"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Monday, December 20, 2010

Thank you for being a friend

Prompt: Friendship. How has a friendship changed your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (12/16)


To be honest I had never really thought about self awareness, about what I really wanted to be on the inside, of my own personal growth. Of learning about myself and trying to grow emotionally. I was always scared of the inherent pain in getting to know myself better. But then I turned 30 and I decided that I couldn't continue being that person anymore. How was I ever going to be happy, a consistent, fulfilled happy without knowing who I am and what I want out of life?

I started on this path of self discovery back in 2009 and it just happened to be the same year that I met this person. We didn't really start getting to know each other until the end of 2009/beginning of 2010. She had been through a lot of what I was going through and I constantly turned to her for help and advice. Almost to the demise of our friendship. I sometimes tried to get her to tell me what to do when I didn't want to admit that the hard thing to do was also the right thing. I would talk to her endlessly about me and what was going on in my life to the point where sometimes I realized that I was being the worst possible friend because I wasn't giving her time to share with me what was going on with her. Having just "dumped" a friend for being one-sided, selfish and ultimately a bad friend for almost that exact issue I realized what an asshole I was being. There was even a point where I thought things had gone too far and that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore. I relied too much on her advice and her being there for me and took too much from her. She asked me to take a couple of steps back and it was one of the hardest things I had ever done. But I did it. And it made me stop and think about things. About all of the relationships in my life, about my relying too much on someone else to help me make my decisions and wanting to avoid any and all confrontation. About avoiding talking to the people I needed to talk to and talking to a proxy instead.

We took a break from each other and when we came back it was like the balance had finally been found. I got up to courage to talk to the right people about things that had been bothering me or to let go of things that I had turned into issues for whatever reason. I know the boundaries now, I know what needs to be done. She helped teach me to face my own issues, own up to them, take responsibility for them and deal with consequences as a result. Our friendship is now stronger than ever and I am grateful everyday that we were able to move past the issues to reach a true, adult friendship where we can still giggle like kids.

So thank you. You know who you are.

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