"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Prompt: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing. (Bonus: Will you do it?) (12/20)

It all comes back to fear doesn't it? I have talked and talked and talked about finding a new job. Something that I get satisfaction out of. Something I enjoy. Or even just something that pays better or has better benefits or that is just busier and that gives me more to do in a day. But I get scared to look, scared of rejection, scared of not finding anything that I feel I am qualified for.

It used to be that I wasn't really afraid of looking for jobs, of taking a risk. Then in 2009 my company shut down for a couple of months and I was unemployed. I submitted about 120 resumes, I applied with 4 different temp agencies and I got nothing. No calls for interviews, no temp jobs, nothing. It shattered my self esteem, my confidence in myself and my abilities. I spent 4 days in my pajamas, not showering, not talking to anyone that I didn't absolutely have to talk to. When my office reopened and they asked me to come back, of course I jumped at it. I had nothing else going on. At least now I had a job again. And I genuinely like the owner of this company and if he thought we were going to make it, well I wanted to give it a shot. I'll have been with this company for 4 years in February which is actually a record for me. I normally make it 3 years before I get ancy and look for something else. The point is, ever since that time in my life I have been terrified of looking for a new job. Terrified of rejection, of not getting anything at all. Of realizing that I am a dime a dozen. Feeling worthless.

I am going to start looking in earnest, I am going to realize that just because I don't get something right away, just because I may not get a phone call immediately it doesn't mean that I am worthless or that there is nothing else out there for me. I know for a fact that I am an excellent worker and that I do have skills. I can find something, all I have to do is let go of my own fear and laziness and do it.

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