"I want to be my own design" Clive Barker - Imajica

Sunday, November 8, 2015

the zen arrows that hurt the most are the ones you lob at yourself

So as some of you may know Mr. S has been on tour with his band and I've been home living the bachelor life.

In the last month or so, other than Halloween I've not been invited anywhere, not for dinner, happy hour, brunch, nothing. And I also haven't pursued anything either, content to simply come home, eat dinner, clean, read, hang out with the cat, and completely isolate myself from everyone. I haven't tried to make plans with anyone, haven't gone out, and other than some grocery shopping and one trip to the mall, haven't really done anything out of the house.

Halloween was awesome. I had a wonderful time, with great people that I love and want to see more. Several of them who I could have easily reached out to and made plans with. I see my friends posting about going out with each other and think "gee I wish someone had asked me to go along"

(insert sound of a bow string being released)

But why would they when I never ask them to do stuff? Why would anyone invite me to do stuff if it's always one sided or if I have a tendency to say no? Why haven't I asked anyone to hang out the last couple of weeks? Why haven't I made any plans. I have no problem being the social instigator so what gives?

(insert sound of arrow hitting a target)

All of a sudden it came to me. I have a surprisingly strong tendency to hermit when given the opportunity. I have always isolated myself and then bemoaned the fact that no one is paying attention to me or asking me to hang out. I have always put the burden on other people to show interest in hanging out with me, and that makes me a pretty selfish person in a way that I am not entirely comfortable with.

fuck. fuck. fuck.

There are a million excuses that I could give on why I do that but this is what it boils down to.

The ghost of external gratification.


I want people to show an interest in being around me, I want to feel like people want and enjoy having me around and I want them to approach me, not the other way around. And it all springs from my goddamned childhood and how I was treated both by my family and my peers. I can (but won't) point to specific things in my past that helped form this unconscious behavior and now it all becomes painfully clear.

So now that I know the how and why, what do I do about it?

But the other half? I think has to do with realizing what I am doing and WHY and then pushing myself to different behaviors. Breaking free from this pattern of 30+ years and moving forward. I already know that I am awesome and that people enjoy being around me. I wouldn't have any friends if they didn't. You are drawn to people you like and enjoy being around, most people don't spend time with voids,

I shouldn't be continuing to chase that elusive ghost of external gratification anymore, that way only leads to disappointment and heartache. I've already done so much work in letting go of bullshit behaviors and childhood hangups, I guess this is the next step on that path.

Self awareness is bullshit, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia -

I know that we have been partners for the last 20 odd years and while you've never been kind, you have been exceptionally cruel for the last 2 weeks. Usually when we go on a jaunt together you give me at least 4 hours of broken sleep, but lately it's only been 2 hours at best. I have been putting off playing my hand in this game of ours, but tonight I'm upping the ante. I try to avoid resorting to such drastic tactics but it's got to be done.

I know that this doesn't mean our relationship is over, I've made peace with our association long ago and at times, I embrace you. This is not one of them. For one night at least, I will be through with you. I will get some sleep if it kills me because if we continue down this path, you will be the death of me. "Pj's little helper" will aide me in my endeavor and with any luck, tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Yours truly,

PS - thank science that over the counter sleeping pills generally work for me.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015


“How passionately she longed to be important to somebody again - not important on platforms, not important as an asset in an organisation, but privately important, just to one other person, quite privately, nobody else to know or notice. It didn't seem much to ask in a world so crowded with people, just to have one of them, only one out of all the millions to oneself. Somebody who needed one, who thought of one, who was eager to come to one - oh, oh how dreadfully one wanted to be precious.” 

"Enchanted April"
Elizabeth von Arnim

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Back in the Saddle. Again. Part Deux

So a long, long time ago on this very blog I posted this entry  where I swore that I was going to get back on track and work on losing some of the weight I'd regained.

That was 4 years and at least 35 lbs ago. Since that date, instead of working on refocusing and regaining control over my eating habits, I've let it go. I've climbed back up to 240 lbs and that, my friends, is simply unacceptable to me.

While I appreciate the "you look great" commentary (no seriously, keep that coming) you have to understand that being at this weight, this waist measurement, makes me very, very unhappy. It makes me very unhappy that there are several gorgeous dresses hanging in my very closet, that I cannot wear right now because I've gained too much weight to wear them.

I don't want to obsess over weight, over what I eat, to have every single conversation be about my weight or what I'm eating (or not eating). What I do want is to get my habits back under a modicum of control. I want to not let my lazy control my eating, I need to remember that it takes the same (or less time) to cook, as it does to go out to eat. What I want, is to wear those dresses! I want to not feel like I am going to die when I go up a couple flights of stairs. I don't want to carry around this extra 40 lbs anymore.

I worked so freaking hard the last time and essentially I've thrown away a large part of that progress over the last 6 years.

No platitudes, no reassurances, that is the situation and I know it for sure. 

So with that said, I rejoined Weight Watchers. It worked for me before, it will work for me again. I am thinking I might also use my food blog, Bitch can Cook, to help me track some of the things I'm eating and cooking so that I don't run out of ideas for meals.

I am doing this for me, and me alone.

Well, me and my Pinup Girl Clothing dresses because they are far too pretty to stay in a closet unworn.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

musing on the college experience (or lack thereof)

Growing up I never thought that college was an option to me, I always thought it was too expensive, that I couldn't get in with my shitty grades and ultimately that I would fail at it, much like I felt that I had failed in so many other ways, not the best attitude to have at 17 but there it is.

Part of me dreamed of college as an escape. A way to get away from my mom, from my home, from Colorado Springs. It's not that I thought that college was the be all, end all, or even the only way to escape but I envied my friends who I felt had more advantages, who had more nurturing and supportive families, and more encouragement to get out and do their own things, to get educated and in the end to get better jobs and better lives.  I had it in my head that I would always be some uneducated yokel, living in a shitty apartment, in a town I hated, working a dead end job because I wasn't capable of improving my lot in life.  (Wow its really depressing when I start to think about how much I loathed myself and my life back then)

I think maybe for most people, college is their first time really being independent. It's their first time taking care of themselves, of having to try and make new friends, live in an unfamiliar place, and dealing with having to be a semi -adult. But for me, we moved every year so it felt like I was always the new kid even though we were always in the same city. I'd been a latch key kid since I was 7, I worked 2 jobs, I started paying rent when I was 16, I moved out when I was 18. I paid for my own car, I lived my own life, I was independent and for the most part I loved it.

I think part of the romance of the idea for  me was the  moving away, out of state, away from the Springs and all the baggage and negativity the place held for me. The chance to start over, where I wouldn't be known as Fatty Patty, where there weren't people who pretended to be my friend just to play jokes on me. A chance to be a different me.

And here is where the joke is on me and what took me years to realize and understand.

It took me awhile but I moved out of the Springs, I got a good job and then I got a better job. I've lived alone, I've lived with roommates, I've lived with partners.  I have a great life and I became so much more than 17 year old me thought I ever would, and I did it all without the college "experience".

Now don't get me wrong, I'd still probably go to college to get a degree especially if I felt that it would benefit me professionally but the college experience as an adult is far different than that fresh out of high school experience.

Did you go to college right out of high school? What do you think you got out of that experience, what did you like about it, not like about it? Why did you end up making the choice to go to college? Or was it something your parents wanted you to do? Do you use your degree?

 Inquiring minds want to know.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Underthings, part 2

Brassieres have come a long way since Aunt Nellie was an adolescent and they bound her flat with a straight, tight bra which eventually broke down her muscles and, in her otherwise attractive forties,made her droopy. For young people brassiere not necessary except perhaps for active sports, unless support of abnormally heavy breasts is actually needed. For problem figures the various types of new brassieres may be carefully fitted with wire, but never pressing on the soft tissues. No woman need look droopy today, either in a dress or a bathing suite, or flat-chested either. Ready-made clothes fit better if the bust line is something like the ideal - even if this approach to perfection in considerably helped along by uplifts or falsies or both.

I love that she mentions that it is perfectly acceptable to wear falsies! But I can't help but wonder what she would think/say about some of the ridiculous looking breast enlargements that people have gotten.   I realize that I'm... blessed naturally and therefore cannot really understand the desire to have a surgery to change my breasts at all. 

I did have a doctor try to talk me into a reduction once to which I said "NO WAY!  These suckers get me drinks!" *laugh* 
Behold the power of a good brassiere! 

Saturday, March 28, 2015


The most comfortable girdle is the two-way stretch, which allows body movement and which is made at least party of lastex. Its loose weave permits evaporation of perspiration. Any girdle that pulls you in unnaturally, into some semblance of the currently fashionable figure, is likely to make you so uncomfortable and irritable that any striking effect your new clothes can make is nullified by your tense expression. If you are conscious of your girdle, it's the wrong one for you. The most you should ask of a girdle, anyhow, is that it hold in your stomach somewhat, give a smooth line to your hips, and support your stockings. If it does more than that it is merely displacing fat - pushing it from one spot, say your abdomen, to another, to your thighs or your diaphragm. And don't think the new bulges don't show.

PS - Lastex - an elastic yarn consisting of a core of latex thread wound with threads of cotton, rayon, nylon, or silk and used to give a one-way or two-way stretch to fabrics and garments —formerly a U.S. registered trademark

PPS - you may know that I LOVE my girdles, the ones I own are comfy, looks great and do exactly what I want them to. Here is my review of my favorite girdle from RAGO