formed fairly early. I was raised as an only child from a single parent home. I was also the only child in my entire family until I was 14 years old. The closest person in age to me was 7 years older than me and I didn't really spend much time with him until I was in 5th grade and he was in high school. I was always treated more as an adult than a child growing up. I was also a latchkey kid from the age of about 9 or 10. My mom worked full time and then some, in order to support us and provide me with everything I needed. When my mom was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia when I was 12 or 13 years old, all of a sudden my role changed to being more of a parent than a kid. I had to do more around the house to help my mom because she wasn't able to be as active as she used to be. I started working right after I turned 16 and began paying rent, buying my own clothes, making sure all my laundry was done and basically taking on the role of an adult. I sometimes think that I didn't have much of a childhood or at the very least I was never as childish as those around me. I'm okay with that now because I realize that all these experiences have made me the person I am today and we all know how awesome I am, so it's not all bad. *laugh*


So yeah, now that I am 32 years old I have very specific ideas of what makes someone a responsible adult, I have a little list...


To me, being an adult means -


doing the things that you have to do or that you agreed to do, even if you don't feel up to doing them. There was a day not so long ago that I didn't get more than about 3 hours of sleep after a crazy night and I had plans to meet some friends to discuss a project they wanted me to work on. I am sure that they would have let me re-schedule for later in the day but frankly it never once occurred to me to even ask. I agreed to be there at a specific time and place and to not do so just because I was tired and hungover wouldn't have been acceptable to me.


taking care of things when you said you would take care of them, not a week later or after being reminded to do it 20 times. I understand that people forget stuff sometimes, god knows I do it all the time but if you say that you will do something that means that you are making an agreement with the other person and you should adhere to it in a timely fashion. I try very hard to do something as soon as possible when I agree to do it. For example if I tell Mr. S that I am going to do laundry on X date. I do the laundry and put it away on X date or at the latest, the day after. Shit happens to everyone and sometimes you don't always get it done right away but I just think that you should do your best to take care of things when you say you will. If you cannot or will not do it when you say you will, either don't agree to it or be upfront with whomever you made the agreement with so they aren't disappointed when you don't do it. By not acknowledging things, all you are going to do is build resentment.


The next three are just general things that I think way too many people forget about and quite honestly I wonder if all these babies who are having babies have any idea about how to teach their spawn that these are all essential qualities. 


treating other people with courtesy and respect - simple really. 


being punctual or at the very least communicating with people when you are going to be late - 





respecting other peoples time and energy and space - remember if someone invites you to their home, it's just common sense to clean up after yourself. Don't leave a huge mess for them to clean up later. 


Basically what I'm saying here is that being responsible and behaving like an adult sucks a lot of the time. Doing what you said you'd do even when you don't want to do it. Having to cancel plans because you either don't have the funds or because your funds need to go elsewhere. Not travelling anywhere because you don't have the money. Just saying no because you know that if you say yes and do X there will be long lasting consequences. Realizing that there are consequences to all your actions. Treating others with respect and courtesy even if you don't like them or are grumpy. It's not easy. It can be incredibly difficult to be nice or even civil to people you don't like. God knows that I suck really bad about that, but I've been trying. Because I am not a child anymore and I no longer want to behave like a child. Do I still get angry and petulant and pouty? Absolutely. But I've been trying to limit the field of damage when it comes to that and I'm doing the best I can. Again, part of being an adult is actually trying to do your best instead of saying you will do your best. 


I dunno, I feel like I rambled and babbled a lot even by my standards and I can't quite tell if I managed to get my point across without sounding like some harsh, grumpy old whiner. So I will ask you, what does being an adult mean to you?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Long overdue update on the car situation, for those who are wondering.

So the last update was on 07/08/11 and let me tell you things went downhill for a while after that post.

I had managed to pull together the money that we had estimated would be enough based on some research Uncle Shitty had done on places that have affordable replacement engines. I knew how much the car tow and the hoist were going to cost and I factored all that into the total I was striving for. Well, in the time it took me to come up with that money, all the places he had seen those great prices at didn't have anything for those great prices anymore. Everything was at least $300 more than I had managed to raise/scrounge/borrow.

FUCK.

Back to the drawing board. After I was done crying that is. I was so incredibly discouraged, I cried off and on for 2 days wondering how on earth I was ever going to manage to come with more money. I couldn't scrape anything else out of my bills, I didn't know what to do. There was about a week period when I honestly felt like just giving the fuck up. I mean seriously, what the hell was I going to do?

And again, my friends and family came to the rescue. They offered me more work to do and in one case hired me for 6 months worth of housecleaning and paid me in advance so that I could have the money in my savings account for the purchase of a new engine. My Aunt loaned me some money and my mom even managed to scrounge up some more money to loan me. Some very, very dear friends of mine have loaned me a vehicle that I can use to get to jobs and whatnot. I don't think I can ever express how truly grateful I am for that. Without the ability to get around on my own I'd have totally lost it by now. And having to constantly ask someone to use their car makes me feel just as shitty. My co-worker drives me to and from work every day so at least I have the temporary transportation situation taken care of.

Every time I have received an offer of work I have accepted (even when all I really want to do is stay home and mope or be hungover or whatever the case may be) so that I can get my car fixed as soon as possible. So between working my ass off, trying desperately to save everything that doesn't absolutely have to go to bills or food and the love and support of my family and friends I now have what I hope will be enough in the bank to get this taken care of. I am still accepting offers for work though. I will have loans to pay off even if what is in the bank is enough to take care of the situation. And I HATE borrowing money. I just didn't know what else to do. I am hoping it will be enough.

Hopefully I will have some good news this week.

I really, really miss my car.


Friday, August 19, 2011

I do not think that word means what you think it means...

Several times over the last couple of months I have seen the following words thrown all over ye old interwebz and I am beginning to suspect that the people who are using these words don't really understand what they mean. So here is a handy dandy explanation guide

 

u·ni·ty

Show Spelled[yoo-ni-tee]
noun, plural -ties.
1.the state of being one; oneness.
2.a whole or totality as combining all its parts into one.
3.the state or fact of being united or combined into one, as of the parts of a whole; unification.
4.absence of diversity; unvaried or uniform character.
5.oneness of mind, feeling, etc., as among a number of persons; concord, harmony, or agreement.
–verb (used with object)
1.to bear or hold up (a load, mass, structure, part, etc.); serve as a foundation for.
2.to sustain or withstand (weight, pressure, strain, etc.) without giving way; serve as a prop for.
3.to undergo or endure, especially with patience or submission; tolerate.
4.to sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction: They supported him throughouthis ordeal.
5.to maintain (a person, family, establishment, institution, etc.) by supplying with things necessary to existence; provide for: to support a family.

friend·ship

[frend-ship] 
noun
1.the state of being a friend;  association as friends: to value a person's friendship.
2.a friendly relation or intimacy.
3.friendly feeling or disposition.
further clarification for those who are still confused

friend

[frend]  
noun
1.a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3.a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4.a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5.(initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.


 and the word I know they don't know at all

hyp·o·crite

[hip-uh-krit] Show IPA
noun
1.a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does notactually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2.a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, especially one whose private life,opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.