ism's - XXIII

In the land of the superficial, no one is king.

You gotta have friends... part 2

For the first 2 years I lived in Denver I rented a room from my Aunt T and her husband. They were pretty easy to live with and my Aunt T is pretty damned awesome so I never really had a lot of issues with living with them other than the fact that I was living with family and not living on my own. When I did move out, I ended up being roommates with a friend from Colorado Springs. I think around then was when I gradually started making actual friends. 2+ years after moving to Denver. 

Let me just say, I'm not shy. (DUH you may say if you have met me in meat space) I've never had a hard time talking to strangers, never had a problem starting a conversation but I was still struggling with finding friends. Like I said at the end of the last post, I more or less gave up but in reality I quit pushing so hard. Instead of bemoaning the fact that no one seemed to want to hang out with me, I would just invite lots of people to meet up at the movies or dinner or at Netherworld or any other kind of social event, I would invite them to anything that I didn't mind doing alone so if they didn't show I could (and would) still do said activity. I made myself go out and do things even if I had to do them alone. 

I would invite 10-15 people out at any given time and usually the same 2-3 people would show up and gradually we started spending more time together doing other activities. I think that this is how most friendships work but it is just one of those things that when you get so lonely you forget the mechanics of friendship. You forget how to make and keep friends because all you can think about is that you want them and you want them naow. 

As time passed these friends introduced me to other people and I was invited to different events and met still more people and things evolved over time. I am truly blessed with an abundance of friends and acquaintinces in my life. It's taken time and effort to build the relationships I have, and it will take it again. Lives change, friendships change, people move on and out. I think the real trick is be yourself, give more than you take, appreciate what you have, be a good friend to others, cut drama and dramatic people out of your life, don't lie and be happy. Find what makes you happy and do it. 

I guess I don't really know how to end this or where I am even going with this whole thing. I do know that I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to have friends and love and laughter. I want people to be self sufficient and do for themselves instead of waiting for others to do for them. I want people to relax and not lose heart when making friends proves more difficult than anticipated. Trust, friendship and love is something that is built with time and effort. Relax. It'll happen when you least expect it to. Don't give up. 

Yeah. I guess that's it. 

You gotta have friends... Part 1

A friend and I had a conversation the other day about making friends and how it can be frustrating, difficult and disheartening it can be. It got me to thinking about my friends now and how I got to have the fantastic friends that I have.

I moved to Denver a little over 13 years ago and when I first moved here I felt so isolated and lonely. Even though I only moved an hour away from where I grew up and where my friends lived, I felt a million miles away. There were also a lot of other things going on in my life at the time that aggravated that lonely feeling but all I knew is that I was sad and lonely.

I started to go out to Ye Olde Goth club aka Club Onyx, every chance I got. I met lots of new people, lots and lots of new people. They all seemed pretty nice and friendly and we would spend hours at the club chatting about everything from food to books to pop culture but as soon as I would try to get someone to hang out or do something outside of club it was like the walls went up and POOF! they'd disappear. Some of them would respond with the "oh yeah that would be fun, why don't you give me your number and I'll call you" and others would just be like "yeah that'd be cool but I'm so busy". It was nigh impossible for me to get these people that were so chatty and friendly at club, to do anything at all with me outside of club and it was depressing. Really fucking depressing.

It got to the point where I seriously considered moving back down to Colorado Springs as I felt like I'd never have any real friends in Denver, never really have people to have dinner with, go shopping with, watch movies with, talk to outside of the bar. I seriously debated the pros and cons of living in Denver vs Colorado Springs and realized that the only thing that was even remotely appealing about the Springs at that point was the fact that I still had friends down there.

So I stuck it out. I kept talking to people, meeting new people who in turn introduced me to yet more new people. For a long time I quit trying to get people to hang out outside of work or club. I made peace with the fact that I didn't have people in Denver to do things with. I let go.

And then it happened as it always does. Gradually I started to find the people who wanted to go do things that didn't involve work or club. I started slowly, very slowly to gather a few people around me. I started to have friends again and with that, came the realization that much like a romantic relationship friendships take work and they don't always work out the way you think or want them to

To be continued...

Hemlock Grove so yeah...

So I watched the Netflix original series Hemlock Grove. All 13 episodes. Here are my gut reactions

quit trying so hard to be like Twin Peaks
that boy would be a lot prettier if he cut his hair, wait when did I become THAT old lady?
wait, she glows? um...
an angel? yeah I betcha it's _________ that knocked her up
oh that could be interesting... oh, wait. No.
Honey, you should probably go back to modeling
Oh hey, it's that dude from Space: Above and Beyond!
man Famke Janssen's accent is BAD
ok, the werewolf transformation was pretty sweet
EYEBALLS ON THE GROUND!
um, you don't really need to do ALL OF THE THINGS here...
oh Kandyse McClure, why is that I always want you to die when I see you on a TV show?
really? really? That's how you are going to end it? *sigh*

yeah, this show was a MESS but I stuck with it. Maybe if they hadn't tried SO hard, maybe if they hadn't tried to cram in all the things at once. I have to wonder if the book this is based on is such a mess too?

3 questions, 1 lesson

Craig Ferguson’s three questions to ask yourself before posting something on the internet:
1. Does this need to be said?
2. Does this need to be said by me?
3. Does this need to be said by me right now?

Also, I am starting to ask myself this before I speak at all. Based on the commentary this weekend it is a lesson I really need to learn.

Road Trippin'

Growing up I never went on a road trip, my mom had gone on many road trips when she was a kid and as a result she hated road trips as an adult therefore I didn't go on one single road trip growing up. The closest I ever came was going from Colorado Springs to Denver so she could go to yarn stores that were different than the ones we had in the Springs.

As an adult I've gone on a couple of road trips but for the most part they have all been with a specific destination in mind and a specific deadline to get there. No meandering, no going off the main roads to see what might be out there, not really getting a chance to see the sights and enjoy the drive.

Also? I've never seen an ocean.

People always go "OMG HOW HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN AN OCEAN?!!!" and freak out on me about it. I have to remind them of a couple of facts

1. Grew up without a lot of money and didn't have the money to travel
2. Mom didn't like to go places
3. Grew up in Colorado, not a lot of ocean around here
4. Didn't even get a chance to leave the state until I was 17 and that was to go rafting in Utah, with school

So this summer I'm finally going on a road trip. A real road trip. 11 days with my friend who goes on a road trip every year and enjoys driving and seeing whats out there to be seen. We have a destination in mind (California) and an idea of when we want to be there. There are even certain activities and places that we are planning on going to but I'm really looking forward to the drive itself. This will be my first time west of Vegas, my first time seeing an ocean, my first time in California and any number of other firsts that I am sure will happen.

It's not the destination that counts, it's the journey. 

Depression is a sneaky bastard sometimes.

I didn't *think* I was depressed. I don’t remember feeling particularly bad but when I stop and look the signs are all around me.

I wasn't taking as good of care of myself as normal.

I wasn't cleaning house or if I did start to clean, I didn’t finish

I was putting off doing any number of things because I just didn’t feel like it.

I dreaded going out or having to be social.

I was going to bed really early and sleeping as late as possible.

I wasn't working on my cross stitch.

It’s hard to explain to someone who has never suffered from clinical depression. There doesn't need to be a trigger or a reason, it just happens sometimes. Your brain gives you the middle finger and says “FUCK YOU, YOU WILL HAVE THE SADS FOR NO REASON” I've suffered from severe depression most of my life and most of the time it is totally manageable. Most of the time, I sense a wave coming on and take preventative measures that help stem the tide and make the downswing shorter and not as hard to deal with. This time however it snuck up on me.  This is the thing that really sucks about your brain malfunctioning, you can’t always know when this kind of depression will strike. The great thing is, I know myself and I know what it takes to get me out of this funk. It may take a bit, I may still be out of sorts or not as friendly but I’ll get there.

baby steps...